I Love You, Man Page #2

Great.

Dude, I'm just gonna throw this out there

because it's a big piece of house.

If you want a copilot on this,

I'd be happy to team up with you.

No, I know. I feel like I wanna

give myself the challenge

- and just see how it goes...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- I appreciate the offer.

- No sweat.

Hey, anyway, you know,

my girlfriend and I...

Well, we had this very special evening

planned, and I...

She's a squirter! She's squirting!

Peter, we got a squirter!

Old Faithful!

Hello, fiance.

Hey, baby. I totally forgot.

It's my turn to host ladies' night.

No prob.

I have fencing practice, anyway.

I'll grab a beer with Gil and the boys

afterward. Hit them with the big news.

- Great! I gotta go. Love you.

- I love you, too.

Peter! Peter!

I'm sending it to you.

- No. I don't want it.

- You got it.

God!

Wait a minute, I didn't even click...

How does it... I didn't even click it on.

She's got a bush like a porcupine.

I don't wanna know anything

about her bush. Hi, Lynette.

- Suck it!

- Good bout, Gil. Sweet bout!

Good job.

Wow. Way to go, buddy.

- Great bout.

- F*** off!

Bro, really sorry I lost my sh*t out there.

I just did not see that

In Quartata coming.

Hey, man, don't worry.

You know, you came in

with a pretty sweet glissade.

Anybody seen my manchette?

Did you look under your plastron,

dick wicker?

- F*** you, Larry!

- F*** you, Eugene.

- Classic.

- Thank you, Larry.

Hey, so you guys want to,

like, get some grub

or grab a beer or something?

We're actually heading up

to Joshua Tree tonight.

Oh, yeah? What's going on up there?

We're just doing this thing

for Eugene, you know.

Kind of a bachelor party/camping trip

kind of thing, you know.

I didn't even know

you were getting married.

Yeah. Taking the leap next Sunday.

- Great.

- Dirty little slut.

He's gonna lose his virginity finally.

I've f***ed my girlfriend. He's kidding.

Right on! Very cool.

Very, very cool. That's cool.

I would've invited you, man.

I just didn't think that you'd be into it.

You never really come out with us

after practice and stuff.

Oh, no, dude... Don't even.

It's so fine. Really.

Thanks, though. Thank you, but...

You know, it's funny, actually.

I just got engaged myself.

- Wow. That's awesome.

- You did? Congratulations.

- Mazel tov.

- That's great.

Good luck with that.

- Thank you. And you, too.

- Thanks.

Yeah.

All right, well,

we should probably hit the road.

- Traffic.

- Yes.

- Have a blast.

- Shotgun.

- We'll be back on Wednesday, right?

- Yeah.

Play a U2 record while you're there.

- Good. 'Cause of Joshua Tree.

- That's right.

It's hilarious, know what I mean?

No, I'm serious.

You know what my favorite nights are?

Hanging out with you girls,

and I can do that guilt-free

because Barry loves hanging out

with his friends, too.

I mean, every weekend,

there's a golf getaway,

a ski trip, a weekend in Vegas.

Wait, Vegas? You're not worried

he's gonna cheat on you?

He's 40 pounds overweight

with a Jewfro and a small dick.

Look, I love the guy to death,

but I'm far and away

the best-looking woman

he's ever gonna get,

and I'm only a 7, so, come on.

Oh, my God. You're not a 7.

Peter's not a freakazoid.

I don't know, Zo.

I mean, I think this is kind of serious.

A guy without friends

can be really clingy.

Like, my brother-in-law

drives my sister crazy.

He's always like,

"When are you gonna be home?

"Where're you going?

Can I come with you?

"But nothing's on TV.

What am I gonna do?"

- That's... No, come on. What the...

- "Be home before midnight."

Peter's not like that. Please.

He's just not like that.

Well, just wait.

But anyway, you've got six bridesmaids

and a maid of honor.

It's gonna be a little weird

if we're walking down the aisle alone.

- Yeah, I know.

- He's great.

- So who's gonna be his best man?

- I have no idea.

I honestly think that his best friend

is his mom.

- Terrible.

- No, no, no. Not like that.

Peter?

Peter?

Honey?

Hey!

- Hey!

- Hey!

I made you guys some root beer floats.

Peter, are those chocolate straws?

Yeah. Pirouettes. Pepperidge Farm.

Thank you so much for the floats, baby.

That was so sweet.

My pleasure. Enjoy.

- Hey, congratulations on the wedding.

- Congratulations!

I know. It's so exciting.

I feel so grown-up.

- All right, sir.

- Okay, ma'am.

Okay.

Sh*t! Do you think he heard us?

- No.

- No way.

I gotta get some f***ing friends.

This is cool.

You're coming to me for help.

Well, the good news is

not only do I know men,

but straight guys are my specialty.

What does that mean?

I get bored pursuing gays.

I like to give myself more of a challenge.

- Yeah!

- Excuse me one second.

There you go, brother.

Dig deep, come on.

Push that sh*t out. Look at me,

I'm pinkies. I'm barely touching it.

You're clear. Locked it in, dude.

Nice job. Nice lift.

- Thanks, man.

- You're welcome.

All right, I'll see you around.

I hope so.

- That guy was totally flirting with you.

- I told you.

And did you see his wedding ring?

Straight as an arrow.

I'm telling you, hooking up is easy.

Meeting platonic male friends,

not so much.

So, what do I do?

I mean, how do I meet friends?

It's such a weird concept.

Well, I can do some recon

around the gym,

but you're gonna have to be

aggressive about this, man.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Use the Internet to meet guys.

Get Mom to fix you up.

I mean, if you see a cool-looking guy,

strike up a conversation

- and ask him on a man-date.

- A what?

- A man-date.

- Okay.

- You know what I mean?

- No.

By that, I mean a casual lunch

or after-work drinks, okay?

No dinner and no movies.

You're not taking these boys

to see The Devil Wears Prada.

God, I love that movie.

No, I won't. I got you.

I know what you mean.

This is really exciting.

We're gonna find you some friends.

- So I'm gonna... What do I do?

- You don't play much?

- I used to play a lot of Hearts in college.

- This is the same thing.

I don't even know why he called.

This guy hasn't even played poker.

I don't know.

I don't know, but it's Zooey's fianc,

so just shut the f*** up and be nice.

Well, if I do this, we have sex

with the lights on when you get home.

- Really?

- Yeah. Like in Jamaica.

- Fine.

- All night long.

- Fine. Love you.

- All right.

My brother's a great guy, you know?

I mean, he's smart, he's...

Well, actually,

I don't know him that well,

but I'll give you five free sessions

if you take him out.

Go Beckham!

So glad Robbie hooked this up.

This is awesome! This is awesome!

- Me, too. This is really...

- Isn't this great, man? I love soccer!

Here we go, Galaxy! Here we go!

Here we go, Galaxy! Here we go!

Come on, Peter, stand up. Here we go...

Shut the f*** up!

All right, now people are really upset.

- You shut up!

- No, you shut up!

- You shut up!

- Hey, watch the game!

Honey, he just moved to LA.

He barely knows anyone.

He's an architect.

His mother says

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