I Want Candy Page #5

of Mr Dulberg's.

I only just met him. I don't know Mr Dulberg.

- Why are you here, then?

- I don't know.

- Ask Doug.

- Who's Doug?

I don't know!

More 'Bena?

I spoke to her this morning, actually,

and she's really looking forward to it.

Jets in tomorrow from LA.

No more bullshit!

She's in London, promoting her poncy book.

Now, you promised me a Candy Fiveways film.

I've promised our investor a Candy Fiveways

film. And that's what we're going to get.

- Or?

- Or I'I kill you.

Can I come in now?

You little monkey.

What am I going to do with you?

Now, look, Mr Dulberg, we'd like to

know what the blue blazes is going on.

Keep your knickers on. Our job is done here.

Valerie, now, you've got a great kid here,

good as gold.

Always brings me an apple,

stays late to wipe the blackboard

and doesn't f*** about too much.

I'm covering the visual event, Mr Dulberg.

I'm on it.

Don't worry. We'll see ourselves out.

Bye, Robby.

He's a bit eccentric,

but he's a bloody good teacher.

How are we going to recognise her? Think she

looks like the doll? Shall we stick a pin in her?

Stop being so negative, Bags.

She'll be the one signing the books.

We'll approach her directly this time,

skip the agent. Trust me, I'm a producer.

She's the one signing the books.

OK, there are minders either side of her...

# Yes!

Bags?

- Come back...

- Well, this is lovely. Thanks for inviting me.

- You do know how to charm a lady.

- Lila, I need your help.

I'm in a shitload of trouble.

- Hi. What's your name?

- Sam.

Sam?

- Did you enjoy the film?

- Yeah.

I've probably watched it about

a hundred, a hundred and fifty times.

I've nearly worn out the disc.

Well...

Play it again, Sam.

OK, I will.

Could you make it out to my wife?

Her name's Dave.

That was a misquote from Casablanca.

I don't know if I can look at you.

- Yes, I can.

- My, a punter with a brain.

- "It's my second favourite organ."

- Woody Allen's Sleeper.

I knew it was a misquote, by the way.

- Yeah. Sure. Of course you did.

- I did!

Well, as Oscar Wilde once said, "Whatever."

I can't believe you've got us making

a porno for a bunch of gangsters.

This is unbelievable, even by your standards.

What are you going to tell Baggy?

You can't tell him, Lila. You know what he's like.

He'll freak out. He'll crumble.

He's a stammering wreck at the best of times.

You're out of your mind, Fiveways.

It must be the heat.

And you call yourself a film buff?

You're clearly insane. I should call security.

I'm sorry. Mission To Moscow was

never as good as Citizens On Patrol.

Miss Fiveways, the queue.

Sorry. Duty calls.

You want me to sign this?

I want you to read it. I wrote it for you.

Well, I'm on sabbatical.

No porn films till next year. Publisher's orders.

Don't think of it as a porn film.

Think of it as a film

with scenes of an adult nature.

- Please, just read it, yeah?

- OK.

Cheers.

Hello. I came here from Dsseldorf to see you.

Please write as follows.

"To Rudi. Last night was unglaublich.

You have the greatest balls in Germany."

OK.

Yes, I know. OK, I'm an idiot,

but I don't want to die.

Just give them their money back. Forget the

whole thing. You've still got the money, right?

- Right?

- What?

You don't have the money, do you?

The suit, the watch, the mobile.

The blow-up doll I thought was an actress.

- You're not taking this seriously.

- I am. I promise.

- That's for lying to us.

- I'm sorry and I was wrong. Again.

- For letting down your best friend.

- Deserves more than that. One more.

- One more.

- No.

- You're enjoying it, you pervert!

- I am, yeah.

- Dirty...

- Hi, guys. What's happening?

- Hi, Baggy. We were just chatting.

- Chatting.

Yeah, I spoke to Candy. I gave her the script.

You? Really?

She's reading it. She's going to call us.

That's it. She's not going to call.

She hates the script. We might as well give up.

Well, on the plus side,

I've found us a new location.

That's brilliant, Liles.

Great. What shall we use it for?

A massive party? A bring-and-buy sale?

A charity sales-a-thon?

Hello. Hi.

Yeah. They're, they're called...

- Big Bang Pictures.

- Big Bang Pictures of Soho.

A high-end, professional production outfit.

OK. OK.

Yeah, that sounds, that sounds reasonable.

OK.

Bye. Bye-bye.

What happened?

A busy day as a top director is what happened.

- What did she say?

- She read it.

She likes it. She'll meet us tomorrow.

Take the library books back before nine

or there's a surcharge.

Don't forget Joe's trousers.

Jeepers Creepers! It's 7:34.

Time to slip into gear, Valerie.

Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.

- Come on, love.

- Have a good day at college, darling.

Have a great day.

Morning, Liles.

We can't be late. Where are we going?

Yes. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that.

Morning, Bagster. You all right?

All set for the big day?

Cristi.

- Looking good.

- Thank you.

Liles, focus. Location.

Where are we going to go?

Just try and keep an open mind.

Hello, Joe.

- It's here, innit?

- Hiya.

No. No way. I'm not...

No sets to build, no location fees.

You can set your watch by your parents' routine.

They'll have no idea.

I'm going to kill you.

Joe, I need to talk to you. In private.

- Can we go upstairs, please?

- Hold on.

This could be the moment

we've been waiting for.

I didn't sleep last night.

Can we discuss this? This is important.

Fasten your seat belts, Bagster.

The Fiveways has landed.

Oh, my God.

# Yes

# Yeah

- Hi.

- Miss Fiveways, Joe Clarke, producer.

Hi, Joe. Nice to meet you.

Welcome.

- Should we go in?

- Go inside?

Thank you.

Morning, Mr Rogers. Lovely day for it.

So...

this is Sound Stage 1.

It's compact, but it's efficient.

Make-up's on the mezzanine level.

- And these are two of our talented cast.

- Hi.

- And catering's towards the rear.

- Hi.

- Let me show you to the beverage counter.

- Baggy? Baggy, are you OK?

No, I'm not. This whole thing's not going to work.

The character motivation is not fully developed.

The second act through-line is weak.

The subplots are underwritten.

- Just calm down.

- I want this to stop. It's stopped. I've stopped it.

- Come on.

- The script...

May I introduce you to three of the hottest

creative technicians in the business?

This is Gabi, our sound recordist.

He's big news in Poland.

This is Cristi, cinematographer.

He's award-winning, multi-talented.

And this is Vlad, our lighting technician.

- Sorry.

- Where's John?

Baggy?

He must be fine-tuning the script.

Come on, Baggy, just relax.

Sex is the most natural thing in the world.

I'm trying, Lila. I just can't.

- It's not hard, Baggy.

- I know. I know.

Baggy, it isn't hard and I know you can do it.

I just feel so inadequate.

- It's not hard.

- I know. I know. I'm sorry.

Back in a sec.

- Baggy, come on.

- I'm all out of juice.

You just need to take yourself in hand.

...say this is the way in...

Baggs, you have got to snap out of it.

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