I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With Page #2

It's a beautiful floor.

All that stone was cut by hand

by some immigrant.

Irish guy, or Italian.

Like in the '30s or something.

Worked hard.

Made every piece fit in that floor.

Go home at night.

A little place.

A wife.

Maybe a couple kids.

It's a great floor.

All right. I've been coming here for years...

with my dad, with my grandfather.

- Never noticed the floor.

- That's part of the problem.

What, you're writing me up

for never noticing the floor?

Writing a note.

[Luca]

We need a new place to eat.

- That's a big ball of Purim.

- What's Purim?

- It's kind of like a Jewish Halloween.

- Oh.

[Speaking French Angrily]

There is nothing hotter

than an angry Frenchwoman.

No.

- Yowza. Wow.

- [Chuckles]

Where you wanna go? Waffle King?

- King of the cinnamon waffle.

- I hate the Waffle King.

No. You hate the Waffle King's son.

Uh, Kenny G-lookin' guy who mixes the fruit.

- Yeah.

- IHOP?

IHOP? No.

Guess not.

- Man, the girls around here are way hot.

- Yeah. It's a nice neighborhood.

- Look at that. See the cornices up there?

- Yeah.

[Luca]

Nice Romanesque vaulting.

- They don't make this anymore.

- You love Chicago.

I do. I know. Manny's.

Manny's is great,

but my car is up by Wrigley Field.

- Why is it up by Wrigley?

- I found a great space.

But you don't live by Wrigley.

Shouldn't your car be near where you live?

Yeah, but I got a great space.

[Speaking Filipino Angrily]

Nothing hotter than

an elderly angry Filipino woman.

- Nothing in the world.

- Nothing in the world.

- Look at that.

- Arrgh, matey. Get your hot dogs.

Get your hot dogs. Arrgh.

What does being a pirate

have to do with hot dogs?

That's sad.

- Why a pirate?

- I don't know. Let's go find out.

- Let's go ask him.

- I gotta go to the bank.

All right. You go to the bank.

I'm gonna find out why he's a pirate.

- Find out.

- All right.

Thank you, ladies. Arrgh.

Hey, James.

- Yeah?

- Larry.

- Larry?

- It's...

- Larry?

- It's Larry.

- What are you doing? You're dressed like a pirate.

- Yeah.

- What does pirates have to do with hot dogs?

- Listen. You gotta do me a big favor.

I got a big audition at 11:00,

and my boss won't let me leave...

unless I get somebody to cover for me.

- Not me.

- Come on, man. You owe me.

- Well, what's the audition for?

- Uh, Marty.

Marty?

- Yeah, Marty.

- Paddy Chayefsky's Marty?

I guess.

Why would they remake Marty?

That makes no sense.

Marty's a perfect movie.

Won an Academy Award.

Ernest Borgnine won an Academy Award.

I even have the video version with Rod Steiger.

I've seen it a million times.

It takes place in New York, not Chicago.

My reading's this afternoon.

- Who's the casting director?

- Burl Canasta.

Burl Canasta?

He loves me.

Why didn't Burl Canasta bring me in?

I'm perfect for Marty.

- That makes no sense.

- Would you cover for me?

I've always wanted to do anything by

Paddy Chayefsky. Now they're remaking Marty.

- Wait. Who is Paddy Chayefsky?

- Who's Paddy Chayefsky?

He's one of the greatest writers

that's ever lived.

He wrote Marty.

He won an Academy Award for it.

- I'm sorry. I didn't know.

- He also wrote Network.

Is that the movie where everyone,

uh, yells out the window?

Yes. That's what it's about,

people yelling out the window.

- Yeah, I didn't see it. I remember it.

- Oh, that's beautiful.

Please do me this one favor.

You owe me.

You ripped the cover

on my Silver Surfer number one.

- I told you I'd paid you back.

- When?

Well, I'd much rather pay you back.

Lookit. You cover for me,

and we'll call it even.

- Can I have two?

- [James] Sure.

- Do you have mustard?

- No.

Oh, then I don't want any.

Hey, little fella. Why you wearin' a poncho?

It's so nice out.

Whenever I'm bad,

my dad makes me wear it.

Ah. How about a hot dog?

- Sure.

- [Man] Hey. Come back here.

- Did you say thank you to the man?

- No.

That's another week in the poncho.

Where's Larry?

- He's at an audition.

- Oh, the Marty audition.

Yeah.

You know,

I think I'd make a great Marty.

Yeah, yeah, but you're a pirate now.

You hungry?

- Yes.

- Have a hot dog.

No, thank you. I don't eat nitrates.

All right. You wanna cover for me?

I'll give you, like, 10 bucks.

I'd like to, but all I got is my dignity.

[Cell Phone Beeps]

Yeah. James Aaron for Herb.

I'm sure he is. Okay. Yeah.

[Beeps]

- Name an actress.

- Huh?

Name an actress.

- Why?

- Just do it.

All right. Um, uh...

Gwyneth Paltrow.

Been naked in the movies five times.

Actually, she had a body double

in 1998's Hush.

So, actually, four times.

Name another.

- All right. Julianne Moore.

- Naked five times.

She holds the record

for the longest bush shot...

in 1993's Short Cuts...

for one minute, 24 seconds.

By the way,

it happens at the 2:17 mark.

- Come on. Come and get me.

- I'll take note.

- Do you do this with Larry?

- Oh, all the time. He's good.

That's... That's quite a talent you have.

That's really good.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

- Hmm.

- Yeah.

I just wanted to see how it would feel to be

desperate enough to do something like this.

And how's that feel?

Like my life.

Let's get going. I'm starved.

Hey. Hold on one second.

Before we leave...

tell this gentleman an actress's name.

Wait, wait, wait.

And make it sort of obscure.

Don't go with Gina Gershon,

'cause that's too easy for what he does.

- Kay Lenz.

- Kay Lenz!

Just out of nowhere. Kay Lenz.

Very good.

Great ass.

Naked five times.

The best movie to see her naked in

is 1973's Breezy.

Directed by Mr. Clint Eastwood.

Bonus note!

She was married to David Cassidy.

- Let's go. I'm starving.

- All right. Here you go, Mr. Skin.

I told you. I don't eat nitrates.

- Thank you.

- Mmm.

You always eat so healthy,

yet you're still fat.

- I don't know why.

- Hmm.

- Wanna go to the Cubs game?

- No, I can't. I gotta go to work. It's movie day.

We're showing The Party, and I'm the only

one who knows how to run the projector.

- I love The Party.

- Great movie.

Yeah. Kind of falls apart, though,

when they start washing the elephant.

See, now I like it when they wash

the elephant. It's trippy.

- Trippy?

- Mm-hmm.

All right. Maybe I'll come by.

Gotta get going. Hey. Don't forget.

Career day at Penelope's school.

All right. I'm there.

Now, um, why aren't you going?

She didn't ask for me.

She asked for you.

I run a retirement home. You're an actor.

What's more interesting to a seven-year-old?

I don't know.

- I gotta take my pumpkin muffin and get going.

- You got a pumpkin muffin? Good for you.

- Yeah.

- You know what? My treat.

- Really?

- As a matter of fact...

from now on,

whenever you get a pumpkin muffin...

- years from now, my treat.

- You sure?

- Oh, I'm Mr. Pumpkin Muffin. It's all done.

- Carrot muffin?

No, not carrot muffin.

Not chocolate. Not blueberry.

Corn muffin too.

Corn and pumpkin on me.

Like, if I get it with a... a whole meal?

- No. Just the pumpkin muffin part.

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