I Want Candy Page #3

Come on. How about that number?

I'm not really supposed to, but...

we do have a number here for...

Fiveways International.

This is it.

Tiffany?

Without you, this company would sink

without a trace and you know it.

Love you, Tiffany Thomas.

And I love you...

Joe Clarke.

Fiveways International. Clive Purves.

Hello there, Clive. Tell me,

do you handle Candy Fiveways?

- Yes, we do.

- Excellent!

I'm a film producer, making a film and...

Well, how do I put this?

I want Candy.

Well, let me see. Candy Fiveways...

Yeah.

She's available. Do you want single entry,

double entry or the full executive?

- As in?

- Well, sir, the more you spend,

the more positions are possible.

I mean, she does it all, but for a price.

Yes, silly of me. I don't think we should

limit ourselves at this stage.

- How much for the full executive?

- Let me see. Full executive...

250 plus VAT.

So, it's that easy?

Tell me, what's she like?

Well, she's got blonde hair,

red lips,

a nice bum.

Is she smart? You know, funny?

She's a doll.

Yeah.

I hear you.

Adult entertainment, erotica, blue movies,

you can call it what you want.

Essentially, all porno is exactly the same.

It's boy meets girl. They kiss.

She smokes a little cock, he eats

some hairy pie and then they have sex.

Vaginal first. Romance is not dead.

Then, one up the bum,

no harm done, then more oral.

I don't make the rules. It happens.

Finally, bukkake. She's left embarrassed.

Egg on her face, so to speak.

- Yeah, well, I want to change all that.

- Two pounds, love. You'll enjoy that.

So you want him to come on her first?

How will that work?

You don't understand

the basics of pornography.

It's not based on the same criteria

as regular films.

If someone rents a normal movie,

watches it for ten minutes, switches it off,

it means it was sh*t.

With pornography, quite the reverse.

It means job done.

I want to make the first adult movie

where people want to watch to the end.

They'll tug themselves numb!

But, if you can do it, you'll have

changed the way people think

of gentlemen's special-interest cinema.

If anyone can do it, you can, mate.

One more thing, Baggy.

There's a saying in show business,

"Never work with children or animals."

Nowhere is that truer than porno.

"The sharpest sword cuts silk, not stone."

"The warrior must live like he's already dead."

Come.

Mr Perry,

I know you're a very busy man,

so I won't take up a second of your time.

- I've got Candy.

- Bollocks.

For The Love Storm.

You said if I could get Candy Fiveways.

Well, I've got her.

I spoke to her management.

Discussed terms. Agreed a deal.

Bollocks you have!

Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right.

I've had the people at Bell End Pictures

on the phone.

Probably more their sort of thing, anyway.

Robby, get Mr Clarke a chair.

You've got Candy?

Her agents drove quite a hard bargain,

but, yeah, everyone's happy.

She's very excited. I'm very excited.

Well, well, well.

Doughnut?

Congratulations, Joe.

I'm a difficult man to impress.

I look forward to working with Miss Fiveways.

And I'm sure Miss Fiveways is looking

forward to working with you again.

- Robby!

- You've worked with her before?

Yeah. You're a producer. You know

it's all about keeping plates in the air.

We did experience a few minor difficulties

with her on our last production.

Cash flow. You know the sort of thing.

I bear no grudge, but I do think it would

be best if our involvement was limited

to our subsidiary film-developing arm.

Big Bang Pictures.

- Big Bang Pictures?

- Yeah, Big Bang Pictures.

Think of us as a silent partner.

"Silent" being the operative word.

No-one hears about this deal. Understand?

What deal?

I do not understand. Why would...

Hi, guys. What's the haps?

Can we have a little chat?

We make a film, a political allegory.

The chicken, he represent

the suffering of the flightless masses

and the sky, she represent the hope.

- And the balloons?

- It's Gabi's birthday.

- Hi.

- So I hear you get money for The Love Storm.

You top-student, filmmaker guys.

And you, top sound, camera, lighting guys.

Listen, we're going to need a crew.

Chicken!

- Brilliant. Are you in?

- No.

Sorry, no.

The cinema is like a window to the soul.

For us to make a commercial film

would be to ask big-time chef

to make chicken nuggets.

We make chicken in a basket.

Fair enough.

It's not your sort of thing, anyway.

There will be some girls in it and nudity.

Imagine shooting that first scene.

She's walking towards you.

Long hair cascades down,

staring right into your eyes.

Swinging hips,

fertile, with all of a woman's promise.

Then, she leans forward

and just whispers in your ear...

"It's time for your bed bath."

Her crisp, white nurse's uniform

can barely contain her...

heaving breasts.

She wants you.

She wants you.

- But we'll find someone else.

- No, no, we will do it.

- Your chicken's getting away.

- Hey!

OK, people.

Everyone ready? Everyone excited?

If a member of staff so much as

glances our way, what's the signal?

Right. Then we get rid of anything that doesn't

look like a Ukrainian art-house audition.

Like the girls with their boobies out?

For God's sake, Lila.

Grow up. We're making a film here.

I know Baggy is, but you're

awfully excited about this casting thing.

I can't help thinking it's the boobies.

Hey, I'm realising a dream here.

I was staring at a life in the suburbs,

working for my dad,

with nothing to show for myself

except crippling mediocrity,

failed ambitions and the overwhelming desire

to have a bath with a toaster.

And now, now, we're all actually

making the movie

that is going to get us out of Leatherhead

and into the big time.

That is why I'm excited, Lila, OK?

That and the boobies.

You have never known what it is to be happy.

But wait.

Uncle Vanya, wait!

We shall rest.

That's great, Lucy, really, really great.

We'll be in touch.

Sorry. Baggy, didn't you have something else

to ask Lucy?

What? No. No.

That's all for today. Thank you, Lucy.

Hang on. Sorry.

Don't you need to see her without...?

No. No.

- Yes. You definitely said...

- No, I didn't.

Definitely didn't. It's not the kind of thing I'd say.

- Joe, maybe you should.

- Where's my pen?

Thank you, Lucy. That's all we need.

We'll be in touch.

OK, so you don't want to see my tits, then?

- That won't be necessary.

- That would be great.

- Won't be necessary.

- We'd love to.

# Shake what your mama gave ya,

left, right and back, back

# Shake what your mama gave ya,

shake what your mama gave ya

# Shake what your mama gave ya,

left, right and back, back

# Shake what your mama gave ya,

shake what your mama gave ya

# Shake what your mama gave ya

Atten-shun!

Left! Right!

Left! Right!

Left, right! Left, right!

Left, right! Left, right! Left, right! Left, right!

I think about what might have been,

but the Jezebel packed her bags...

and went away

and I've never been the same again

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