I Love You, Man Page #6

in the middle of the Venice Boardwalk.

Come with me.

- This is silly.

- Indulge me.

That was really good.

Now gently remove your tampon

and try again.

Respect the process.

Why do you wanna mock the process?

- Because it doesn't do anything.

- No.

If you don't yell,

I'm gonna punch you in your stomach.

That was really good, man.

That was terrifying.

You just scared my dog.

- Yeah? You feel better?

- Yeah.

- Want to get a corn dog?

- Yeah!

Let's go.

...the span of this, like, I don't know,

I know. I read it in college, and I loved it.

What a great house.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, come check out the back.

Yeah.

- This is a bumper car I got on eBay.

- Wow.

I was in a bidding war

with CarnivalKid 32,

so I had to go on the "Buy It Now" price,

but I got it.

- Coolness.

- And you remember Marlena.

Hey, Lenish.

Now let's check out

the pice de rsistance, b*tch.

I wanna do it. Separate garage.

- Mr. Klaven.

- Very nice.

Welcome to the Temple of Doom.

Holy sh*t, Sydney. This place is insane.

Holy f***. Oh, my God.

- Thanks, man. I try.

- This is amazing.

- Thank you, sir.

- You got some TVs.

I do. I do.

Photographs.

- Beer?

- I'll snake a brew.

- Put on some tunes.

- Is that you?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's me in ninth grade, man.

- Are you that little kid?

- Yeah, I was a late bloomer.

"Wrecking Crew."

- Come and take a load off, bud.

- Oh, man.

Pop a squizz nut.

What's going on over there?

This is where I jerk off.

And the condoms?

- I wear them when I masturbate.

- Are you kidding me?

I always get this reaction,

but the fact is they decrease sensitivity

so I can last longer.

And there's no sticky mess to clean up.

And when your divorces come over,

you put them away?

Pete, this is the man cave.

There's no women allowed in here.

I got a jerk-off station, for God's sakes.

Sit down, man.

What about when your guy friends

come over? Aren't you embarrassed?

Masturbation is a part of life, Pete.

Dudes masturbate. So do chicks.

You never talked about masturbating

with your friends?

- No, I haven't.

- All right.

When was the last time you did it, Pete?

I'm not gonna tell you that.

Hey. Listen, you think of this place

as a Cone of Silence, all right?

I'm not gonna tell anybody

any of the things you say in here.

You have my word.

Zooey went to the Pasadena flea market

with her friends last weekend,

and I did it then.

Well, that sounds lovely.

What'd you use? Internet or DVD?

How do you get me

to tell you these things?

Come on.

I used a picture of Zooey in a bikini

that I took when we were on vacation

in Cabo San Lucas.

Wait, you jacked off

to a picture of your own girlfriend?

You... That... Wow. That is sick.

Oh, my God! What is wrong with you?

What's wrong with that?

Pedro, there is so much wrong with that,

I don't even know where to begin. It's...

- That is sick, man.

- Someone's ears were burning.

Heard you say you jacked off

to her picture, sicko.

Hey, babe.

Good. Yeah, I'm over here at Sydney's.

We're just chillaxing.

We're in the chill station.

Yeah, I'm kind of playing hooky

from work.

No, I'll see you at home later on.

Love you, too. Bye-bye.

Hey, why'd you tell her

you bailed from work?

I didn't wanna lie to her.

You're one of the most honest people

I've ever met. You can understand that.

Yeah, I never lie to women,

but, I mean, there are some things

I choose not to share with them.

- I don't really see the distinction.

- Really?

So you've told Zooey that you jacked off

to her picture last weekend.

Well, no, but...

All right. Well, you shared

that information with me, didn't you?

So there are dividing lines.

That's all I'm trying to say.

Like, I love to take a girl out to dinner,

but I'm not gonna go golf 18 holes

with her.

You know what? Zooey and I played golf

together a couple of months ago.

- It was really fun.

- That sounds like a f***ing nightmare.

What do you play?

I play a little bit of everything,

but if I had to narrow it down to one,

I guess I'd say I'm an axman.

- Sweet. Guitar.

- What about you? You play anything?

I used to slap the bass

in a high school jazz band.

- All right.

- Rush. I love Rush.

Dude, Rush is the greatest band

of all time.

Yeah, no, how about of all time?

All time.

You know what? We should

jam together sometime, man.

Yeah. Totally.

Totes McGotes. Cool.

Well, you know what?

I should probably hit it to it.

All right, yeah.

I gotta get to bed early, anyway.

I'm doing a big day hike

with my buddies in Malibu tomorrow.

Yeah. Hey, thanks a lot. It was a really...

It was a good hang.

- Yeah.

- Sweet, sweet hanging.

- Well, adis, Pistol.

- Take it easy, Siddy Slicker.

- I'm sorry.

- What?

I called you Siddy Slicker.

- That sucks.

- No, it was pretty close.

It's a lame nickname.

I thought it was good.

It was better than Joban.

Yeah, right. I'm gonna get it.

I'll get a better one.

- Dude, it was fine.

- I'm gonna get you.

- Get out of here. Get out of here.

- I'm gonna get you, sucka.

Later on, my...

Peter, I have a Lou Ferrigno for you

on line three.

Put him through.

Mr. Ferrigno. Hey, it's Peter Klaven.

Peter, what the hell's going on?

Yeah. If you just go past the first area

to the left, he's right there.

- Sure. What's your name?

- Leanne.

Leanne. That was my mother's name.

- Really?

- I don't know. Was it?

Peter, it's been on the market

for three weeks...

- Yes.

- ... and we haven't gotten one offer.

And that's why we're having another

open house this weekend.

Hello, mystery woman.

I think it was very beneficial,

very beneficial.

Beneficial? It was beneficial?

So you're telling me

we're gonna sell this house?

Absolutely,

and I've gotten many nibbles this week.

- Nibbles?

- Yes, sir.

It's all about food with you, Peter.

No one cares about

the stupid sandwiches you put out.

No, sir. No, I absolutely agree with you.

You want to sell a house

and not a panini.

- Paninis? Paninis?

- Yes, sir.

Don't make him angry.

Enough with the cold cuts,

the condiments.

- You wouldn't like him when he's angry.

- What the hell you think this is?

No, I understand.

It's an open house and not a deli.

- Peter? Hello? You need to focus.

- Yeah. Yep. I think...

- I think...

- Let people know my house is for sale.

Forget about the sandwiches

and focus on selling my f***ing house.

- Let's do this, okay?

- Yes, sir.

- Okay?

- Okay.

- Goodbye.

- All right, thank you. Bye-bye.

You all right?

- Hulk busting your balls?

- Yeah.

- What are you doing here?

- My blood bank's a few blocks away.

I'm AB negative. It's extremely rare,

so I try to donate every couple of weeks.

That's really nice, Sydney.

There's also this nurse there

who I wanna f*** so badly.

Oh, boy, here we go.

Should have guessed.

Hey, weren't you supposed to go hiking

with your friends today?

Yeah, a couple of them had to bail,

but we'll reschedule.

Anyway, listen, I got a house full

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