I Want Candy Page #6

How long have we wanted this?

There is an actress downstairs,

who'll think we're the biggest bunch

of amateurs ever.

She's going to walk any second

unless we do something.

- Is there anything wrong?

- Candy.

Hello. No. Just having a...

- It's a budget meeting.

- Listen, we need to talk.

I can see you've put a lot

into setting up this film.

I mean, it's pretty impressive

for a bunch of film students

working on a shoestring budget

with little or no experience.

And it can't be easy shooting

in your parents' house while they're at work.

But I'm here because

this is a great script that deserves to be made.

So, I'd like for you all to leave now,

so that I can speak with my director.

- That's first-night nerves. He'll be fine.

- Alone.

We'll be outside.

I'm sorry. I'm a failure.

"I give failures a bad name."

It's time you stopped quoting

other people's films, John.

And start quoting from The Love Storm.

John, this is your big chance.

You don't understand.

You think Fellini never doubted himself?

You think Spielberg was never scared?

We were all first-timers once, Baggy,

Fellini, Spielberg...

- Micklewhite.

- Yeah.

- Who?

- Alice Micklewhite.

Bottom-of-the-class Alice,

pigtails-and-freckles Alice.

Me.

So where did "Candy Fiveways" come from?

Haven't you ever played the

"what's your porn-star name" game?

You take the name of your first pet

and the street you grew up on.

Candy was this horrible cat,

but I loved her.

And I grew up on the corner

of this busy intersection, Fiveways.

- "Candy Fiveways."

- So it is just a made-up name?

There aren't really five ways?

I've got so much to teach you.

# Hello there, everybody

The Love Storm.

Slate one. Scene one. Take one.

- Camera set.

- Action.

# Action

# Come on

# Action

# Action

# I want to see all the birds on the floor

# I want some action in the morning

Even the way she walks is sexy.

# I want some action with you

Hello. Can I help you?

I need someone to please undo these...

Cut!

Can we do that again

without the old guy, please?

Take two.

- OK. Camera set.

- Action.

What do you think she did to Baggy up there?

By the looks of him,

I'd say she did all five ways.

All five?

"Hello. Can I help you?"

I need someone to please help me.

- But I, but I've never met...

- Cut!

Lila, go and talk to our friend, please?

Sorry, we're just trying to make a film over there.

Would you mind...?

Action.

Hello.

- Can I help you?

- I need someone to please undo these.

But this is the first time

I've met you in my entire life.

But I need you.

In that case, you'd better come inside.

Cut! Fantastic.

Thank you, sir. How much are these?

# Bow-wow wow-wow

# If you treat me like a dog

# Then I'll just get down on all fours

and bark and howl all night

# I don't need no behavioural psychologist

# If you treat me like a dog

# Then I'll just get down on all fours

and bark and howl all night

# Talking Rin Tin Tin or Lassie with a twist

Apparently, it was some kind of localised

power surge. The college wasn't affected.

It'll be Mr Harper at No.12

with his industrial strimmer.

I know. I know. He's so selfish.

Damn you, Mr Harper!

# Hello, there, everybody

# Action

# Party, party

# Come on, love

# Yeah

# Action

# Swing them luggies, all right?

# Action

# Come on

# Action

# Action

# I want to see all the birds on the floor

# I want some action in the morning

That's mine!

Miss Fiveways, sorry, can I have a quick word?

All things considered, I think you know

me well enough to call me Candy.

Candy.

I just wanted to...

I just wanted to thank you

for "helping" Baggy the other day.

- It's my pleasure.

- Was it?

Was it?

Because...

you know, we all need

a little bit of help, once in a while.

Thank God!

You don't know how long

I've waited to hear you say that.

Really?

I really want you.

This is...

That is amazing!

Go on, go on, teach me.

Yeah, show me the fifth way.

OK.

So, Baggy, what am I supposed

to be feeling in this scene?

When you come in, you should be like,

"Whoa, what's going on?"

But don't say it.

Do it with your eyes, like, "Whoa."

Joe?

What are you doing?

- Candy. I'm waiting for Candy.

- What?

She's going to show me the fifth way.

- Really?

- Yeah.

She said I needed to be fully lubed up.

I couldn't find any baby oil,

so I used a little bit of butter

and she said that's even better, so...

- Wow! You're a natural.

- Yeah.

It's actually going to happen, Liles.

A film-star woman!

Jessica Rabbit.

Jessica Rabbit went home 20 minutes ago.

She's done for the day.

Pardon?

Yeah. I think she's messing with you.

No. No. Cos...

She meant it. I could tell. She was really...

I don't know, she was sexy.

She meant it.

Well,

seeing as we're alone

and you're all greased up,

it seems a shame to let you go to waste.

I want you.

God, Joe, I want you.

Really?

No. Just messing with you.

No, I've mentioned hoover bags,

Yes. We need some more cleaning

tablets for the dishwasher.

I'm sure we had a full tub of this yesterday.

Dad!

It's...

It's 7:
34. Shouldn't you be slipping into gear?

"Mirror, signal, manoeuvre."

Someone wants us out of the way

so they can get on with their special film.

Yes. Your mother and I are very

excited about it. We can't wait to see it.

You want to see it?

Well, of course we want to see it.

It's your two-minute masterpiece, innit?

We can't wait to see what you've come up with

for your college film.

Shooting it today.

OK, guys, this is going to be the

two-minute film short for Mr Dulberg.

Take one.

- Cut.

- Sorry. Sorry.

- Yeah. Hello.

- One more week, then you deliver.

OK, Mum. That's, that's not a problem.

Well, if you don't, I'm going to find you

and then, if I find you, I'm going to kill you.

That sounds great.

- Looking forward to it. Can't wait.

- Yeah. I bet you can't.

Baby. Sweetness.

- See you soon.

- OK.

Yeah, I'll see you soon.

Love you.

Yeah, I love you, too. All right.

Bye. Bye.

- Everything all right?

- It's fine. It's all fine.

She's a super lady.

- Turn it off.

- OK.

Again.

Candy, are you happy?

Happy.

Carl, are you ready?

I was born ready.

Wow.

- Scene...

- Wait! Wait. Wait.

Scene 23. Take one.

And action.

My wife thinks I should ask you to stay.

- Are you going to?

- I haven't decided yet.

- What do you think?

- Depends.

How good are you with rejection?

Lila, could we have some Wet Wipes

over here, please?

Take two.

Just a couple more minutes.

Maybe.

Take six.

Come on, Carlito. Wake up, little man.

Up. Rise.

Take seven.

Maybe this'll help.

I don't even remember seeing that

on the props list.

Joe, that's not one of our props.

She just got that out of the drawer.

What?

Well, why would there be a vibrator

in my parents'...?

God, no! No, no, no, no!

Cut! Cut! Cut!

That is disgusting!

Hey, morning, Joe!

# I know a girl who's tough but sweet

# She's so fine, she can't be beat

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