I Really Hate My Job Page #3

Well...

mainly portraits of the hands

of people I have loved

and a video of people

trying to remember

the lyrics of

their favorite songs.

But for my final year show

I'm thinking of

filling the gallery

with tiny photographs

of precious objects

you have to really peer at

to see properly.

Simona said

my slippers repulsed her.

That's not good.

I'm really glad that she

felt she could tell me.

- [door opens]

- May I help you?

First orders of the night:

no starters, two chicken,

one salmon.

Can you believe

who's coming to dinner?

Virginia Woolf?

No. Table for four at 9:00

in the name of Danny Huston.

- As in the actor?

- As in the actor.

He's a very

versatile actor.

[Abi]

I didn't know you were

a movie buff, Rita.

Oh, I like well-crafted,

morally complex movies

with strong narratives

and powerful acting.

Who wouldn't?

Stop it.

Madonna promised me

no more bookings.

- This is an exception.

- Why?

- He is an amazing actor.

- Wow.

What do you got

against actors?

- They're like tribute bands.

- Excuse me?

They speak someone else's words,

interpret someone else's ideas,

and try to look

like someone else.

- The joy.

- They're faded copies

of a vibrant original.

Blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah.

What is the justice

in George Clooney

getting millions

for playing, say, a doctor

when real doctors get

a fraction of that?

Or a cook.

How much did Julia Roberts

get for Mystic Pizza?

More than I get, I bet.

Julia Roberts was

the waitress, not the cook.

Yeah, okay, whatever.

Two chicken, one salmon.

Most of the world doesn't

even have clean water.

That doesn't mean

we shouldn't drink it.

Has there ever been

a film that truly showed

the life of a woman?

That would be

a really boring film.

Take the bread.

You know, you guys

really need to lighten up.

[banging, squealing]

Bloody fans.

Order, table 10.

Two soups,

one linguini,

one jamon.

Table eight ready?

Oh, it is hot in here.

Madonna, you promised

no more bookings.

Sorry, Alice.

It's only four.

Can't turn down

celebrities.

- I am not a cook.

- Alice, you gotta remember

it's very good for

the restaurant to have

well-known people eat here.

[coughs]

I cannot stand

celebrity culture.

It's only one celebrity,

not the whole culture.

Man, a real movie star

here tonight.

I still can't

quite believe it.

- Oh, for God's sake.

- So, Mrs. Manager,

what you doing about

the worker being burned today?

- Rita, are

those salads ready yet?

- I feel really bad about it.

You've got to remember

that everybody gets

burned in a kitchen.

- Aah!

- [Rita] The heat

probably drove him crazy.

Alice, it's Danny Huston.

I mean, what is not to love?

We're in this together.

I'm sorry, but I don't

really believe

you are that affected by

the workers under your care.

I don't know him.

People don't love movie stars

because they "know them"

know them.

Okay, whatever.

That's patently unfair.

I started the recycling scheme.

[laughs]

That's about rubbish.

No, that's about

Mother Earth.

Yours is a drab, drab world.

How's table eight?

...perpetuating

an exploitative system?

Rita, you've got to get

past the blame here

and embrace the positivity

of what you're doing.

We're not exactly

down a diamond mine

in Sierra Leone here.

Okay, table eight.

If it's such a nice job,

why is it so hard

to get the fans fixed

in such a nice job?

- The fans are being seen to.

- The fans are symbolic.

- Of what?

- Of the possibility of air

and movement and pleasure,

of the possibility of being

able to breathe freely.

Hey, ladies.

Suzie.

Abi, can you take these

to eight, please?

Will you take these soups

to 10, please, my love?

I need to have

a little chat with Rita.

[Madonna]

You know, I think

it's great we're talking

and that you feel

you can express your

feelings to me about--

And the rats?

What about the rats?

You know that every cafe

in Soho has rats.

So give me one reason

why I should care

about the fate

of this gilded cage.

Would a hug help right now?

No.

Madonna, you forgot

the salad.

[clears throat]

No, I'm okay, really.

I'm just...

I really appreciate

this chat.

Thanks, Rita.

Blimey.

What's with the hugging?

What can I get you to drink?

[patrons chattering]

[sighs]

How's your boyfriend?

I have no boyfriend.

[banging]

[squeaking]

What about that guy

with the haircut?

- Gone.

- Oh.

[squeaking]

[Abi thinking]

Seventy-three minutes to go.

Good evening.

How are we tonight?

[man]

Yeah, great, thanks.

[screaming]

What can I get you to drink?

A bottle of champagne,

please.

- A very good choice.

- [screaming continues]

[pop song playing

over sound system]

[sniffles]

# Dancing at discos,

eating cheese on toast #

# Yeah, you make me merry,

make me very, very happy #

# But you obviously #

- [sobs]

- # You didn't wanna

stick around #

# So I learnt from you #

[salsa music playing

over sound system]

Table four:

no starters, one chicken,

two salmon, one lamb.

Hey, Rita, parking meter.

Hold that pot up

like you're in a dream ranch.

Dream ranch?

Great.

Alice, do you think

oysters ever feel aggressive?

Hard to say.

They flinch.

Oh, not flinch.

- They're not people.

- It would be hell

to be an angry oyster.

- Busy in there?

- No fists to shake...

- Suzie.

- because you have no fists.

Can you take

these starters to 12?

Okay.

But you'll like this.

I went to a Chinese

restaurant the other night,

and on the menu--

- Stop now.

- Okay, okay, I'll be quick.

On the menu

they had fish lip

with couch

and a small pan of greed.

[Rita laughing]

Imagine the size

of a fish lip

on a couch.

- [door closes]

- [laughing continues]

[Abi muttering]

Right.

F*** it.

Hey, are you okay?

[sighs]

Phil keeps texting me

that breaking up with me

is the best thing

he has ever done,

like, repeatedly,

like he is ecstatic.

He says that

I am self-obsessed.

But self-obsession is

just my way of trying

to work things out.

- Why can't anyone see that?

- I can see that.

I really can.

- You can?

- Mm-hmm.

Two glasses of house red

and a sparkling.

[Rita]

You lost weight, haven't you?

- Jesus.

- It's good to drop some pounds.

You were enormous.

So what happened

to the guy you were seeing?

I only saw him once.

Did you get down and dirty?

High-waisted jeans.

- So?

- They were ironed.

- Ah.

- It is such a relief...

I have finally reached the end

of my life as a sexual being.

- Enormous?

- Yeah.

I didn't want to say it.

Yeah, I've been thinking

of writing a story

about how love affairs

and murder

both begin with

the discovery of a body.

You actually

ever had a boyfriend?

- Rita.

- Name one.

- Stefan.

- So you're not a virgin?

One bottle of sparkling

for eight

and two San Miguel

for 10.

Hey, what do you think

makes Danny Huston

so utterly appealing?

What? I don't know.

Come on.

He's talented,

he's a time traveler,

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