I Want Candy Page #4

since that summer.

Thank you...

Carl, that was, that'll be all.

Excuse me.

Carl, that was a very brave performance.

I know.

I wrote it myself.

It's just about this really,

really emotional time in my life.

I like to draw on everything I can to make

my acting as deep and as real as it can be.

- Could we see you without your shirt on?

- Absolutely.

Thank you, Carl.

Very nice.

- Joe?

- Yeah. No.

Sorry, mate, you're not really...

- We're looking for something different.

- Great. We'll be in touch.

Yeah?

- Great.

- Great.

Great.

Next!

# Way down deep in the middle of the Congo

# A hippo took an apricot,

a guava and a mango

# He stuck 'em with the others

and danced a dainty tango

# The rhino said,

"I know, we'll call it Um Bongo"

# Um Bongo, Um Bongo,

they drink it in the Congo

# Um Bongo, Um Bongo

# They drink it in the Congo

That's great. We'll be in touch.

Did you like it?

Great choice. It's very powerful, very now.

I made a shield.

I love the shield.

Well, that was some of our best moves.

We've set the standard.

That's a very unusual audition piece, Mai Ling.

You can roll me around like a choo-choo train.

The Ping-Pong balls are the steam.

You want even better? I go get peach.

# Shake what your mama gave ya,

left, right and back, back

# Shake, shake, shake,

shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

All right, what the hell's going on

and who the hell are you?

Lila Owens.

It's a huge honour.

These two have told me so much about you.

You're a bit of a hero to them.

They admire your ability

to deconstruct modern cinema.

Really?

Well, "hero" is a big word.

I'm just a guy doing his job.

Good job, guys.

Continuez-vous.

# Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake,

shake, shake, shake, shake

# Shake, shake, shake,

shake what your mama gave ya

Why don't you roll back on in this way?

She's fine, son.

Leave her be, yeah? Leave her be.

OK, good. Then this is our cast.

- What about Candy?

- You said she'd be here.

I have to sort out costumes.

We haven't even got a location yet.

Come on. She said she will be here.

She will be here.

Package for Joe Clarke.

Yeah, over here. Lila, let me tell you something.

Not only have I negotiated a fantastic deal

with her representative

at Fiveways International,

but he also assured me

that she would be here any time now.

So, how's about you trot along

and production manage a place for her to relax,

while I prepare myself for the imminent arrival

of one of the most beautiful women

in the world?

Yeah?

I think she's just arrived.

No.

Wow. I'm in shock.

She looks taller on film, don't you think?

You're in shock? Look at her.

Joe! Do you think this is funny?

No. No.

I don't. I'm just saying that...

Look, hey, I'm a producer, yeah?

So, I'm going to step up and produce.

There's always problems on a movie shoot.

Everything'll be fine.

We saw loads of people today

who will be just as good as Candy Fiveways.

Come on, yeah? Let's cheer up, shall we?

You, with your little down face. Come on!

Hello. What's this?

It's Miss Candy Fiveways. Hello.

Look at your pretty chops.

Hello! Mr Bagley.

Look at her.

Hello.

Miss Owens. Oh, my God,

I'm hot for some lezza action right now.

It's OK.

Joe! Stop it!

Joe, stop!

- Seriously, Joe...

- Yeah?

Our investors are expecting

a Candy Fiveways film

- and you've provided them with a blow-up doll.

- Lila.

Sweetheart, it's going to be fine.

We've got a great cast.

Just leave the money to me, OK?

Many people think the butterfly suffers,

but the chloroform dulls its senses

and it feels nothing.

This way, it won't struggle

when the pin punctures its body.

So, how's my film?

The film? It's great. Yeah. Fully prepped.

Friends become enemies and

enemies have sex with each other.

And our star?

Candy? She's great.

She can't wait to get started.

I find that very surprising.

That's all water under the bridge.

We're thick as thieves, these days.

That's wonderful news.

I find it surprising, Doug,

because she's taking a break from films

to promote some book she's written.

She fancies herself as an author. She's in town

doing book signings at this moment.

You should probably give her a call, Doug.

No, there's no need, Mr De Vere.

I've been on the phone to her all week.

She's very excited.

We're very excited. Aren't we?

That's very good, because I paid you

for a Candy Fiveways film

and I expect you to deliver.

Yeah, this is the place.

Don't look much of a film company.

- Are you Mr Dulberg?

- Guilty as charged.

I'm looking for Joe Clarke.

The lady at the desk said to talk to you.

Right. Yeah, Joe's one of my students.

Not in at the moment. Probably gone home.

Sorry, you are?

I'm his dad. This is his brother.

Right, well, great kid.

A lot of fun. Well done, you.

We were hanging out in the rehearsal

room earlier, having a right laugh.

Always got something to say.

Can't shut him up.

Well, I'll see if I can shut him up for you.

What's his address again?

I thought Joe lived at home with you

and Mrs Clarke.

Yeah, of course he does. Where's that?

- What?

- What?

You don't know where you live?

We both know I know where I live,

but do you know where I live?

Well, I can't just give out students' addresses.

We have the old student-teacher

bond of trust, yawn, but...

But it's not his address, is it? It's my address.

Surely you can give me my address?

Hello. Can I help you?

Mr Clarke?

I'm Mr Dulberg, Joe's teacher from college.

Right. Well, it's a bit late, Mr Dulberg.

No trouble with Joe, I trust?

- Joe? No, no, good as gold.

- You've just missed him.

He won't be back for a while.

I'll tell him you called.

No, don't put yourself out on my account. I'll wait.

There he is!

I was telling Valerie and Stephen

what a Jack-the-lad you were at college.

Mr Dulberg here has been waiting

for over an hour.

Mr Dulberg?

Yes. He very kindly dropped by to...

What exactly did you drop by for?

I would very much like to talk it out with you,

one to one.

Show Valerie and Stephen into

the dining room, would you, Robby?

- You want us in the dining room?

- Please.

Got any Wagon Wheels?

Nice suit.

Mr Perry, whatever deal we have is between us,

so leave my parents out of it.

Joe, as the executive partner of our film,

I've dropped round to double-check

a couple of things before we start rolling.

Chiefly, whether you do, indeed, have Candy,

as you say.

- Any particular reason?

- We've got a little issue with our investor.

He's not as easy-going as I am.

He's what we, in the trade, call "an evil bastard".

If he thought you'd been spending

his ill-gotten gains on flash suits and hair gel,

let's just say he'll find you and your friend...

Baggy, is it?

Well, that's...

That's lucky, then, because we've got her.

Yep.

Rest assured, she is signed,

sealed and delivered.

How long have you been working

at the college?

I don't work at the college.

We thought you were an associate

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