I Want Candy Page #7

# Got everything that I desire

# Sets the summer sun on fire

# I want Candy

# I want Candy

It's delicious.

# Oughta see her with her hair hung down

# Ain't no finer girl in town

# Candy's just what the doctor ordered

# She's so sweet, she makes my mouth water

# I want Candy

# I want...

- Are you sure it's all right?

- Three cancellations in one day, Val?

I think somebody up there is ordering us

to take a little much-needed R&R.

Stephen. You're a bad boy.

And action.

- Do you love him?

- How am I meant to know?

You feel his breath on your neck,

and your skin reaches for his touch.

He brushes your arm

and his fingerprint tingles for a minute.

You can't close your eyes without seeing him.

But you wouldn't change a thing,

because everything's brighter

than it was a week ago.

Sh*t. Everybody, back door!

I didn't agree to that.

Don't cut. And, Candy, pick up that line from...

"and you churn".

No! No! My parents are here.

Everyone, we have to go now.

- Now!

- Ten seconds. Go.

While we've got the house to ourselves, why

don't you give me some special driving lessons?

You do need some help

with your parallel parking.

Here, hold this.

It tickles.

Afternoon, Mr Rogers. Nice day for it.

...everything's brighter than it was a week ago.

- We've got it. Cut.

- Go! Go! Go, go! Go, go, go!

We're going!

- Get out! Get out!

- Run! Run!

- You're coming with me, Mrs Clarke.

- Meow, Mr Clarke!

We need a little music.

There.

I think if I just undo this little thing here,

and take this down here.

Hello, Joe. Why have your parents...?

Stephen.

Your whole family want to be in the porn star.

Doctor...

- Doctor!

- Doctor?

- I'm going to lick you like a stamp.

- That's right.

- Give me your shirt.

- I'm going to flip you over like a pancake.

Trousers, too. Trousers!

We need to make a rope.

Now, how about if I...

Come on, help me.

- No.

- Not even if I do this?

Who's your driving instructor?

- Who's your driving instructor?

- Hold that end. Hold it tight, OK?

You, Daddy! You!

Your mum is a dirty vixen!

It's no good. I can't wait any longer. I'm bursting.

Hold it in. Do the breathing.

No, is no good. Is coming.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait.

Thank God.

Whoops.

Mum. We didn't hear you come home.

This is Vlad.

Plumber.

Just popped in to fix the toilet.

I didn't know it was broken.

It's not any more. He's a very good plumber.

- Do you want me to show you out?

- Yes.

- OK, it's just this way.

- Thank you.

Dad, Vlad. Vlad, Dad.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Love Storm.

The Love Storm!

Joe, wrong one.

No, it's not that. That is...

That's the second-best film ever made.

That's two minutes of teacher-pleasing magic.

But this, this is, without doubt,

the most intelligent, moving,

and downright-horny little adult film

that Lila has ever seen.

That's saying something,

because she's a dirty little monkey.

So, here's to you guys,

the wonderful cast and crew of The Love Storm.

- Thanks, everybody.

- The Love Storm!

The Love Storm.

- Candy, I want to tell you that I...

- I know.

Greetings, fellow pornographers.

We having a party, are we? Very nice.

- What the hell are you doing here?

- It's been a long time.

Honestly, woman,

you don't phone, you don't write.

I don't know what's going on here, but...

- What is going on here?

- All right, Van Damme, calm down.

What? A new admirer, is it?

Yeah, he's very cute.

Can't I have a drink with my leading lady?

Wishful thinking, but my agent already told you.

- I don't work for low-rent pimps like you.

- But, sweetheart, you just did.

Joe, what a pickle we've caused

with our little deception.

- Joe, what?

- You bastard. I trusted you.

I trusted you.

Time of the month, is it?

Lads? Yes? No?

Suit yourselves.

Now...

- Where's my film?

- No way. We had a deal, silent partners.

- This is our film. This is Baggy's film.

- We've got a contract and it's my film.

There you go. Take it.

Baggy, what?

It's over, Joe. Forget it. This is all bullshit.

- Good luck with the screening.

- But...

Trouble in paradise?

You know what, Joe?

You remind me of me when I was your age.

Except I didn't make so many cock-ups

and I was a little better-looking.

And I wasn't such a twat.

Is yours on soon?

- Where's Baggy?

- I don't know. I haven't seen him.

Yeah, big up Diego Meriachi.

Where are you, buddy?

There he is. Respect is due, brother.

Radical stuff.

OK, next up,

and a highly-anticipated collaboration.

John Bagley and Joe Clarke.

This one has been shrouded in mystery,

so I guess we're looking at

a world premiere, here, folks.

What do you say we kick back and enjoy

Uncovering The Language Of A Visual Event.

- Baggy!

- Joe, I had to come and speak to you.

No, I know. It's been tough.

Doug, Candy, Lila, it's my fault.

I switched the films.

I had to see it on a big screen.

- What?

- Yeah.

That looks like our house.

It is our house!

Joe didn't tell us he was using...

Hello. Can I help you?

I need someone to please undo these.

Please let me in.

The sound isn't very good,

but picture quality is better than I expected.

I think you're going to be impressed,

Mr De Vere.

It's different from our usual product.

It's got heart. It's got soul.

It's got a pile of hard-earned cash resting on it,

so shut up and put it on.

You're a dead man.

Maybe this'll help.

Bend over.

- Oi! Where's my porno?

- Doug.

No way!

- Holy sh*t!

- Will you shut up?

- Not bad.

- You're not wrong there, Robby.

What was she doing with that pear?

- Joe, Joe, congratulations. What a premiere!

- Joe, could we have a word?

- Joe, what...

- Good, Mr Clarke, a quick chat.

Mr Dulberg, I think we need to talk.

Excuse me. I'd like a word with Joe's...

- Teacher.

- Dad.

- I'm Joe's teacher.

- I'm Joe's dad.

- This is Joe's dad.

- This is Joe's teacher.

- Mr Clarke?

- Mr Dulberg?

Who is this man?

Listen, I am telling you, I am Joe's father.

I did come here

with the express purpose of killing you,

but, seeing as you produced a work

of such outstanding quality,

and I'll probably have to stand in line

for the privilege, I'm going to leave you to it.

But Mr Dulberg came to my house.

Rewind. I've never been to your house in my life.

Right.

- How dare you use our house...

- You think you're pretty clever.

...your mother's in a state.

...a stunt like this.

- She's talking about Florida.

- Stephen.

You, the pair of you,

can forget about your diplomas.

You can forget about coming back to class.

That...

That was totally uncool, guys.

It's good. It's really very good.

And you made this yourself?

You're a dark horse, Douglas.

I think we might be in the running

for a Golden Cockerel.

A Cock? What, for me?

I mean, for us?

And the winners are...

Michael De Vere and Douglas Perry.

You keep this up, Doug,

and I might actually start to like you.

It's my best work.

- You made a great film.

- For a bunch of gangsters.

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