I Want Candy Page #2

then the guys and the girls

can start casting and budgeting

and we'll all go out for champagne

and teppanyaki.

- Are you being sarcastic?

- Yes, I am.

You do need an appointment.

I can't see your name here, Mr Clarke.

- I'm sorry.

- Well, keep looking.

Just think, they could have stopped checking at

Preparation G - they would have had nothing.

No? OK. Well, Mr Brown,

it looks like we're in trouble.

- Our appointment's not in the book.

- Are you lan Brown?

I'm Mr Brown.

I'm terribly sorry.

It's under Mr Brown's name and not yours.

- 11 o'clock to see Graham Rose?

- That's right.

- Do you want to go through?

- Yes. Thank you.

It's The Big Chill meets Remains Of The Day.

It's kind of a noir romance,

but with elements of Welles, Capra, Soderbergh.

It's a drama, but it's witty.

Classic themes, but with a contemporary edge.

Baggy, set the stage.

Night. Thunder.

Lightning. Rain.

A secluded farmhouse on the edge of town.

Our heroine walks to the door.

Hands bound, face muddied,

a haunted look in her eye.

This is the story of an enigmatic woman

who enters the lives of two people

and changes them forever.

- Enemies become friends...

- Excuse me. Excuse me.

I've got to be honest with you, Mr Brown.

I thought you were just going

to sell me some print cartridges.

That's it, Joe. I want to go home now.

Do you know how long it took

Attenborough to make Gandhi?

It took him ten, long, painful years

and we've been at it for, like,

two and a half hours.

The good news is we're not making

some boring, cry-baby movie

about a bald bloke in a nappy.

Yeah, I know it was a masterpiece,

but you get the picture.

Full steam ahead, my friend, full steam...

Bags! Bags!

It's like a sign.

It is a sign.

If you're looking for Angeline, she's next door.

I should warn you, she used to be a bloke.

No, we've come to see you,

Mr President, sir.

We're filmmakers. We've got an appointment.

Producer Joe Clarke.

This is the director, John Bagley.

We've got a very exciting project for you,

The Love Storm.

Baggy, do the pitch.

Night. Thunder. Lightning. Rain.

- Show these two wankers the door.

- No, no. Look...

I know you're a very busy man,

but we just want two minutes.

This is a great pitch.

We're talking big money, yeah?

Accolades. Awards.

All right, Tweedledee. Two minutes. Go.

Night. Thunder.

Lightning. Rain.

A secluded farmhouse on the edge of town.

This is the story of an enigmatic woman

who enters the lives of two people

and changes them forever.

Enemies become friends.

Friends become lovers.

- She was a stranger...

- Then she shagged the lot of them.

Yeah. Am I sensing there isn't enough

sex in this movie for you?

You two tadpoles come wandering in

off the street like Hansel and Gretel.

You've got chutzpah, I like that.

I give you two minutes, you never know.

You might have some girl next door

banging yard dogs.

Or a colony of midget friends

shagging each other.

You're calling it ltty Bitty Gang Bang.

Then you start talking about awards,

without one single mention

of the word "p*ssy".

Do you see that?

Now that is the only thing that gets the

Academy's juices flowing around here.

- Candy Fiveways.

- Do you know who Candy Fiveways is?

Yes. She was in I Candy 2.

- And?

- And...

It was her sexiest role yet.

"We laughed, we cried,

we tugged ourselves dry."

Listen, Candy Fiveways is the biggest

name in adult entertainment.

The patron saint of the old Nescaf handshake.

She's got three C*cks.

Golden Cockerels. The Oscars

of the adult entertainment industry.

A first-class ticket to the big time.

Now, if you had her in your film,

we could do business,

but you don't, so we can't and I'm a busy man.

Now your two minutes ended two minutes ago.

Robby, sling 'em out.

That went well. We just got a movie offer.

What?

In amongst the tough-guy stuff was a message.

"A bit of a rewrite, the right cast,

we'll make your movie."

No. No, no. No way.

No, I can't make a film like that.

Everybody started somewhere.

What's wrong with starting in erotica?

Not a chance. I can't do that.

You don't have to do that.

The actress will do that.

Baggy, don't give up on me now.

Sex does not automatically

ruin the movie.

Well, Scorsese did have to cut

nude shots into his first feature.

There you go.

They all did.

You could take porn apart, give it a heart.

Could reinvent the genre for

a cine-literate, postmodern audience.

Or you could take the The Love Storm

and pop in some shagging.

- Hello, we're home! Hi, Baggy.

- Hi, fellas. How's it going?

You missed another exciting day

at Clarke's School of Motoring.

Three passes and one fail.

- What are you watching?

- This?

It's nothing. Just some stuff for college.

Quite boring, actually.

I see. One of those old,

black-and-white foreign jobs?

- A little bit highbrow, is it?

- Yeah, something like that.

- Where's the remote?

- You had it. Find it. Make it stop.

- We like a good thriller, don't we, Valerie?

- Or a comedy. I do love that Ben Stiller.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Well, then, you wouldn't be interested in this.

This is just academic, highbrow, intellectual stuff.

Yes, that's right. Nothing like a good comedy.

We love a good laugh.

Soapy Tit Wank.

- You call this highbrow?

- Yes.

Yeah, that's...

That's a Czechoslovakian, pre-war,

monochrome, low-budget movie...

about hygiene.

The Shawshank Redemption.

Tragically overlooked by the Oscars.

American Beauty.

Well, Kevin Spacey is amazing in that.

Shaving Ryan's Privates?

Baggy, Shaving Ryan's Privates?

- Research material.

- Research material?

Do you want American Beauty and Shawshank

or just that?

No. Yeah. Of course I do.

It really is research for my script, you know,

The Love Storm.

The Love Storm?

Isn't that a psychological romance, with a girl?

Yeah, except the narrative has expanded

to accommodate a sub genre.

Genre splicing. Good idea.

Increase your potential audience.

It's more of a character piece.

So, more emotional depth?

It still doesn't explain...

It's more of a porn film.

Right, right, a porn film. You should have said.

But you don't want Shaving Ryan's Privates.

A I bit too much cock in that one.

But if you want to know about porn,

I'll tell you about porn. Come round.

Welcome to my world.

This'll be a voyage of discovery for you, boy.

- Hi, I've come to meet Miss Fiveways.

- I wish I could help, but she isn't here.

You're good. You are very good.

A Candy Fiveways film. Your address.

- Busted.

- No, we're the distribution company.

We distribute films made by other people.

You distribute?

That's excellento.

That's valuable work, distribution.

But you must know how to get hold of her.

- Do you have a number?

- We're not really supposed...

Tiffany.

Hey, it's me. It's Joe. Remember?

Hey, look, there. Look at that smile!

That smile is wasted here.

You should be in movies.

- You really think so?

- Yeah.

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