I Really Hate My Job Page #2

to everything... #

[kisses, sighs]

Al Bowlly.

He died in the war.

Caf de Paris,

the Ritz in the Blitz.

Don't tell me

he wrote hits.

He did. He's got

a better range than Sinatra.

- Sinatra didn't have a range.

- Exactly.

Suzie, you are

twenty-f***ing-four.

You're meant to be listening

to Justin f***ing Timberlake.

- [music stops]

- Will you please

stop swearing?

No one ever tell you

what language is for?

It's for f***ing

expressing yourself.

That mirror is

absolutely filthy.

It would be great

if you guys could use your

initiative a little more.

Toilets and fridges?

[sighs]

- [sizzling]

- [classical music playing]

Will you kill

the goddamn funeral music?

- Cheers me up.

- I can't bear it

a second longer.

Oh, change it, then.

[sizzling]

- [classical music stops]

- [salsa music playing]

[squeaking]

Rita, can you start

the salads, please?

[sniffs]

I can smell rat sh*t

with my mouth.

God, whatever happened

to unions?

I don't know

if I can do this.

- Put it in perspective.

- Hmm? What perspective?

It's only cooking for

people you don't care about.

I mean,

it's a sh*t kitchen...

[Alice thinking]

Shouldn't have just stopped

when she's on the pier.

It needs

a stronger transition.

I need to rewrite it.

I need--

Why are you doing this?

- What do you mean?

- You don't have to do this.

- I have bills to pay.

- You are an intellectual.

- Yeah, right.

- You are smarter than you

give yourself credit for.

You're just saying that.

Well...

how else am I meant

to communicate?

Suzie, you're

on tables one to seven.

I can do the rest.

Abi, you're doing the bar,

and you can help us out

when we're busy.

[Abi thinking]

Oh, my God, I'm going to die.

And please, g--

guys, we really need

to work as a team tonight,

so no annoying the intercom

or sneaky wine tasting.

[Abi thinking]

I'm going to be 70 in 40 years.

- [salsa music playing]

- [rats squeaking]

[rat feet pattering]

[squeaking continues]

- [phone rings]

- Hello.

I'm sorry.

We're pretty full tonight.

Four?

Um, well, maybe...

Sorry. Could you just

hold the line a moment?

Excellent.

[yells]

Rat.

- Under the table.

- [squeaking]

- Oh, my God, it's huge.

- Beat the f***er to death.

Suzie.

Hey, Donna, how old are you?

- Why?

- Just curious.

I'm 28. Why?

How old are you?

Twenty-six.

Ha.

So were you

actually born Madonna?

Was I born?

You told me you were 28.

Well, no, I figured

you were born.

But were you christened

Madonna or did you borrow

it off someone else?

Oh, sh*t, it's gone.

The question is,

where did it go?

I met someone

who knew you at school.

- [phone beeps]

- Uh, hello.

Sorry about the delay.

How can I help you?

Yes.

- Rats are significant.

- [yelps]

The fact that the worker here

today was burned is significant.

Okay, I know.

You think you know,

but you don't.

We constantly function from

the position of received ideas.

Can I take a name?

You promised Alice

no more bookings.

Danny? What, three?

Could you spell that?

H-U-S-T-O-N?

Lovely. 9:
00.

Can I take

a contact number?

Lovely. Thank you.

Bye-bye.

[beeps]

Who?

Uh, Danny Huston.

As in the actor

Danny Huston?

I didn't ask

what he does, Abi.

Well, did you

speak to him?

- No. It was his P.A.

- How do you know

it was his P.A.?

Uh, she said...

"I am Danny Huston's P.A."

[laughs]

I love Danny Huston.

[Suzie]

What's he been in?

Oh, God, everything,

but, um...

that film where he plays

a producer or something,

um... in Hollywood

and he dies at the end.

You know, that Danny Huston.

Abi, there's a Steve McQueen

who works in my post office.

This Danny Huston might not

be that Danny Huston.

How many post office

workers have P.A.s?

You really like him.

Suze, God, he is like a proper

old-fashioned movie star.

Now I know who you mean.

He has the eyes of

a beautiful wild animal.

I wouldn't put it

exactly that way, but...

Oh, yes.

Sorry. Yes, I know

who you mean.

Um, he was in that, um...

that film called...

uh...

Suzie, have you got

your camera on you?

- Of course.

- Great.

Could you kind of

surreptitiously, um...

- What?

- Take a shot of... of...

[laughing]

You want me

to take his photo?

No, you can't do that.

That is so what

my mother would do.

- You can't do that.

- Only takes one star

to cause a stampede of them.

A stampede of stars?

Would you agree that,

as a culture, we are overcome

not by the sense

of possibility

but the banality

of the social orders

we have erected

for ourselves?

Salads.

Customers arriving in 10.

- I need to do his table.

- You're doing the bar.

I help out on the floor

when necessary.

This is necessary.

What, you think

he's going to insist

you are given a role

in his next film?

Stranger things

have happened.

- I don't know if that's true.

- Suzie, I am begging you.

This is me begging you.

Movie stars hate to be bugged

by desperate waitresses.

Okay, I might be desperate,

but I am not above humiliation.

Toilets, Abi.

Suze, water, please.

Suzie, please, please, please?

Please, please, please?

Please, please,

please, please.

Okay, you can do his table,

but only if I get to play

at least four Al Bowlly songs

without complaint.

I love you, Suzie.

I love you, I love you,

I love you.

God, imagine

his handsome face here.

Abi, you're behaving

like a teenager.

If only I was one.

At least I'd have a future.

You're not even 30.

What's it like

being you?

F***ing sad.

Abi, please

don't drink on shift.

First customers due.

[Abi thinking]

In reality,

he might be a midget.

He could be

the actor equivalent

of the fake moon

landing theory.

He might love me.

[Al Bowlly]

# Thanks for all

the lovely delights #

# I've found in your embrace #

Greg's coming in

tomorrow to talk.

What about?

I think maybe we

need to rationalize

our business strategy

to become

more cost effective.

What does that mean?

Uh, that we need

more customers.

How's Simona?

Oh, yeah, you know,

she's, uh...

she's really great.

What?

She keeps saying how

maybe we should be friends.

Aren't you friends already?

Lovers say they want

to be friends when they

want to leave you.

Oh.

I'm sure it's just a hiccup.

Have you tried

drinking her upside down?

What?

Um...

I'm sure everything

will be fine.

Oh, no. Yeah,

absolutely it'll be fine.

You know, there was

this couple in last night

who seemed really in love,

so I gave them

really great service.

Then the phone rang.

It was his wife.

She was in hospital,

in labor with

their first child.

So he was with his mistress.

Yes.

So I told them

we were closing.

What time was it?

- Around 11:
00.

- But that's when we close.

But they didn't know that,

did they, Suzie?

No.

This... was made

by a street cleaner

who spent his life

photographing snowflakes.

Well, that's very good.

Isn't it?

[sighs]

[chuckles]

Are you enjoying art school?

- Oh, my God, yes.

- What is it you're working on?

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