I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With

[Exhales]

[Apple Crunches]

No can do, James.

- What do you mean "no can do"?

- You know why.

No, I don't. Tell me.

You're not supposed to eat this stuff.

Okay. Look.

Crisp $20 bill. Come on.

I can't do it.

[Sighs]

Dick...

I support you.

I come here.

I could go to those corporate stores.

No. I come to you,

the small businessman.

I'm here to see you.

Support you.

- Okay. One last time.

- One last time. Here you go.

- I got a question for you.

- What?

You got chocolate.

Why no rice pudding?

- Why don't I carry it?

- Yeah.

I don't like it.

In fact, I have an aversion to it.

So if you didn't like milk,

then you wouldn't carry milk.

If I don't like it,

how can I recommend it?

Well, I thank you, my friend.

Say hi to your mother.

You're going without saying good-bye?

I'm sorry, Ma. Good-bye.

You're not gonna

wear that shirt, are you?

- Don't you see that's not even a question?

- That shirt makes you look fat.

- That's because I am fat.

- You're not fat.

If anything, I make the shirt look fat.

Your snoring is getting louder.

I can hear it even with the door closed

and a pillow over my head.

I don't know what to tell ya.

- Bye, Ma.

- [Door Opens, Closes]

Bye.

All right.

Here's your clipboard.

When you go in, you tell him

you're from the government.

- Right?

- From the government.

- What did I just say?

- From the government.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Okay. Why do I have an empty metal clipboard?

Because there's a hidden

microphone up there. See?

- Hold it high.

- Well, why is there no paper in it?

What do you know from paper?

Now go into the showroom

and ask for Bill Bango.

Then you ask Bill Bango,

'Are you the same Bill Bango...

"who used to ride hotrods

at Lake Geneva in the '70s?

'And we know that Bill Bango

knew someone named Vicki Seberg.

We know you had relations with Vicki Seberg,

and you have a long-lost daughter."

Really?

He's a prick car dealer.

What do you care?

Well, where are the cameras?

Cameras?

What are you, a producer now?

[Chuckles]

Never mind the cameras.

Jesus.

- dd[Muzak On Speakers]

- [Phone Rings]

- Can I help you?

- Yeah.

Uh, I'm looking for, uh, Bill Bango.

You mean Bill Bjango?

I thought it was Bango.

No. It's Bjango.

Bill Bjango. Bill Bjango,

customer to see you in the showroom.

Where did the term

"dealership" come from?

- I don't know.

- Just wondering.

What about tent sales?

What is it about tents

that make people wanna buy cars?

dd[Continues]

[Sighs]

May I help you, sir?

- Bill Bango?

- It's Bjango.

Yeah. Um, Mr. Bjango,

I'm, uh, Rory Rorerson.

[Bjango On Headphones]

What can I do for you, Mr. Rorerson?

[James]

Uh, I'm from the government and, uh...

Are you the same Bill Bjango that raced

hotrods up at Lake Geneva in the '70s?

- That's me.

- Okay. Do you remember a woman...

named, uh, Vicki Seberg?

Vicki Seberg. Whoa.

- You know, I knew a lot of gals back then.

- Yeah, well, um...

here's where it gets a little bit messy.

It appears you had relations

with Miss Seberg back then, and, uh...

from that, um...

devil-may-care moment

came a, uh... a-a daughter.

Did you say I have... Did you say I have...

have a... have a daughter?

Yes. I also said "devil-may-care."

I said...

Cue the girl.

- Is she...

- Daddy!

- Oh.

- Oh, I have missed you.

[Bjango]

Oh, my God.

This is great.

Oh, Daddy.

[Bjango Sobbing]

I don't know what...

what... what to say.

What to... What to say.

Mr. Bjango.

Mr. Bjango.

I'm, uh, not really from the government...

and, uh, she's not really your daughter.

- She's not... not my daughter?

- No, she's not your daughter.

We're from a TV show called SmearJob,

and this has all been a joke.

Joke?

[Laughing]

- It's not funny, sir.

- I know it's not funny.

- Not funny.

- I'm-I'm-I'm terribly sorry.

I...

It's not funny.

- I'm not enjoying this.

- What? What's not to enjoy?

You got the whole fat guy thing

all wrapped up.

I mean, who else is out there

who's fat and funny? Huh?

Being fat has nothing to do with

why I'm funny.

Okay. I got ya. I got ya. Anyway,

there's a couple eating in the back, okay?

I want you to go up there and pretend

that you're a government agent...

and you tell them you've got proof

that the guy's cheating on her.

- This is disturbing. You know that, right?

- What's disturbing? It'll be funny.

Funny, funny, funny. And you make sure

that it's the guy who's doing the cheating.

- Otherwise it's not funny.

- How do you know that?

Not me. It's research.

Our research tells us...

that people think it's funnier

if the guy is cheating.

Okay. Now once I tell them he's cheating,

what do I do after that?

Whatever you say will be great.

You are a multitalented young man.

Oh. There you go.

- Clipboard. Paper.

- All right?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Okay.

- Thank you.

- Okay. Go get 'em, you little pisher.

Oh, yeah.

[Laughter]

- [James] So you don't work here at the store?

- Not really. No.

- [Audience Laughing]

- You'll have to forgive her.

It's just that she shows up every day

and does more work than our paid employees do.

So we kind of just let her stay.

[Chuckles]

- Did you need to be in a line?

- Um...

Well, wouldn't you know?

I just think that...

this is not a good thing.

Well, why not?

I just don't feel that you and I

are on the same page.

Okay, Susie von Cliche,

what are you talking about?

You're 39,

and you live with your mother.

Yeah?

You're in terrible shape.

You don't care about how you look.

I care about how I look. There's a matter

of pride as I get dressed every day.

I'm gonna get in shape. That's part of the plan.

And I'm gonna move out of my mom's.

I told you this wouldn't work.

We work together.

- It's because I'm fat.

- It is not because you're fat.

Don't do this because...

I love you.

I love you.

And I've always loved you.

Ever since you started working here,

l-I've been in love with you.

You don't love me.

- Maybe I do.

- [Cell Phone Rings]

You don't know.

How do you know?

[Ringing]

Hi. I'm leaving right now.

I'll be there in a minute. Bye.

- Who's that?

- None of your business.

- I thought you were going straight home.

- I have to meet somebody.

- A guy?

- l... I'm leaving.

So it's over.

Whatever it was, it's over.

[Door Closes]

Hey. Where were you?

- Out.

- Where?

None of your business.

dd [Instrumental Theme]

[Door Closes]

[James]

Hi, Mom.

Hi, honey. How was your day?

Fine.

[Sighs] Even when you were a little boy,

whenever I asked you "How was your day?"...

you always said, "Fine."

[Chuckles]

It was fine.

- Are you hungry?

- Mmm, not really.

I made some kugel.

All right. Maybe one piece.

[Laughter On TV]

[Doorknob Rattles]

- James.

- Luca.

Somebody's probably sick.

- Nobody's sick.

- Why else would they not be open?

'Cause they're closed.

- They're closed. Yeah. Yeah.

- They're closed.

Next time you come here,

it's gonna be a bank.

Look at that floor.

You see that floor?

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