I Really Hate My Job Page #4

and he has empathy.

Thank you.

You know, millions

of lepers have empathy,

but you don't necessarily

want to sleep with them.

I don't want to

sleep with him.

- You don't?

- No.

Here you are.

Thanks.

What do you mean,

"time traveler"?

What you love

about him is both--

real and a phantom image.

Two espressos for 11, please.

What do you mean,

"phantom image"?

All movies are

like ghost stories.

I don't follow.

Every movie is

an image of the past

played out in the present,

and, therefore,

all movie actors are,

in a sense, phantoms.

[sizzling]

Tennis players eat bananas.

- What?

- Tennis players eat bananas.

Sports people used to think

you had to have

little section of oranges,

and then someone

thought of bananas.

It's the potassium,

so no more cramps.

Rita, please.

All I'm saying here

is maybe, just maybe,

there are some aspects

in our life

in which we are

still eating oranges

when we could at least

be thinking about

the possibility of bananas.

What are you talking about?

[shrieks]

You've never been married.

Who mentioned marriage?

[shudders]

- We've got work to do here.

- Pot calling kettle.

What do you know about me?

What do you know about anything?

You don't know me--

my feelings,

my pain, nothing!

Rita, calm down.

It's...

It's true I don't really

know a lot about you,

but, I mean, we're not

on a date here.

What do you want me to say?

I really am sorry if you're

going through stuff,

but I'm kind of

preoccupied here!

[whispering]

We can still talk, can't we?

Okay.

[Suzie]

Two linguine for table four.

[Madonna]

Salmon starter, two linguine...

[hacks, spits]

- [mutters]

- Sorry.

- [argues]

- I've had it.

So naive.

How the days just fly...

- How is table seven doing?

- How's table four?

[chattering]

- Abi.

- Watch it.

Table four.

- All done?

- Yeah. Thanks.

[man]

I haven't seen you

for months.

- Can I have the bill, please?

- Of course.

I think he has

a very manly figure.

I don't know.

I like men a little fatter.

- You have met someone.

- Okay, yes.

Dreamy, arty, weirdo type?

- Maybe.

- Where did you meet him?

Whitstable, at Adam's house.

We talked all night

without touching.

- Oh, how touching.

- Don't be mean.

How old is he?

Nineteen.

You're in love

with a chubby embryo?

I thought you were keeping

an open mind about men.

My options do not include

children or the obese.

His weight is irrelevant.

How many pounds?

- Abi.

- How fat?

Kind of...

Kind of... like...

Santa?

Jesus.

- Is that so weird?

- Yes.

Order, table four.

I think you guys are doing

an amazing job in here.

Tarts, table nine.

Keep up the good work.

She ever try to hug you?

Mm-hmm. A couple of times.

I find hugging

as a management strategy

sinister.

[chuckles]

Hey, Suze, can I run

something by you?

Wait. I'll just

deliver these, yeah?

[sighs]

I got offered

a job yesterday.

- No.

- Yes.

A friend of my mother's

who works

in this crappy publishing house

offered it to me.

It's ghost-compiling

a newsreader's favorite poems.

Okay.

- You know Tony O'Donnell?

- Yeah, sure.

A book is coming out of

his favorite poems, but he

doesn't want to choose them.

That is hilarious.

[whispering]

I have been offered a...

a role in a porn film.

- Oh, my God.

- [groans]

I have studied

Ibsen and Chekhov.

I'd love to see

one of the three sisters

deal with this one.

- [man] Waitress.

- It's you.

You finish your book

and get a job in publishing.

That's so great.

So when are you going to start?

- I'm not.

- What?

I cannot, in all conscience,

accept such a job.

But it could get you

out of here.

At least in here

it's honest.

Bullshit.

Don't romanticize it.

At least I'm not lying.

You know,

sometimes you have

the smugness

of a hippie fascist.

One glass of merlot

and one still.

Go on.

It's a new line

in art porn.

You know, like porn

in black and white.

- Mm.

- You know, like, um...

examining the texture

of your knee

as his gnarled hand

moves across it.

They're offering me

a thousand quid.

[sighs]

I'm so f***ing broke.

I have no electricity.

I have a Visa bill

at 17.9% interest.

Whose gnarled hand?

My elderly fictitious uncle's.

Wow.

At least the director is gay.

- Man or woman?

- A man.

- Why is that at least?

- Somehow it seems less creepy.

Mm-hmm. Wait a sec.

Okay.

[creaks]

[bangs]

[rattles, slams]

[woman]

Waitress.

You should get a low-interest

loan and pay it off.

- Suzie.

- I'm with you.

- This is serious.

- I realize this.

What's the story?

An innocent but literary

blind girl

is sent to stay

with her crippled,

gnarled-handed uncle

in the country.

Things transpire.

[sighs]

The gateway to my guts

on the big screen.

What do you think?

Should I do it?

- The gateway to your guts?

- Don't be naive.

Okay, okay.

So you'll be playing

an innocent but literary

blind girl.

That will be acting.

Exactly. The fact that sex is

involved should be irrelevant.

How about the fact that

you'll be causing erections

of the penises of men

you haven't met?

Never think of your audience--

number one rule.

Way too paralyzing.

Besides, I bet there's

some sickos out there

who carry wood 'cause a bee's

landed on a f***ing rose petal.

You should aim higher

than this.

I am aiming

at the f***ing moon,

but like I said,

I got no electricity

and 17.9% f***ing interest.

Weird they call it interest.

It's so not interesting.

Suzie.

- God, but...

- [sighs]

can you imagine your...

you know, um...

stretched across the screen

the size of a bus?

Don't say bus.

Strange, but the energy

feels really, um...

distracted in here tonight.

I'm sorry.

Did you say something, Madonna?

[snickers]

Please, guys, we really need

to develop a more positive...

Good night.

Thank you.

energetic vibe.

Bottle of cab sav for 10,

please, Abi.

You know,

you lost your mojo.

Okay, it's interesting

you know me so well, Rita.

When did this legendary time

exist that I actually had

a mojo to lose?

Come on, Alice.

You're an intellectual.

You can work that one out.

I am not an intellectual.

I am just tired!

- Intellectuals can be tired.

- Actually, you're right!

That's true.

They can!

[man on radio]

From the very beginning.

[Latin dance music plays]

# Mmm #

Suzie, can I ask you something?

Of course.

Do I, um...

look okay in the mornings?

Most people look better

at night.

I wonder...

if you've kissed her

for the last time.

No, I mean...

I'm sure you will again.

I just always think

it's so strange

that we will do things

for the last time

in our life one day,

and most of the time

we won't realize

it's the last time.

I don't believe

in such negative thinking.

It's not negative.

It's just real.

Reality's what you choose

to make of it, Suzie.

Table four need help.

[chuckles]

What would you say

if I said I don't believe

table four exists right now?

Uh, I would acknowledge

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