I Love You, Beth Cooper Page #4

every time you think about it...

...you'll have to change

your underwear?

- We got beer.

- Whoo!

So that was weird,

what you did in there, to him.

What happened?

I sucked his face for

like two seconds.

RICH:

Sucked his face?

Purell me.

Wow.

That was a big sacrifice.

I couldn't have done it.

I mean, before drinking the beer.

I'd do two seconds.

What? It isn't gay.

It isn't gay.

It isn't gay. It's not gay.

It's within the three-second rule.

That's for food

dropped on the floor.

Yeah, uh, whatever.

She's not Beth Cooper.

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(GRUNTING)

(SIGHS)

Indians.

It's Jack Nicholson, Easy Rider,

Something is really wrong with you.

Yeah.

To old D.H. Lawrence.

BETH:

Hey.

(CHUCKLING)

(TOOTH CRACKS)

(DENIS COUGHING)

Sorry.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Are you okay? I'm sorry.

Is that your tooth?

It was deciduous.

You still have baby teeth?

Only three.

Now... two.

- I have two.

- For your pillow.

Thank you.

(KISS' "BETH" PLAYING

ON MP3 PLAYER)

How did that get on there?

I don't... I didn't even put...

Rich, did you put this on?

Leave it.

I have to pee.

Me too.

Ah. Me trice.

You know, I was

named after this song.

You were named after a Kiss song?

Yes.

My parents were headbangers.

- Whoa.

- Still kind of are.

Beth Cooper's parents.

Taking in a Kiss show.

Oh, man. That is so... cool.

It's cool.

You got headbanger parents.

That's awesome.

Hm.

Why are we walking?

When I get my own car, I am

never walking anywhere again.

My dad was gonna

give me his old car...

...but then my stepmom b*tch

Tricia crashed hers.

Well, that's what you get

for splitting your parents up.

Mean, mean!

Never admit your

innermost fears to Cammy.

Oh, my God.

- What?

- Cows.

Let's tip one.

What, isn't that like

an urban legend?

Why don't you go

find out?

Me? It was your idea.

You're the guy.

More or less.

TREECE:

Go, go, go.

RICH:
Okay, that's really nice. Okay.

TREECE:
Ew. Ew. Ew.

Okay.

Shh. Could you just: Shh.

- This is the one.

- Go. Shut up.

- Hey, okay.

TREECE:
Ew. Okay.

(COW GRO ANS)

Whoa. What's that kind of...?

That's like a noise.

It's a moo, okay?

Push it.

- Where?

- In the middle.

Okay, push.

Oh, sh*t.

(TREECE & CAMMY LAUGHING)

Do not laugh.

So, what are you thinking?

Nothing.

So, what are you

doing after graduation?

I was gonna...

They got this, like, pre-med

med-school thing at Stanford and...

Good luck with that.

So, what are your plans?

I don't know. Maybe go to old

Harpers Community College.

Harpers.

Yeah, no, cool.

They got a lot of

good credit courses.

Maybe. If I can afford it.

So I'm not Beth Cooper, huh?

You heard that?

Look, what I only meant was,

you didn't seem like...

The Beth Cooper

over your bed?

Right. Her.

She would never hook up

with some loser for a 12-pack.

No, she wouldn't.

And you don't have to.

You're better than that.

(GRUNTS)

That's it. I'm done.

I'm going back. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Bye, cow!

(MOOING)

What's that sound?

(COWS MOOING)

- Cows.

- Aah!

Stampede!

(COW BELLOWS)

What the hell was that?

Uh, sounded like a cow.

No, that was no standard cow.

Denis Cooverman.

Are you afraid of cows?

Vaccaphobic? Course not.

(RICH SCREAMING)

DENIS:

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the hell?

What happened?

TREECE:

God, it's so funny!

A cow bit me!

No, cows can't bite.

Well, this one sure as sh*t could.

No, no, no,

cows don't bite.

We all know that they lack

upper incisors.

You're useful.

What is that smell?

He pooped his shoes.

(LAUGHS)

- Lose the shoes.

- I paid for these shoes.

Uh, you're not getting in

my car with those shoes on.

They go, with you

in them or not.

You pooped your shoes.

Lights out.

(CAMMY & TREECE SCREAMING)

(DENIS & RICH SCREAMING)

(WHOOPING)

To the future! Whoo!

(LAUGHING)

Turn the headlights on now!

Please, please, please!

Okay!

There, you happy?

Car!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(SCREECHING)

Sorry, I was unaware

I was emitting that.

RICH:
Mr. And Mrs. C?

BETH:
Who?

My mom and dad.

Could be worse.

Could not be your mom.

Well, thank you all

for a lovely evening...

...but now I must die.

You do not wanna talk to your dad

when he has his pants down.

Yeah.

Goddamn kids!

VALET:

Jeez!

Sorry!

Thank you.

Sh*t my panties.

This is Valli Wooley's house.

We can't go in here.

Because you called her

a stuck-up b*tch...

...in front of the whole school?

Don't worry...

...she's usually upstairs

with a guy by now.

If she gives you sh*t,

go for her throat.

She'll be protecting

her nose.

Her nose was

a graduation present.

CAMMY:

B*tch.

Hi!

Ew. Don't say hi to her.

Drinks by the pool!

(CHATTERING)

(G YM CLASS HEROES' " CATCH ME

IF YOU CAN" PLAYS ON SPEAKERS)

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Hey, what is that?

It's nice. Is it salmon-colored?

Sorry.

Your party was better.

What?

I'm gonna go find a bathroom.

Okay.

Don't move.

All right, yes, fine, all right.

Oh, Greg.

Well, if anybody's

gonna kill me tonight...

...it should be you,

you deserve it.

You've earned it.

How did you know?

How did you?

(SOBBING)

Did I do that?

This? No, it's not one of yours.

It was an accident.

You know, sometimes,

I don't even remember doing it.

I just black out.

I'd have that looked at, Greg.

Yeah.

Maybe I could call you sometime?

We could talk about it?

Sure.

Maybe a trained professional

would be better.

I'm just thinking aloud here.

But can I get a hug?

I mean, hugs are good.

You do what you need to do, Greg.

All right.

(SINGING)

Forget the tears we've cried

Forget the good times too

BOTH:

Forget the pain inside

I will be there waiting for you

GREG:
Thanks, Denis.

Thanks a lot. Thanks.

(THE TING TINGS' " SHUT UP AND

LET ME GO" PLAYS ON SPEAKERS)

(THE TING TINGS' " SHUT UP AND

LET ME GO" PLAYS ON SPEAKERS)

Rich!

RICH:
Le Coove! Here.

- Thank you.

RICH:

Check it out. Coach Raupp.

Pedophilia.

It's always

the gym teachers.

You know they call us

Dick Munch and the Penis?

Yeah.

I mean, like, together, like we're

like the gaynamic duo or something.

- Where's Beth?

- Wherever.

I told you that speech

was a good idea.

What are you talking about?

What about what's happened tonight

could be construed as good?

Closure. If you didn't

give that speech...

...you'd never know what a

scary wack job Beth Cooper was.

No other girl would ever live up

to her mythic proportions.

She's not a scary wack job.

She's not a wack job.

Dude, don't backpedal,

you know. Onwards!

(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)

Your new hopeless obsession

might be at this very party.

PATTY:

Denny!

Oh, secret shame.

This is so great.

I didn't expect

to see you here.

Patty.

I loved your speech. You said

some very perceptive things.

Richard, do you know Victoria?

Yes, certainamente.

You, uh, lost weight, Tori.

You're not wearing shoes.

Nobody wears shoes anymore.

PATTY:
Denny,

what happened to your poor face?

Greg Saloga beat you up,

I bet.

Or Valli Wooley, she paid

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