I Love You, Man Page #3

he's so excited to meet you.

Robbie told me not to have dinner

with any of these guys.

Your brother's a crazy person.

One dinner won't kill you.

- Doug?

- Peter?

- Hey.

- Hey.

- So you just moved here, huh?

- I did. Pretty recently.

A couple of weeks.

Fresh off the boat from Chicago.

Chi-Town.

- Windy City.

- Oh, yeah.

Da Bears.

Those sports guys.

You know what else, the other old

Saturday Night Live one I love? The...

What's the one Dana Carvey does

with the old lady who's like...

- Church Lady?

- Yes! Yes!

"Isn't that special?"

"Isn't that special?"

That sounded

kind of more leprechaun-y.

- It did?

- It did a little. Like a leprechaun.

Nice to meet you, too, Mel Stein.

The picture's from

a couple of years back.

Have a seat. I'm so happy

to meet you in person, you know.

Me, too. How long have you been

using the Internet?

Three or four years.

I didn't know anything about it

until a couple of years ago.

- You're good at it now.

- Thank you.

- And the big dog!

- There it is!

Let me ask you guys.

Let me ask you guys.

Beatles, Stones. On a count of three.

- One, two, three. Beatles.

- All in.

- F*** you.

- I don't care.

- All in.

- You're an idiot.

That's you, pal.

I will call in.

- Too much for me.

- You're in.

- Anybody else? Just me and you?

- Yeah.

That's it? Pot right? Trip queens.

- Nice.

- Three ladies. Three ladies.

- Nice hand.

- Finally. F***ing finally.

- Wait, let's see what he's got.

- Yeah, let's see what he's got.

I have nothing. I have five spades.

- That's a flush.

- Yes, one, two, three...

Flush!

He's a f***ing a**hole.

- Relax.

- I'm not gonna relax.

- What?

- I said you're an a**hole, Peter.

Don't take it too seriously.

What are you staying in

with seven deuce suited?

With a f***ing rainbow rag flop!

Take the f***ing chips. I'm buying in.

- I'm sorry...

- Just give me some more chips.

I didn't know it was a rainbow.

- Is the wine treating you well?

- It opened up beautifully. Thank you.

- Excellent.

- Come on.

- Hot. Hot.

- Oh, my God.

- She's so hot.

- She's smoking.

All right, Pete,

you done a boat race, right?

- No.

- Just drink the f***ing beer,

- and you'll get the hang of it.

- I've got it. I will...

Doesn't matter who's winning.

It comes down to you and me.

- It's gonna be anchors.

- We're the anchors.

- Let's boat... Let's boat race! Race it up!

- Ain't no luck in boat racing.

One! Two! Three! Go!

Come on, Pete! It's all you, Peter!

Go, go, go!

Take him down!

- One more time!

- Let's go!

Come on! Go, Barry!

- Barry! Damn it, Barry!

- F***!

Yes! In your face! In your...

Holy sh*t!

- I'm sorry.

- Get out of my house.

- I'm so sorry.

- Just get out of my f***ing house.

- I'm sorry.

- This is not cool! Get the f*** out!

I gotta tell you, Doug,

I really enjoyed this.

You know, I've been out

with so many jerks recently.

It's nice to meet somebody

I can have an actual conversation with.

- Let's do it again.

- I'd love to.

Okay. Tomorrow night. Matsuhisa, 8:00.

- I will see you there, sir.

- Awesome.

You've been so busy.

I've hardly seen you

these past couple weeks.

I know. I've been crazy at work.

I'm happy to see you now.

- Have you been kissing someone?

- No.

Peter, your mouth tastes like an ashtray.

Yes. I went to dinner with this guy,

and he kissed me.

What the f*** are you talking about?

My mom set me up with this guy,

and he thought I was gay,

and it was just...

It was a whole misunderstanding.

- Your mom set you up with a guy?

- Yeah.

You told me you were going to dinner

with a client.

- No.

- What the hell is going on?

Look, I overheard you

talking to the other girls

on your girls' night and...

I knew it.

Look, I know that you're stressed out

that I don't have any close friends,

so I've been trying to meet someone.

Right, you've been...

Okay, so that explains a lot.

I thought it was so weird

that you wanted to hang out with Barry.

- Yeah, exactly. That guy's a dick.

- Yeah.

- I threw up in his face.

- Yeah, I know. Denise told me.

- I threw up in his... A lot.

- Yeah.

- Projectiled.

- Yeah.

- That's a real thing.

- Yeah.

Well, I don't think I'm gonna

meet anybody by June 30th,

so our wedding party's

gonna be a little uneven.

Peter, I don't care.

I just want you to be happy

and to stop kissing strange men.

Wow, it's really smoky in there.

Yeah, he got up in there.

- Tongue?

- Oh, yeah.

You wouldn't mind brushing your teeth,

would you?

No. I've already done it

a couple of times.

I'll do the mouthwash again.

- There's some Tom's in the top cabinet.

- No, I gotta go with chemicals on this.

- I love you.

- I love you, too. I might use Comet.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

I live down there.

I like it. I'm liking it.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

It's a good space, you know?

It's a good vibe.

- Yeah? Terrific.

- Yeah.

Well, when the Santa Anas

come through, it is majestic.

- Thanks.

- I'm excited.

- We'll let you know.

- Okay.

Thank you.

- Hello.

- Hi.

- lf you need any help, just let me know.

- Thanks.

Sure.

Thank you for eating.

- I'm the first one, huh?

- Yeah.

I never understood why people

are so afraid to eat at an open house.

I know.

Why's Ferrigno selling?

He bought a place in Jackson Hole.

Yeah, I think he's tired

of the Hollywood grind.

Right.

You know, I've always wanted a pad

with a giant Lou Ferrigno statue,

so I think I've found it.

He's got one.

You're wasting your time

with that couple. Just FYI.

Why do you say that?

I saw the guy pull in.

He's driving a Saab 9.3,

which, I'm not a snob, it's a great car,

but it costs $30,000.

This house must be,

what, 4, $4.2 million?

Doesn't quite compute, right?

Well, I hope that's not the case.

He told me he was gonna make an offer.

I think he's trying to impress that girl

he hasn't slept with yet.

- The feng shui.

- Yeah.

How do you know that?

Well, it's body language, you know?

Look, that guy needs to fart.

It's pretty clear,

but he doesn't know her well enough

to do it in front of her,

so I assume they haven't slept together.

- I like it. You okay?

- Yeah, no, I'm fine. I'm good.

- He does seem to be clenching.

- Yeah, he doesn't wanna fart.

Watch. When he gets enough space,

he's gonna let one rip, I guarantee you.

That's a good move.

"Hey, go check out the kitchen, honey.

I'll meet you in there."

- Okay. Yeah.

- Now watch.

He's making his move slowly.

Slowly but surely. Watch the leg.

Wait for it. Wait for it. Fart.

- Boom. That's a fart, motherf***er.

- Oh, my God.

- That's a f***ing fart.

- Oh, my God!

Look at him crop-dusting across

your open house. It's a disgrace.

- He farted in my open house.

- He sure did.

You know what, guy?

I like it, but I'm thinking

it might be a little bit small.

Totally, and it smells like fart.

- What?

- Never mind.

Let's take off, baby. Come on.

Roll down the windows

in that car, sweetheart.

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