I Love You, Man Page #4

You called that.

That was like a play-by-play.

That's amazing. You called that!

- Yeah. Well, I know my farts.

- Unbelievable.

Well, listen, just full disclosure.

I have no interest in buying this house.

Well, then why are you here?

To eat your free food

and to try to meet a divorce.

- Are you serious?

- I am.

Yeah. I've found

that at the classy open houses,

the spread is usually pretty decent,

and there's a beautiful bevy of attractive

and newly-single women.

I don't know what to say.

Thank you for your honesty.

Thank you for the sun-dried tomato aioli,

because it's a revelation.

- Wow. Hey, thanks for noticing.

- Yeah.

All right,

I'm gonna take this panini for the road.

There's an open house in Bel Air that

promises to be replete with cougars.

- You don't wanna miss that.

- No, sir.

- It was nice to meet you. Yeah.

- You, too.

Hey, you know what, here,

let me give you my business card.

- All right.

- In case you're looking for,

you know, a new home or anything.

I actually specialize in smaller houses,

bungalows, that kind of thing.

- Lovely. Let me give you mine, as well.

- Okay.

- "Sydney Fife."

- That is my name.

There you go.

Well, thank you

for the great open house.

- My plezh. Okay.

- All right.

- Nice to meet you.

- You, too, Sydney.

Hello.

I can't just call him.

Why are you being such a chickenshit?

He gave you his card.

It's an open invitation.

Engage your core.

It's beach season. It's beach season.

I hate this.

There's no rules for male friendships.

What are you freaking out about?

You went out with those other guys.

- I'm really nervous about this one.

- 'Cause you really like him.

All right, buddy, great set.

Take five, I'll come rub you down.

Look, if he does call,

no more dinners, okay?

- It's sending the wrong message.

- I know, I know.

Hey, Peter! I got an extra ticket

to the Galaxy game tonight!

You know what? Thanks, man,

I'm sorry, I can't. I got a function.

I got season ticks.

I'll get you on the flip side. Here we go.

Hey, thanks a lot

for hooking me up with Elmo over there.

- That was a blast.

- What? That guy's cool.

Here we go. Here we go.

Come on, push it out.

Everything you got! Everything you got!

Everything you got!

Yeah.

Just to...

Hey... Pathetic.

Sydney, how you doing?

It's Peter Klaven.

Hey, Sydney, it's Peter Klaven.

We met at the open house last week.

Get some guts, would you?

I got some cheese. Give me a break.

No. Oh, my God.

- Hey, Peter.

- Hey, Carolyn.

Sorry.

Fife. You know what to do.

Hey, Peter. It's Sydney Klaven.

No, that's not right.

Sydney, it's Peter Klaven.

I met you last week at an open house,

and I had a showing and...

Anyway, I was wondering

if you ever wanted to get together

and talk about real estate and whatnot.

Or whatnot. And...

- Hey, sugar.

- Hey.

I'm sorry, I forgot what I was gonna say.

What was I saying?

Yes, the open house and we met...

Anyway, no rush.

You call me back

whenever you get a mo. Get a moment.

And we will talk when I talk to you.

All right.

Hope you're having a great day.

Okay. Bye, now.

F***.

I'm fine with a little mercury poisoning

as long as it means I get to eat raw fish,

'cause I love it so much.

My doctor said it's really bad

if you're trying to get pregnant.

I heard that.

Which Barry and I are doing.

Oh, my God, that's so exciting!

- I'm sorry.

- What?

I'm sorry.

I just pictured you and Barry having sex.

And he's so big and you're so tiny,

and I just...

- Hailey...

- Like, I totally imagined Barry just like...

Okay, hold on, wait.

Why are you even imagining us

doing it anyway?

- I'm seeing it again.

- Well, stop! Stop! Cut it!

No, I love Barry.

- Hey!

- Hey!

- Hey! Hey!

- Hi!

- Hi!

- What are you doing here?

I just had a meeting downtown

with the owners of the development site,

so thought I'd stop in

and say hi on my way back to the office.

So, Peter,

how's your little manhunt coming?

Really, you told them? Shocking.

Well, I mean, Barry and his friends

said they had a great time with you

the other night.

- Seriously?

- No.

Well, I just...

I don't drink that much and they pound.

They were pounding drinks.

Yeah, you're not used to drinking

that much.

Excuse me just a second.

Peter Klaven.

Excuse me just one...

Hey, Sydney. How are you?

Is that a man or a woman?

I don't know. I've never heard of Sydney.

I could be in Venice by 5:00, yeah.

I can do that.

It's a man-date. It's a man-date.

This is a man-date.

James' Beach Bar and Grill.

I look forward to it. Sounds great.

All right. I'll see you in a jiff.

- "See you in a jiff"?

- I don't know why I said that.

I've never said that expression before

in my life. I just said, "See you in a jiff."

Honey, you're all flustered.

Who was that?

It was just this guy

that I met at my open house.

- Sydney something or other.

- Sydney. I like it.

- Oh, my God. Peter's got a boyfriend.

- And I don't.

Oh, God, why does everything

have to be about you?

Because I'm single.

I'm meeting him right now.

Dude, no dinner.

He'll get the wrong idea.

You don't wanna get another

tongue-f***ing at the valet stand.

Yes, Robbie, I promise. No dinner.

Dude, I'm pumped about this.

Call me when you get home.

Yeah!

Thank you, bro.

All right, so you break it off

with your ex-girlfriend...

Yeah, and I met Zooey

the very next day.

Man, no laj between the vag?

- What does that mean?

- No lag time between vaginas.

Yeah, no. I don't...

I mean, I didn't plan for it

to be like that, you know,

with no laj, but it just happened.

All right. How's the sex?

That's a little private, wouldn't you say?

Look, it's something we think about

on a second-to-second basis,

and yet we're not supposed

to talk about it? Why?

Well...

I guess no one's ever really asked me

before, but it's good. Sex is good.

- Oh, boy.

- What, "Oh, boy"?

Well, your voice went up

when you said that.

So?

It means you weren't

being entirely truthful.

Look, I don't know this girl,

so you can talk to me. What's the deal?

I don't know, I guess maybe sometimes

I wish that she enjoyed, you know...

- Getting it in the tush?

- No. No, no, no.

- That's my bad.

- Oral sex.

She doesn't like to put it in the mouth?

I can't believe I'm telling you this.

I don't even know you. Forget it. Look.

Zooey's awesome,

and we have a great sex life.

We really do. I can't...

I don't even know why I said that.

Because you're speaking honestly,

all right? Relax.

And what about you?

- You ever been married?

- No.

For what I'm looking for,

divorces are perfect, you know?

They don't want anything serious,

and neither do I.

Well, hey, man.

You know, if it works for you.

Believe me, Pistol, it is the best.

- "Pistol"?

- Yeah. Pistol.

- Because you're Pete. So Pistol Pete.

- Pistol Pete.

Excuse me,

you guys finishing up here soon?

No, sorry, chief,

we're actually staying for dinner.

No, actually, I already have

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