I Want Candy Page #8

You humiliated me. I've lost Candy.

I got thrown out of college.

Bags, who cares about college?

We made a movie!

You don't know how lucky you are.

You were born with talent.

I'd kill for an ounce of it.

Listen, Baggy, I've been thinking.

We should start a new film.

I'll get the money, from a safe place this time.

- We'll call up Candy and...

- Stop, Joe. Just stop. Please.

Look at me.

I'm John Bagley from Leatherhead.

We had an excellent adventure,

more than some people have in a whole lifetime,

but it wasn't real.

- I'm not talented. They hated it.

- They didn't hate it.

- Leave me alone.

- They were shocked,

because it was a dirty movie.

But it was a great dirty movie!

You got it right! Bags!

She would not sink with those, huh?

Wow!

- It's The Love Storm!

- The Love Storm!

We'd better tell Joe.

- Go and tell Joe.

- Quick.

We too would like to speak with Joe,

please. Now.

- I'm sorry?

- The bad man want Joe's Cock.

What did you say?

The bad man, OK, he want

Joe's, Joe's Cock.

No. No, no, no. You saying it wrong.

Let me explain it, please.

Your son, Joe,

all his life, he dream of Cock.

He talk about it all of the time.

- "Cock, Cock, Cock. I want Cock."

- "I have to have Cock all to myself."

But the bad man, he want Joe's Cock.

And he is taking Joe's Cock tonight.

Joe! Come here!

His mother and I, we've always had

a bad feeling about all this.

- What's going on?

- For you.

Best film nomination: The Love Storm.

Directed by Doug Perry.

Produced by Michael De Vere.

- He's a bastard.

- More of this stuff, Joe? Why?

Look, Dad, listen, it's fine. I'll bin it. Don't worry.

No. Hold on, hold on. I mean,

much as I keenly disapprove of what you did,

I have to admit that your film did have a certain...

Yeah, it did, didn't it?

Now, you know I'm not a fan

of this kind of thing,

but it seems to me, you have to get up

to London and reclaim your film.

Here. Take the Mondeo.

Guys, I'm going to need you. OK?

Thank you.

Lila, I really need your help.

Do you know what? Forget that.

Baggy needs your help.

- I've told you already. I'm not interested.

- He say that you would said this.

And he said he have a special message for

you that it is all set and he have this big plan.

Yeah, yeah. I love his big plans.

Love his big plans.

We can have the Cock. Mr Baggy!

- Baggy!

- Baggy!

It's great to see you. All right?

We'll speak soon. Personally, I love the jacket.

Amazing.

- Hi, Joe.

- You look fantastic.

Where's Baggy? Why isn't he here yet?

- Joe! Joe!

- Lila.

Lila!

He not make it.

I'm sorry, Lila, but we fail.

Baggy, he say, no.

He not want Joe's Cock.

You don't understand, Vlad.

This is for him. We're here for him.

It's my fault, all of this.

I'm going to make it right.

Right now.

Candy! Candy! Candy!

- Hey.

- What do you want?

- Leave me alone.

- Please, hear me out.

I'm sorry for what happened.

I shouldn't have lied to you.

Well, if you're here to pick up an award,

you're out of luck.

Looks like you got screwed, too.

I don't care about the awards, Candy.

I'm here because of Baggy.

I had to let you know.

He didn't know anything about Doug Perry.

I lied to him too. I'm not asking you to forgive me,

but you have to forgive him.

Look, I was an idiot for getting involved

with you guys in the first place.

You're just kids. We're from different worlds.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the Fifteenth annual

Golden Cockerel Awards.

The ultimate recognition of achievement

in adult-oriented entertainment.

So, please take your seats

and I'd watch where you sit,

as we honour

this year's outstanding individuals.

So, saw The Love Storm.

Got to say, I loved it, very impressed.

Watched it beginning to end. I'm a little sore.

Yeah, well, it's a porno.

It's not proper filmmaking.

You made a great film.

What's wrong with getting your start in erotica?

My customers think it's a masterpiece.

I'm serious. They love it. Can't get enough.

The story, the characters,

the classic denouement

and there are some very good dirty bits.

You know what they say,

sex is only dirty if you're doing it right.

Presenting our Best Film Award this evening,

please welcome on stage

the divine, the delightful,

the delicious Miss Candy Fiveways!

Thank you, everyone,

and thank you for coming.

It's an honour to be here with you tonight.

The nominees for best film are:

We All Know Who You Did Last Summer.

There's Something Up Mary.

Ram Raiders Of The Lost Park.

And...

The Love Storm.

Yes.

Yes!

And the winner is...

- The Love Storm.

- Yes!

Yes!

Produced by Joe Clarke

and directed by John Bagley.

Congratulations to the real team

behind The Love Storm!

Thank you, everyone.

Thank you.

This is a...

This is a fantastic award.

It's a really...

It's a really chunky prize.

But...

It belongs to someone who can't be

with us tonight, unfortunately.

But, nevertheless,

this stands as real, concrete,

undeniable proof

of the talent behind the camera.

And that's a guy...

And that's a guy called John Bagley.

Please, you're embarrassing me.

Sorry I couldn't be here in person

to accept this award, but, thank you.

Making this film has been

an unbelievable experience.

I've learnt so much.

I've seen some amazing things.

One horrific thing,

but I won't go into that now.

Thank goodness for Wet Wipes.

That's all I'm going to say.

I'd like to thank the cast and crew

and most of all, my best mate, Joe Clarke,

for making me do sh*t I don't want to do.

God bless erotica!

# The first time I saw her

# I wanted more than just to hold her

# I wanted to bend her and fold her

# So I leant over and I told her

# Got myself a brand-new girlfriend

# Got myself a brand-new girlfriend

# So many messages to send

# Got myself a brand-new girlfriend

# We wanna be, lapsed Catholic

# Got the contraception,

haven't got the knack yet

# We've tried it a variety of ways

# I've not slept in about four days

# Got myself a brand-new girlfriend

# Got myself a brand-new girlfriend

# Phone's ringing all weekend

# A brand-new girlfriend

# Got myself a brand-new girlfriend

# So many messages to send

# A brand-new girlfriend

# Got myself a brand-new girlfriend

# Phone's ringing all weekend

# A brand-new girlfriend

# Got myself a brand-new girlfriend

# So, we went to the cinema

# We came home from the cinema

# We went through the front door

# Up the stairs

# Through the bedroom door

# Onto the bedroom floor

# I've seen her naked twice

# I've seen her naked

# Twice!

# A brand-new girlfriend

# Phone's ringing all weekend

# Got myself a brand-new girlfriend

# So many messages to send

# A brand-new girlfriend

# Got myself a brand-new girlfriend

# Phone's ringing all weekend

# A brand-new girlfriend

# Think I'm going round the bend

# A brand-new girlfriend

Go, guitar, go!

# A brand-new girlfriend

Come on, now!

# G-G-G-G-G-G-Girlfriend

# Got myself a brand-new girlfriend

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