I Love You, Beth Cooper Page #6

...declared your love for someone

you don't know a thing about.

He knows a lot about you.

Quiz him.

He knows your locker combo.

He knows

your favorite antiperspirant.

He knows your blood type.

Okay, I hate to remind you this,

Beth, but you said it was sweet.

You did. Oh, my God,

and you came to my house.

If you didn't think it was sweet,

why would you come to my house?

What do you think,

super genius?

We thought

it would be funny.

Oh. Okay.

- Are you just gonna keep bleeding?

- Yeah, for about three days.

Just put your head back.

- Now it's dripping down my throat.

- Here.

Stick these up there.

They're super absorbent.

Listen,

about what Cammy said before.

She thought it would be funny.

I mean, we all thought

it would be a fun thing to do.

Guess I did think

it would be a little funny.

I'm sorry.

Guys tell me they love me

all the time.

And it's usually because

they want something.

Well, it was kind of funny,

right?

Ha, ha, ha.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- Please, take those out now.

- Your wish.

(GRUNTING)

(BOTH GRO AN)

BETH:

Can I say something personal?

Sure.

You smell like

a dead homeless guy.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, it's probably my shirt.

There's hummus.

Take it off.

Oh, no, I can leave it on,

it's fine.

I'm not gonna molest you.

Take it off.

Take it off, take it off.

Let me just air it out a little.

Oh, sh*t!

(TREECE GASPS)

BETH:

Sorry.

Okay, it was somewhere

around here. You can stop.

(CAMMY AND RICH LAUGHING)

Oh, my God. What?

Really? Dude.

I think those are

his lucky underpants.

Give me my poncho.

- Give me my poncho.

RICH:
Oh, my God.

- What are you doing?

- You're so mean.

RICH:

What?

DENIS:

Actually, I got these as a gag gift...

...so it's appropriate

that you're laughing.

No, it's good, I'm happy that you're...

You guys got the joke! Good one.

- Get in here.

- No, purple's not really my color.

It's fuchsia and it's

my favorite color. Sorry.

- That's fine.

- Okay.

- There we go.

- All better.

- How do I look? Good?

- Great.

- Ha, ha, ha.

- That pink poncho's sort of cute.

What?

Goddamn Kevin.

Because of you I am in the middle

of nowhere looking for a shirt.

Oh, yeah, no,

goddamn that Kevin.

Why do you even go out

with him, anyway?

In the beginning, he was sweet.

He made me laugh.

- And when he smiled...

- He was really hot.

I don't know.

Guess it was the way other girls

looked at me when I was with him.

I felt proud.

Thought I was the lucky girl

this big, strong Army guy chose.

It didn't bother you

that he was an a...?

An a**hole?

Yeah.

I just made excuses

for him because...

...it was nice to feel wanted.

See, I don't get that...

...because there are so many guys

who would love to be with you.

Yeah. For a night, maybe.

- So why did you do it?

- The speech?

I don't know.

It's just...

You're the head cheerleader...

...and I'm the captain

of the debate team.

And I know it's ridiculous to think

that you and me would even...

I guess I just wanted

to talk to you.

And I never did,

and then I realized...

...that was my last chance,

you know?

Well, I'm glad you did.

Look! Your shirt.

Oh, uh, um...

Oh.

Aw.

- Hi! Oh, you're so cute!

- Hi, little fella.

- Hey, no. No, that's not food.

BETH:
Hi, cutie!

That's my shirt.

Okay, so just, uh...

(SNARLING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

DENIS:

He looked at me!

He looked right at me!

He's gonna eat me!

BETH:

Whoo! Party!

(CHATTERING AND LAUGHING)

Smells like death in here.

My dad just bought all this stuff.

He's never killed anything.

They are kind of cute, huh?

Rawr.

Dude, you look ridiculous.

Well, what am I supposed

to do? I don't...

Treece, darling...

...would you get this lovely lady

something to wear?

Yeah, try the bedroom.

Okay, who wants a drink?

- I do, please.

- I want one.

Vodka! Hee, hee.

Okay, a toast.

You know what's weird?

I didn't give this to him.

Anyway, to the world's

greatest night.

- Yeah.

- Whoo!

(TREECE & BETH GASPING)

- Wow.

BETH:
Look, it's almost morning.

Does anyone wanna come

watch the sunrise with me?

Yeah.

(GIGGLING)

Hey.

Hey, can I ask

you something?

What?

It's about your brother.

What about him?

What was his name?

David.

What was he like?

He was already sick

when I was born.

Died when I was 2.

He was 12.

I don't remember him

at all.

There's this picture of me

visiting him at the hospital...

...and it's like he's

just some sick kid.

It's the big, dramatic tragedy

of my life, and I wasn't even there.

DENIS:

Yeah, but you were there.

I mean, maybe

you don't remember...

...but I'll bet it

meant a lot to him.

BETH:
Thank you.

That was very sweet.

"Say hello to my little friend!"

- Ha, ha, ha.

- Wow.

What?

Scarface. Pacino,

'82, De Palma.

Look.

"Fill your hands,

you son of a b*tch!"

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHING)

What?

It's John Wayne.

It's John Wayne, 1969, True Grit.

Oh, my God!

I peed, I peed, I peed!

(LAUGHING)

No, it's not...

It's not that funny.

No, it is, because you...

Why, because you think I'm gay?

You think incorrectly.

The lady doth protest

too much, methinks.

What?

Like you know Shakespeare.

Queen Gertrude to

Hamlet, Act III, Scene 2...

...1602, William Shakespeare,

or possibly Edward de Vere.

Wow.

That's... Wow.

Yeah.

BETH:

Wow, look at the sun.

It's so big and pretty.

Well, that's an optical illusion.

There are certain things

that appear larger...

...in context to the objects

around them.

You know everything,

Denis Cooverman.

No, no, not everything.

There are some things I don't know.

Multiple things.

Well, I'll tell you one thing

you know nothing about.

When a girl says the

sunrise is big or pretty...

...you know what you say?

Not what I said,

presumably?

You don't say anything.

You just put your arm

around her.

You know, just something

for future reference.

For future reference,

I'll remember that.

If you're not gay, why so

unchubby in the shower?

Heh, heh, l...

I was just being cool.

It was uncool of you

to notice.

No 18-year-old boy

is that cool.

I am that cool.

Nobody cares if you're gay.

I'm not.

Nobody cares,

so just be gay already!

You, Richard Munsch,

have never been with a woman.

Never been with one.

Wha?

Um...

(BOTH GIGGLING)

Watch...

TREECE:

And learn.

That's nice, it's nice. Yeah.

- You cool?

- Uh...

Long as everyone else

is cool.

Hey, there is my chest hair.

Yeah, I'm liking that.

I am, uh...

(MO ANING)

Yeah, definitely reacted

to that.

Uh...

Hey, this is, wow, great,

you know, really top-notch...

...but I left my latex sheaths

back at the house, so...

That's okay.

Treece's got some,

don't you, Treece?

I've got gobs.

Gobs?

Well, that was expedient.

But at least we know

you're not gay.

- Yeah, tell that to my dad.

- What's his number?

BETH:

So do you still love me?

DENIS:

Yeah.

Am I everything you've

ever masturbated to?

No, it's not like that

with you.

I mean, you're different

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