I Love You, Man Page #5

a dinner plan with my fiance.

No, dude, this place

has the best fish tacos in the world.

Literally. Ranked.

You gotta have one or two.

It's the pico de gallo, man.

Just use your hands.

We're barbarians after all, men.

Every once in a while,

I go down to the Boardwalk

and I just throw my own feces

like a gorilla.

You all right?

How can you disagree with me on this?

I mean, look, my...

It's bad for the whole world.

My lease is gonna be up and I think...

- Are you talking about hybrid cars?

- Yes. Yes.

I thought you were talking

about hybrid animals.

- Hybrid animals?

- Yeah.

What the f*** is a hybrid animal?

It took Andre the Giant a barrel of beer

to get drunk, sometimes two.

- "Hello, pretty lady."

- "Anybody want a peanut?"

Should we get a third order

of fish tacos?

Hands down,

best fish taco I've ever had in my life.

God, those tortillas were incredible.

Yeah, they make them in-house.

It sets up the flavor for the whole dish.

You know what?

I just realized something.

I never even asked you

if you were interested in buying a house.

No. No, why would I be?

Well, it's just when you called me back,

I didn't know if you wanted

to talk about real estate or not.

You just seemed like a good dude.

I thought I'd see if you wanted

to grab a beer. That's all.

I'm glad you called.

- You get home safe, Pistol.

- You got it, Joban.

I'm sorry, what?

Nothing.

- No, what'd you say?

- I don't know.

You... You nicknamed me Pistol,

and I just called you Joban.

It means nothing. I don't...

I'm drunk. I'm gonna call a cab.

All right, man.

You have my number, yeah?

I got you stored in my iPhin.

- All right. If you need me, call, okay?

- Man, I'm golden.

- Yeah. All right, man.

- All right, bud.

Have a good night.

I don't know the number for a taxi.

- Hi, baby.

- Hey.

- Did you have a good time?

- Yeah, we did. Yeah.

Sydney's a cool guy. Got kind of drunk.

- Really?

- Yeah, I had to take a cab home.

- Really? Did you...

- Throw up in his face?

- Yeah.

- No.

- Good.

- So that's good.

That's good. So is he your best man?

It's way too early to tell,

but it's very sweet of you to ask.

Go back to sleep.

I'll be in, in a second, all right?

I just wanna see

if I got any hits on Ferrigno.

Okay.

- Whoomp! There he is! There he is!

- Stop it. Stop it.

- Ass, ass and titties.

- Stop it. F***ing stop it.

- F***, I'm ticklish, Tevin.

- Okay. Uncle. Uncle.

Hey. How was the open hizzy?

- The what?

- The open house.

The open house. It was great.

- Yeah? Did you flip that b*tch yet?

- Yeah.

No. I mean, I've had a few nibbles.

No bites.

Nibbles? Me no likey nibbles.

- Peter, can I talk to you as a friend?

- Sure.

You're dealing with the house

of a major Hollywood celebrity,

Mr. Louis Ferrigno,

The Hulk from television.

Of course. I know that.

How badly

do you wanna sell this house?

- I need to. You know, for...

- I know you need to.

You gotta do it the old-fashioned way.

You gotta network.

You gotta meet a lot of people.

You gotta get them some leave-behinds.

- I have brochures.

- Brochures are totally different, okay?

- How?

- You see this picture right here?

- Yeah.

- Do you know who took it?

- No.

- M. Night Shyamalan,

the director of The Village.

- Okay.

- What's your bus-bench ad situation?

- I don't have any.

- What about urinal cakes?

- How about urinal cakes?

- Do you use them?

- When I pee.

- That's not what I'm talking about.

Go into any Olive Garden,

P.F. Chang's Chinese Bistro,

T.G.I. Friday's, Fuddruckers.

What do they have in the bathroom?

Urinal cakes with my face on it.

Does it... I don't see how that would...

I've had people come up to me

on the streets and say,

"I know you from somewhere."

"Yeah, you do.

You pissed on my face, friend."

I don't see how

having somebody piss on my face

is gonna be able to sell

Lou Ferrigno's house.

Peter, you got the steak,

but I got the sizzle, my nizzle. Right?

Why don't we split the listing. Okay?

Let me wet my beak on this action.

We'll both be winners.

I appreciate it, but I'd really like to try

and do this myself.

Yeah. Absolutely.

I'm just putting on my friend hat here.

- I appreciate it. All right.

- Whoomp! There he is!

- Oh, jeez.

- Watch yourself, big girl.

- Fife.

- Hey, Sydney. It's the Pistol.

Who?

Peter Klaven from

the James' Beach thing the other night.

Hey, yeah, what's going on, man?

Yeah. Not much. I'm working like a dog.

But, you know, usual... The yoozh stuff.

I was just calling to say, hey,

I had a great time the other night.

Yeah, I had a nice time, man.

Those fish tacos are the tits.

Yeah, you know, if you ever wanna

grab lunch or something, nothing major.

Yeah. Actually, you know what?

I'm gonna take my puggle

for a little jaunt

on the Venice Boardwalk.

- You should come meet me.

- All right. Yeah, great.

Cool. Why don't you meet me

at Muscle Beach at like,

- I don't know, in a half an hour?

- Muscle Beach, half an hour.

I will see you there,

or I will see you on another time.

That was very confusing.

I don't know if you're gonna come or not.

- No, I'll be there. I'll be there.

- All right, I'll see you then, buddy.

All right. Laters on the menjay.

What did I just say?

He's a cross

between a beagle and a pug.

- The most beautiful dog in the world.

- He's cute. What's his name?

Anwar Sadat,

after Anwar Sadat,

former president of Egypt.

Right.

Because you're a fan of his policies or...

No, because they look exactly alike.

Hey, so how's Ferrigno coming?

You got any offers yet?

Not yet, no.

This guy that I work with, Tevin Downey,

he wants to share the listing with me.

What? And split the commission?

What about the land

you told me you wanted to buy?

It would put a delay on that,

but I gotta sell the place, you know?

Tevin's a total cheeseball,

but he markets himself like crazy.

He's on bus-bench ads all over town.

You know,

he says the place is out of my league.

Hey, that is bullshit. All right?

That open house was understated.

It was classy and elegant.

I've been to a million of those things

and nobody,

nobody puts out

rosemary flatbread paninis.

Now hold on, my dog needs to sh*t.

Well, I'm trying to sell the place,

believe me, but...

Hey, no, Pete.

Trying is having the intention to fail.

You gotta scrap that word

from your vocab.

Say you're gonna do it and you will.

Come on, buddy. Good boy.

- You need a plastic bag or...

- No, I don't clean up after my dog.

Dog poop is like a compost.

It's got a ton of nutrients

that enrich the soil.

But we're on pavement.

God damn it!

How about cleaning up after your dog?

You mind your own fuckhole!

What the f***? Psycho.

What was that?

I'm a man, Peter.

I've got an ocean of testosterone

flowing through my veins.

Society tells us to act civilized,

but the truth is we're animals,

and sometimes you gotta let it out.

Try it.

I'm not gonna start screaming

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