I Love You, Beth Cooper Page #5

someone to beat you up?

No, the Coove had a little dust-up

with Beth Cooper's boyfriend.

- Beth Cooper?

RICH:
Yeah, ex-boyfriend actually.

Army, dark ops, couldn't stand the

idea of the Coove here and Beth...

...so it went to blows.

I mean, you think this is bad,

you should see the other guy.

DENIS:

Yeah, I mean, I feel bad for him.

He's in the hospital,

all beaten up and sh*t.

To tell you the truth,

I just hope he's okay.

Me too.

Actually, he's upstairs.

Um, whoa, uh...

Right, look at the time here.

My female fiance's getting off

her shift at Hooters, so...

Wow, you know, but this has been

a pleasure, ladies, so...

Good luck!

It was nice seeing you!

Bye!

Sorry.

- Where are you going?

- We gotta get out of here.

VALLl:

A**hole!

What are you doing here?

Don't.

(WHISTLES)

So we meet again.

Really? Ernst Blofeld in just

like every Bond movie. Oh, okay.

Kevin, just stop.

Get out of here.

And get yourself tested

for gonorrhea.

Why don't you get that tight, pretty

butt of yours in my vehicle, all right?

Move out!

CAMMY:

Are you okay?

Stay here.

KEVIN:

Clear out!

(DENIS GRUNTING)

I am not your plaything!

No, no, come on! Come on, people!

Are you just

gonna let him murder me?

VALLl:

Wait!

I am not worthless, okay?

Look at this party.

Look at all my friends.

Cause brain damage.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Thank God, Coach Raupp.

Ladies.

Some ground rules.

- You're not gonna stop it?

- Look, all I want is a fair fight.

Fair fight? Look at his arms,

they're like redwoods.

RAUPP:

Yeah. Aren't they great?

Okay. Pretty simple.

No biting, scratching, hair-pulling.

None of that sissy stuff, okay?

- Headbutt?

- Definitely.

And remember, once your

opponent loses consciousness...

...the beating is over.

Okay?

And...

...fight.

Cooverman, Bison pride.

No, I'm not gonna fight him.

Don't be such a p*ssy, p*ssy.

Come on.

Look, Kevin,

you've won, okay?

You got the girl...

...you've humiliated me

in front of all my peers.

I apologize and surrender

unconditionally.

(GRUNTS)

Denis.

PATTY:

Denny, your face.

Wow. Ha, ha. Oh, man!

That was great.

Are you okay?

Get up!

- You can take him.

- No, no.

You can do this.

Get up! Come on.

Hey!

Leave my friend alone!

(GRUNTING)

Let's get him.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Timeout, Salo...

That all you got, son, huh?

Now, Denis, where were we?

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(O VER PA)

Denis Cooverman.

Come on.

KEVIN:
Where do you

think you're going?

BETH:
Okay, time to get

in the car! Get in the car.

Denis! Come on.

VALET:

Watch it!

(BETH WHOOPS)

Do you know how many laws

you just broke?

Grand theft auto,

criminal destruction of property...

...assault with a deadly weapon,

aggravated battery...

...leaving the scene of an accident,

speeding, and now failure to stop!

- That's seven, at least!

- That's a new record!

I don't think that's a record.

DENIS:

I think you should pull over.

- Pull over, Beth.

- Ha.

Hey, how about this?

How about:

"Thank you. Thank you, Beth,

for saving my life again?"

Saving my life? Saving my...?

You're the one who almost ran

over me with a military vehicle...

...owned by some homicidal

rage ape you call a boyfriend...

...who's been trying

to kill me all night!

You're spitting your blood

at me! Pbbt.

You're supposed to keep

your bodily fluids to yourself.

You know what?

This is not fun anymore.

Who said it's supposed

to be fun?

Everybody out.

Uh-uh. No, no, no.

What are we doing here?

I have a key to the school.

You have a key to the school.

Head cheerleader is a position

of trust and responsibility.

- Heh, heh. Fools.

- Ha, ha, ha.

Come on, Denis. This is the least

illegal thing we've done all night.

Sit. You'll enjoy it.

- Ready, girls?

- Yes.

(CHANTING)

Five. Six. Seven. Eight!

Are you ready?

Ready for the best

B- G. Number one

Oh. Yeah. Nothing less

Five. Six. Seven. Eight!

We're going to the top

We can't be stopped

Come on. Girls

Yell yellow!

Yellow.

GROUP:

Yell blue!

Blue!

GROUP:
Mighty Bisons

Oh. Yeah. Let's fight

Ready and slow it down.

Can you feel it? What?

Can you feel the heat?

Yellow and blue

Oh. Yeah. How sweet

Ready and last time

With spirit and spark

We steal the show

Mighty Bisons. Kiss. Kiss

Gotta go!

Yeah!

(LAUGHING)

Let's hit the showers.

- Showers! Showers!

- Yay!

BETH:
Let's go! Come on, hurry!

TREECE:
Showers!

(TREECE & BETH WHOOPING

AND SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

- They're hitting the showers.

- Yeah.

Come on!

L... l... I'd love to. I just, um...

- I don't think we were invited.

- Uh, I'm pretty sure we were.

You know, Rich...

...you don't have to prove anything.

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

(BETH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

BETH:

Some woman.

Oh, yeah.

I said yes, immediately.

I was like...

- Sorry.

BETH:
Denis.

Don't be shy.

(MO ANS)

God.

Oh.

TREECE:
Hey, space boy.

Come get wet.

(GIRLS GIGGLING

AND SHRIEKING)

That invitation

good enough for you?

I just don't think we should be...

Stop! Stop thinking

with your brain, dude.

- I don't wanna ruin anything.

- There's nothing left to ruin!

You know, except maybe this.

And this, my friend,

is a rare occasion.

Chances like this don't

come along every day.

In fact,

they never come along.

This does not happen!

TREECE:

Are you guys coming?

"Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys.

Make your lives extraordinary."

Robin Williams, and your dad.

I'm just trying to make it

through the night alive, okay?

You're not alive unless you're living.

Who said that?

I think I did.

"Here's Johnny!"

(RO ARING)

(GIRLS SHRIEKING)

Carpe diem.

(HUMMING)

Beth.

Gotta tell you, you're in for a treat.

Been reading a few

of my mom's ladies magazines...

...and they've got a couple secrets

on how to ultimately pleasure you.

(GRUNTING)

- How did you find us?!

- LoJack, dipshit.

RICH:

Man of war!

Taste my wet blade.

(GRUNTING)

BETH:
Come on! Get your stuff!

RICH:
Go!

DENIS:
Are you sure?

- I can handle these three.

I've been preparing for this

all my life.

Help! Help!

(LAUGHING)

BO Y:

Come on, let's get out of here.

Never again.

Yes!

Come on, hurry up!

I'm trying, stop moving!

BETH:

What happened to your pants?

Your boyfriend has them.

Okay, we gotta go, come on.

Get your stuff!

Come on, come on, come on!

Aw, how sweet.

Kevin brought back my car.

Come on!

DENIS:

Hey, what about Rich?

(RICH & KEVIN GRUNTING)

Yah! Is that all you've got?

Oh. Oh, one more?

Ha, ha, ha. Classic.

(LAUGHING)

- Guys!

DENIS:
Rich!

Rich, I got your clothes.

Hurry up.

Yah!

TREECE:

Come on, come on, come on!

Okay, go, go.

(TRUCK HORN HONKING)

Goddamn truck drivers.

Where are we going?

We can go to

my dad's cabin.

I can go there anytime I want as

long as I don't tell Mom where it is.

You know what, I just, um...

I wanna go home.

You know, you're the one

who started this.

Me?

Yeah, you.

You're the geek who, in front of the

entire school, our friends and family...

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