I Served the King of England Page #2

What would you like, junior?

It was quite different from

what I'd been used to alone.

It was so forbiddingly beautiful

that I wished for nothing else.

I looked at the world

differently from then on.

I'm up a creek again,

aren't I, Mr. Dite?

Not at all.

Just move your queen...

Raspberry grenadine!

- What about my queen?

- Right away...

look what you've done, you shrimp!

Is this how you wait tables?

How dare you!"

I won't listen to such slander.

- He ruined your dress.

- What business is it of yours?

- I'll have to pay for it.

- I want nothing from you.

Watch this...

For the check.

Come to Paradise tonight.

I bought a beautiful bouquet

of wild poppies.

The scent of raspberry

trailed behind her.

She stepped out in that

silk dress full of peonies,

and bees hovered around her

like a Turkish honey store.

But I knew I had to leave.

An apprentice waiter

cannot take the liberties

a respectable citizen

only enjoys in private.

But there was some luck

in this misfortune.

I was hired at Hotel Tichota.

The hotelier, Mr. Tichota, hired me

at the request of my guardian angel:

Van Berkel's sales representative,

Mr. Walden.

The hotel was like in a fairy tale.

It reminded me of sleeping Beauty.

I couldn't really imagine

how I'd ended up here,

or who it was built for, or if

it was possible to live like this.

The hotel was set up

like an orchestrion:

Someone would suddenly put a coin

in it and it would begin to play.

- Need a railcar of Hungarian hogs?

- Lord!

- How about two?

- What are you feeding me?

- A whole trainload?

- Yuck!

Okay, then.

I determined to save up

so that chambermaid would be mine.

I never saw happier men

than those rich industrialists.

Like all rich people they were

as playful and merry as puppies.

We have winter pleasures

in the middle of summer.

Here, I discovered

that those who said

"work is ennobling" were

the same men who drank all night

and ate with lovely young ladies

seated at their knees.

I've come up in the world.

Stop! I like looking at it.

- A pound of salami to finish up?

- No, leave that for the poor.

I used to think

rich people were cursed,

and that only garrets, sour soup

and potatoes can bring people joy.

But our guests had invented that

drivel about cottages being cozy.

They didn't care how much they spent,

and they felt just fine.

- Good evening.

- What are you feeding me?

- Is everything alright?

- You scoundrels want me to die.

I guess I neglected my cancer.

My liver is gone

and I no doubt have renal gravel.

Entire streets of apartment houses

are bought and sold at this hotel.

I mustn't overeat.

Even castles have been sold,

and a chateau or two.

I have a crankshaft

factory to sell.

Factories are bought and

sold here, hunting grounds,

agents have negotiated envelope

shipments for all over Europe.

A half-billion-crown loan was

negotiated here for the Balkans.

I wont go under two million.

Excuse me...

two trainloads

of munitions were sold.

And all accompanied by

champagne, oysters and young ladies.

A girl is fancied after seven,

she dazzles as you dine.

Then she promises you heaven

but when will she incline?

A man thinks. Why do I wait?

A promise is forever.

Miss, how about a private date?

The sooner we go the better.

Not just yet, in a while,

after the lights go out

in the bar.

Not just yet, in a while

let's close down another bar.

Not just yet, in a while

when were alone together.

A vow she makes

then kisses takes,

but not yet, in a while.

My bill!

The general deigned to eat,

drink, and break the following:

Three bottles of champagne,

66 crowns;

then he ordered one roast goose;

and two dozen oysters, 39 crowns;

three bottles of 1923 Beaujolais,

two turtle soups, 32 and 20 crowns;

a dozen snails, 14 crowns;

the general trampled one Moser

cut glass bowl, 169 crowns;

two pike au vin blanc, 36 crowns;

one broken water pitcher, 12 crowns;

two creams of asparagus,16 crowns;

one flag stand, 57 crowns;

one Japanese porcelain service

came in harm's way, 1,327 crowns;

one 1918 Chateau Mouton

Rothschild, 161 crowns.

And later the general ordered

and ate a whole roast cock, 20...

Enough?

Enough.

Once again I knew I had to leave.

I had to go elsewhere in order

to learn everything I needed to know.

For when I would be a millionaire

and would have my own grand hotel.

Once again Mr. Walden

recommended me and I was lucky enough

To be hired by Mr. Brandejs,

hotelier and millionaire

owner of Prague's most

beautiful hotel.

Hotel Paris was so beautiful

that I almost swooned.

My luck held, and I was placed

where I could learn the most

under the tutelage

of the maitre d', Mr. Skrivanek.

I noted that one waiter

at this gorgeous hotel

liked to pinch off a bite

when he thought no one was looking.

For some reason

he didn't seem to like me.

Move it, shrimp!

- You even speak Chinese?

- That was Korean.

- Une table.

- Un table...

- Une table, you cow!

- Un table, you cow.

Silly goose, I'm going

to take my belt to your behind.

- Une table.

- Finally!

Une chaire...

She's an idiot. Une chaire!

A 'chair' is for bending over.

- Putain.

- Putain...

Of course you know that one.

- Aujourd'hui...

- What?

Well, we have mutton heads,

calf brains,

and there's nothing

in our heads but jelly.

Wow, you idiot, how do you know?

I have a medal

from the Emperor of Ethiopia.

That patron will have

goulash or tripe soup.

That patron will have

toasted bread with no garlic.

Tea and toast, no garlic!

Learn to recognize a bilious diner.

Look at him;

his liver is probably shot too.

Sir, how do you know everything?

- How do you know?

- I served the King of England!

The king? Oh, my lord!

You served the King of England?

Who was that?

She must be from Paris.

That's a certain Julinka

from east Prague.

How can you tell?

You served the King of England...

Mr. Brandejs liked that waiter.

He thought him a credit to the place.

His ability to carry so many dishes

was nearly an acrobatic feat.

I still didn't understand.

But everyone in the trade said

that it had happened to them

the result would have been the same

because a front waiter

has only one point of honor.

And I was promoted to front waiter

under the tutelage

of the maitre d', Mr. Skfivanek.

I inherited other duties

from my predecessor as well.

What was it like

with the Ethiopian Emperor?

- You don't believe me?

- Should I?

Invite me to dinner

and tell me all about it.

Man is indestructible. He just

transforms, metamorphoses.

Every person contains

enough phosphorus

to make ten boxes of matches

and enough iron to forge a nail

to hang himself on...

Good evening.

Man is indestructible

both mentally and physically.

A person also contains

enough water

to make ten liters

of tripe soup. I'm hungry!

I can't eat this.

I can't eat this.

I guess I neglected

my cancer and I've got an ulcer.

My liver is gone

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