I Married a Witch

1

[ Upbeat ]

[ Man ]

And may this be the fate...

of all the witches,

warlocks, and sorcerers...

who attempt to work

their evil magic...

within the township

limits of Roxford.

The book of exorcism,

please.

Mayest thou and thy kind...

be condemned forever

to eternal flames...

never to return

to the neighborhood of Roxford.

And now, while we prepare

for the extinction...

of the father of this witch...

the old sorcerer who attempted

to come to her aid...

there will be

a short intermission.

- [ People Chattering ]

- Popped maize.

Get your fresh Indian popped maize,

tuppence a poke.

It's buttered,

it's hot, it's fresh.

An anti-witch charm in every poke.

Tuppence, please.

Popped maize. Here we are.

It's buttered, it's fresh.

Popped maize,

Master Wooley?

What has got into thee,

Jonathan?

- What?

- Dost doubt she was a witch?

I should never have accused her

if I were not sure.

And her father.

Unquestionably

a sorcerer.

Mother, if thou hadst

seen what I saw.

We both saw our cows

turn pink, then blue...

and our sheep

dancing a minuet.

- But thou didst not see Jennifer.

- Jennifer?

She told me her name

when she chased me into the hayloft.

She was young

and beautifully fair

fairer than all women

that ever were.

How didst not tell that

to the judges?

Because I could never

describe her beauty.

What happened

in the hayloft, Jonathan?

She brought

her golden tresses...

close to my face

and whispered...

"Jonathan Wooley, thou hast

denounced me as a witch.

For that

thou shalt be accursed.

Thou and thy children

and thy children's children

all will be

under the same curse."

What was the curse?

I and all my descendants...

will be unhappy in love.

The marriages we make

will be disastrous until

Yes?

- 'Tis too wicked to tell thee, Mother.

- Rubbish!

Thou art in love with Purity Sykes

and even betrothed to her.

- Aye, Mother.

- And Purity is a woman among thousands.

Aye, Mother, she is that.

Jonathan, wouldst leave

thy future wife sit there all alone?

- What ails him, Mistress Wooley?

- Ah, Purity.

You will find

he is a dreamer.

He needs only a firm hand.

Jonathan, I must ask thee

to be more attentive.

- In the future

- Look!

The oak tree.

'Twill be planted over their ashes.

- Why?

- To hold the evil spirits

shh!

prisoner in its roots...

thus keeping their wicked

powers from surviving.

I hope.

And this is the tree which was

planted over their ashes.

[ Chuckles ]

The witches' spirits, of course...

are imprisoned in its roots.

[ Chuckles ] Imprisoned forever.

Martha...

I have the honor to

- to

- Are you proposing to me?

Yes, Martha.

Oh, Nathaniel!

[ Woman Giggling ]

What was that?

[ Man ]

Fort Sumter fired upon!

War declared

between the states!

Nancy Nancy, control yourself.

Control yourself.

Drop your hand.

I wish to throw this vase!

Master Wooley,

did you hear? War!

Where is the nearest

recruitin' office?

Running off to war

like a coward!

- [ Horn Honking ]

- [ Nagging, Indistinct ]

[ Horn Honking ]

[ Indistinct Nagging

Continues ]

[ Big Band:
Mellow ]

I'm not talking about

the whole house at the moment.

It's that living room!

- [ Thunder Crashing ]

- [ No Audible Dialogue ]

Estelle!

Now Now, listen to me!

Estelle!

Estelle.

Estelle, please.

- What?

- [ Man ] Miss Masterson?

Please. Hold it.

One more.

Papa, I'm leaving.

Smile.

Will you try to be more pleasant?

At least until after the wedding.

[ Man ] Fellow members

of the Roxford Country Club...

Dr. White's proposing

another toast.

I realize that lovebirds...

would like to be out on the veranda

whispering sweet nothings.

[ All Chuckling ]

After a certain

ceremony tomorrow...

they will have all the rest

of their lives for billing and cooing.

- Mostly billing.

- [ All Laughing ]

But if the voters have

any sense at all, they will insist...

that the first four years

of the honeymoon be spent

in the governor's mansion!

[ Cheering ]

Go ahead. You might pick up

a few more votes.

- [ Man ] We want Wooley!

- [ Man #2 ] We want Wooley!

[ Chanting ] We want Wooley!

We want Wooley!

[ Chanting Continues ]

I see getting married...

as well as trying to get elected,

calls for speeches.

[ People Laughing,

Applauding ]

I can truly say...

that a new life

is beginning for me.

[ Thunder Crashing ]

[ Man ] Ladies and gentlemen,

it's just a storm.

Ladies and gentlemen...

while at the moment,

the future seems a little dark

- [ People Chuckling ]

- You see?

One never knows

what the next moment will bring.

- [ People Laughing ]

- [ Thunder Crashing ]

[ Woman's Voice ]

Where am I? What's happened?

[ Man's Voice ]

A miracle! An infernal miracle!

We're free again.

Free at last!

- [ Woman ] Who speaketh?

- 'Tis I, thy father, Daniel.

[ Woman ]

But thou hast no substance.

[ Daniel ] Nor hast thou, Jennifer.

We are smoke witches' smoke.

But our evil spirits

have survived.

[ Jennifer ] 'Twill be sweet

to plague the human race again.

[ Daniel ] First we'll visit

the cornfield and ruin the crop.

'Tis always

a good way to limber up.

[ Jennifer ] Look, Father.

The cornfield is no longer there.

[ Daniel ] Well, we must

expect a few changes...

in 270 years.

[ Jennifer ] Were our spirits

in the wood that long?

[ Daniel ]

Aye. I counted the tree rings.

[ Jennifer ]

See? They've built a new house.

It seems all ablaze.

Is it on fire?

[ Daniel ] Not yet!

[ Cackling ]

What's knittin', kitten?

You like to cut a rug?

Let's ditch these ickies. How about

goin' to heaven in your jalopy?

That's solid, Jackson.

Now you're cookin' on the front burner.

What language is that,

Father?

[ Daniel ]

I don't know, but we'll learn it.

[ Big Band:
Mellow ]

[ Jennifer ]

See how they dance today.

They stand so close.

[ Daniel ] Well, well, well.

Things have changed.

[ Jennifer ] I never thought I'd see

clothes like that in New England.

[ Daniel ] These cannot be

the descendants...

of the Puritans we knew.

[ Jennifer ] There's something

that hasn't changed...

in 270 years.

[ Daniel ]

Keep thy mind on our business!

[ Jennifer ]

'Twould be nice to have lips

lips to whisper lies...

lips to kiss a man

and make him suffer.

Father, why cannot I have

lips and eyes and hair?

- [ Door Opens ]

- [ Daniel ] Careful. Someone's coming.

Quick! Do as I do!

These bottles

we'll hide in them.

Quick! Quick, quick,

quick, quick, quick!

[ Jennifer ]

Whee!

[ Daniel ]

Are you all right, Jennifer?

[ Jennifer ] 'Tis full of bubbles

in here. They tickle!

[ Daniel ] My bottle has

the tang of maple rum!

[ Jennifer Whispering ]

Look, Father!

Come closer, man,

so I can see thee better.

[ Daniel ] Riddle-dee-dee,

riddle-dee-doe...

get thee hence and stub thy toe.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Jennifer Whispering ] There was

something familiar about that face.

Could we follow him?

- What'll it be, Mr. Wooley?

- The same bourbon.

Yes, sir, Mr. Wooley.

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