I Love You, Man

Looks good, right?

So, my plan is to create

this cluster of live/work lofts

all along the perimeter here.

And... Come here.

I also am planning this neighborhood-y

kind of dining and retail area

in the central square.

You know, I even had this thought

that maybe you, Denise and Hailey

could open up a second location

for your store.

Really? Because Denise keeps talking

about wanting to open up

another branch.

Well, it'd be great. Yeah.

Look, the land is a little pricey,

so I couldn't develop it right away,

but once I sell the Ferrigno estate,

I figured out I could at least

put a down payment on it

and still have enough money left over

for the reception in Santa Barbara.

What are you talking about?

What reception?

Zooey, I know it's only been

eight months,

but I am so madly, insanely,

ridiculously in love with you.

Will you marry me?

Yes! It just happened

two minutes ago, Hailey.

- Can you believe it?

- No, I can't. It's amazing.

Oh, my God.

I've been on like 10 million dates,

and you end up marrying

some totally awesome guy

who randomly walks into our store?

It's so cute. She doesn't know

she's on speakerphone.

You do not know how lucky you are.

It is impossible

to find a good guy in this city.

- I know.

- I thought we were connecting.

- Oh, my God. Really?

- Kind of.

I'm sorry, but not really.

- Hey, will you conference in Denise?

- Oh, my God! You called me first?

- Oh, God.

- Awesome. Yes. Hold on.

Hi.

Hi.

- I love that piece of land. It's perfect.

- I'm glad.

I mean, I know the neighborhood's

a little, you know...

Oh, my God, Zo! I cannot

f***ing believe you didn't call me first!

You are such a freak.

Hailey's first on my speed dial.

No, no, no, I'm totally kidding.

I'm so psyched for you.

I feel like I'm gonna puke right now.

Oh, my God, hold on.

Barry hates when I'm in the house

during his poker night.

Would you give me a second,

you fat douche?

Get out. Get out of the f***ing house...

- Zooey just got engaged!

- To who?

- "To who," are you joking? To Peter.

- To who? To me.

- I don't know Peter.

- I've met the guy like 20 times.

- You've met him like 20 times.

- I don't know Peter.

- You don't know Peter?

- I have no idea who that is.

Okay, we've been on like 20 dates

with him.

- You don't know him?

- I've never met Peter.

You are such an a**hole.

Sorry, Zo. Have you set a date?

Yes. June 30th in Santa Barbara.

Peter already booked the place

we went for that long weekend.

So romantic.

Oh, my God. He is so romantic.

That's the place where you guys

f***ed for the first time, right?

No.

No, no, no,

that was the hot tub in Mexico.

That's right.

Santa Barbara was just oral.

- Yeah.

- You guys.

That's right. The hot tub, yeah.

It was Mexico. You had your period in

Santa Barbara and you wanted to wait.

God, you're so old-fashioned, Zooey.

- You told them about the hot tub?

- Maybe.

- Wow. So, June 30th?

- Yeah, I know. It's soon, but...

Who cares? Peter's a doll,

and he goes down on you

like six times a week.

- What are you waiting for?

- Wow.

Marry him. Don't wait.

Lock that tongue down, girl.

Yeah. It's gonna be great.

All right, you guys, I'll call you later.

Love you.

It is beautiful. It's totally understated,

and it's just... It's perfect.

I know! No, he's the best. I feel so lucky.

All right. All right, Debbie.

I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye.

Honey!

I've been totally hogging the phone.

- Who do you wanna call?

- I'm okay.

My parents are probably asleep,

so I'll just talk to them tomorrow.

You don't wanna tell

any of your friends?

I'll make some calls this weekend.

Really?

Well, what about that guy, Tevin?

You talk to him

like 20 times a day, right?

Well, yeah.

He works two cubicles away from me.

I'll see him Monday morning.

Or what's his name?

The one that you fence with.

- Gil?

- Gil.

Gil. Gilliam.

No, he's not really a "call right away"

kind of friend.

Toasting.

- Hi! Hi.

- Hi.

- Congratulations.

- Thanks, Mom.

- Excellent meat.

- So good.

- This is delicious. Thank you so much.

- Really is, Mom.

Thank you.

But did Peter have any good friends

growing up?

I honestly don't remember any.

All right, look, Zooey,

just to clarify here,

my dad worked for IBM,

so we moved a lot when I was a kid.

Robbie always managed to have friends.

Of course, he probably wanted

to suck their d*cks, but...

Oswald!

No, Mom, it's cool. I totally did.

But he doesn't have to use

that kind of language.

- Indeed.

- Why?

My son is a gay man,

and I embrace his lifestyle.

It's true. Dad loves the gays.

I actually made him

an honorary homo last month.

The point is, Zooey, Peter always

connected better with women.

You know, I can see that

because he's a great boyfriend.

Thank you, fiance.

Also, you gotta understand, Zooey.

Peter matured sexually

at a very early age.

I remember taking him swimming

when he was 12 years old.

Kid had a bush

like a 40-year-old Serbian.

Come on. Okay.

Dad, please, stop talking.

- Good to know.

- Nice.

Come on. He had a Speedo full of Brillo.

Be proud.

God.

Who invited the stand-up comedian

over here?

Zooey, here's the deal.

Peter's always been a "girlfriend guy."

He put all his focus and energy

into his relationships,

and all his dude friends

just fell by the wayside.

Zooey, don't listen to him, all right?

I mean, we're eight years apart.

Barely grew up together

in the same house.

This is ridiculous.

Why is it weird that I had girlfriends?

Nothing. We're just saying

you never really had a best friend, is all.

- Well, who's your best friend?

- I have two.

Hank Mardukas has been

my closest friend

since our first year at IBM.

- Best man at our wedding. Yeah.

- Yeah. Yeah, he was.

Talk to him two, three times a week

on the phone for 30 years now.

And then there's Robbie.

What's up?

- Robbie is your other best friend?

- Correct. And Hank Mardukas.

What the sh*t is he looking at?

Davis Dunn Realty,

how may I direct your call? Please hold.

Hold, please. Put him through to Tevin.

It's very close to downtown.

How close do you wanna be?

Thank you, sweetheart.

I can't get you that close.

'Cause the schools are terrible.

The skyscrapers were all lit up.

I got down on one knee.

She was totally surprised.

Well, I'm jealous, Peter,

'cause you never gave me a shot.

But you're gonna

make the best husband.

Stop it. Stop.

All right, you can continue now.

Morning, Trayce.

- Hey, Tevin.

- Hey, man.

What's so funny?

One of the guys

in my fantasy football league

just sent me a QuickTime.

It's a grandma riding a Sybian machine.

What's that?

It's one of those vibrating saddles

that women sit on to give them,

like, super intense orgasms.

Check it out.

- Damn!

- How sick is that?

It's very. That's very sick.

So awesome.

Hey. So, what up, dog?

How's that Ferrigno dealio coming?

It's coming good. Yeah. I'm getting

ready to show in a couple of weeks.

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