I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With Page #3

- All right. Thanks.

See you later, man.

Hi.

- Hi.

- What are you reading?

Huxley.

The guy who wrote, uh,

The Doors of Perception.

You've read him?

No. Actually, I read a book about the Doors

and it said that's how they got their name. That's...

- The band the Doors.

- I know.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Well, I'm starting a diet today.

- Good for you.

- Oh.

What I do is,

the night before I go on a diet...

I go to the store and get every piece

of crap junk food in the universe...

and the next morning I start fresh by having

a half a cantaloupe and some melba toast.

Hi, I'm Marsha, compulsive overeater,

grateful, uh, recovering bulimic.

[Group]

Hi, Marsha.

Well, um, as most of you know,

I just got a promotion.

And, uh, because of that, I'm supposed to

do some work out of my home.

Um, that's not been a problem

till last night.

Uh, Joey, my neighbor,

was blasting his stereo, and, um...

he plays Tom Jones all the time.

So I went over to his apartment,

uh, to tell him, uh, to turn it down.

And he invites me in, uh,

to, uh, finish my work.

And before you know it, I'm in his place,

I'm not getting my work done...

and as a matter of fact,

I'm listening to "What's New, Pussycat?"...

drinking cocoa and eating cookies.

Um...

[Sighs]

I didn't get my work done.

At least I didn't sleep with Joey.

I mean, that's another whole story.

I don't even want to get into that.

Uh, but, uh,

I'm really happy you're all here...

and that I have these rooms to walk in

and not feel alone.

And for today, right now, I'm abstinent.

And that's all I want to say.

Thanks.

[Exhales]

Would anyone else like to share?

Okay. Um...

how about we end the meeting

with five minutes of silent meditation.

[Inhales, Exhales Deeply]

dd[Jazz On Speakers]

- Hi.

- One second.

Okay. Take your time.

- l... You're from Second City.

- Yeah.

- You're funny.

- Wow. Thank you.

- You're really funny.

- Oh, look at you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

- I'm James.

- Beth.

Beth. Pleasure.

What you makin'?

Uh, I just made the banana cookie train.

The banana cookie train.

Look at that. That's beautiful.

But there's nobody here.

I know. Well, this place is my sister's,

and I'm helping her out.

- So when it's slow I have to, you know,

make sure I can do everything on the menu.

- Wow.

- Practice.

- What are you doing?

I was throwing it away.

[Chuckles]

I don't have to throw it away.

- You could help me out and eat 'em.

- I could help you out and eat 'em.

You are the most wonderful woman

who has ever lived.

- Enjoy.

- Gosh.

The last thing I need to do now is start obsessing

about the hot girl with the free ice cream.

- Yeah. That's the last thing you need, right?

- Yeah.

You know,

it used to be okay to obsess and say...

"I'm never gonna give up.

I'm gonna make her love me."

But now I'm too old.

If I did it, I'd be thrown in jail for stalking.

- I had a stalker once.

- Yeah?

Yeah. His name was Mick. He called me every day

for, like, a year, and I didn't even know him.

- What did he want?

- He wanted me to pay off my student loan.

dd[Continues]

Well, that's not really stalking.

No, but I did. I paid it after, like, a week, and he

kept calling me, 'cause he, you know, liked me.

He never even saw you, and he liked you.

How about that?

- It's pretty good.

- Yeah.

d With time on my hands

and you in my arms d

- James.

- Yeah?

You ever give a girl a hoagie shack?

Huh? A hoagie shack?

What's that?

That's when you take your wiener and you

sandwich it between the bosoms of a lady.

I sandwich my wiener

between the bosoms of a lady?

Exact... Yeah.

You're a guy.

You never had a nice little

old-fashioned hoagie shack?

dd[Continues]

Where do you get this stuff from?

Well, I gotta get back to work.

dd[Continues]

Actually, no, I never have.

Oh.

- Ooh. How's your ice cream?

- Good.

Yea!

[Chuckles]

You know what?

I'm gonna get going.

- Okay.

- Yeah. Yeah.

Um, thank you, though, very much

for the free ice cream.

- My pleasure. Anytime.

- All right.

[Chuckles]

Come back again.

[Bell Jingles]

- So, yes.

- I don't know.

Well, do you think that she, uh...

- I couldn't possibly know.

- What do you mean you couldn't possibly know?

- I wasn't there, but it seems like perhaps...

- I told you all the information.

I know. It seems like an offer to me,

but I wasn't there for her intonation.

- Well, bosoms and wiener...

- Yeah, well, it's got all the earmarks of an offer.

- It does have the earmarks of an offer.

- Yes.

Wow. What a... What a strange term.

"Hoagie shack."

Never heard of it.

- Hoagie shack.

- Hoagie shack.

Hoagie shack.

Hoagie shack.

- I can't stop staying it now.

- Hoagie shack.

- Hey, mister, hows about a hoagie shack?

- Have you ever done a hoagie shack?

I've never done... I've never heard of

a hoagie shack before, much less...

- So it's not just me. It would freak you out too.

- Oh, I would be taken aback. Yes.

Okay. So I'm not, like, you know, a loser

for not going, "Hey, we'll hoagie shack later."

No. It's understandable, but you

should have, yes, taken her up on it.

- But how do you do that in an ice cream parlor?

- You lead the life.

Hot dogs, ice cream, hoagie shacks.

You got it all.

- [Laughs] I do, don't I?

- Man.

- I'm lucky.

- Man.

- All right.

- One of these days you're gonna

have responsibilities.

Get the hoagie shack while you can.

That's what I say.

- Hey. How about my tape measure?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Why are there no pictures on the walls?

- It's out of respect.

Out of respect? I've never gotten that.

What does that mean?

- It's out of resp... What do you want?

- Come on. There's nothing going on in your office.

It's an office. It's not a photo gallery.

What do you want?

Okay. Listen to me. Number one, why didn't I

get an audition for Marty with Burl Canasta?

I did submit you, and Burl Canasta

said that you're not right for the role.

Not right for the role? I know for a fact

my friend Larry Albert had an audition today.

- If he had an audition, it was for the movie.

It wasn't for the role of Marty. What else you need?

- Okay.

Your sister. She broke up with me.

Doesn't wanna go out with me anymore.

- I didn't know you two were serious.

- She never talked about it?

Listen. Listen.

I know this is a bad time,

but I'm dropping you as a client.

I'm sorry about you and my sister,

but, uh, I'm not kidding.

What's with your family?

Why now?

- Because you're feeling pain from a similar thing.

- What does that mean?

Well, it means that, uh, it's better to have

one big pain than two separate pains.

You know, why spread it out?

Just get it over with. One big pain.

- That's insane.

- You know what's insane?

The fact that you keep turning down auditions

because they're not up to your standards.

Well, I'd rather wait tables

than do crappy work.

- Have you ever waited tables?

- No.

Exactly.

This is Chicago, my friend.

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