I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With Page #4

It's not New York.

It's not L.A.

You can't be picky.

Who are you to screw up

some show like SmearJob?

That wasn't acting.

That was pure evil.

That's what the name should have been:

Pure Evil, brought to you by the devil.

It was money. You know how many shows

are shot in Chicago?

One?

I used to think you were terrific.

I used to think you were great.

Boy, was I wrong.

You're like a first round draft pick

that goes bust.

I'm sorry.

You're not sorry.

I'm a little sorry.

[Door Opens]

[Door Closes]

Hey, where were you?

- Out.

- Where?

None of your business.

I was at Gustav's Meats today.

This meat is as tender

as he said it would be.

Anyway, you know his daughter Maria.

No.

- No, what?

- No, I won't go out with her.

- I never said that.

- That's what you were going to say.

- I was not gonna say that.

- Oh, you were going to.

No. I wasn't because...

she got married last weekend.

And?

And there you are.

- You know, Ma, I'm gonna get going.

- But you haven't finished your dinner.

I'm not hungry.

Yes, I am.

dd[Soft Rock On Speakers]

dRamona d

d Where have you been d

dI couldn't go to sleep

till you came in d

Ooh. Oh.

- No way.

- You don't really want that album, do you?

- dRamona dd

- Ben Webster. Were you gonna get it?

Well, yeah, but you know Ben Webster?

Well, I don't "know him" know him.

My dad was a big fan

of Duke Ellington's...

and, you know, he loves his version of

"Danny Boy," and I love "Tenderly," so...

I wasn't even looking for this.

I just saw it. If you wanna get it...

- Ben and Sweets is a great album.

If you don't have it, you should get it.

- No... I know. I mean...

- But I don't wanna take it if you...

- No. Hey, hey. Um...

isn't there, like, a Ben Webster box set

that's due out soon?

Yeah. It's coming in like, uh, two weeks.

I got, uh, three comin'.

Great. Great, great.

Can I, uh, put, uh, one on hold?

Yeah, I could,

but I think you'll be just fine.

I don't think there's gonna be a big rush

on the Ben Webster box sets.

Big rush?

Take a look, my friend.

Mini-rush right now.

Your hair's blowin' back as we come at ya.

- [Laughs] Very good.

- Two of us.

- No, go ahead and... and get it. Please.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah. Please.

- That is so sweet of you.

- What's your name?

- Stella.

Stella. So your dad liked,

uh, Miles Davis too.

Yeah. Or a big Marlon Brando fan.

I've never quite figured that out.

- What's your name? I'm sorry.

- I'm James.

- James.

- Yeah. Nice meeting you, Stella.

- Nice meeting you.

- Yeah.

- Well, enjoy it. You're gonna love it.

- Oh, thanks.

Sure. All right. Um...

You're not getting anything?

No. l... l... l... I'm gonna come back.

I'll get the box set.

It'll be here. There won't be a rush.

- Okay. I'll... I'll... I'll get it.

- Oh. There you go.

- So, well, nice meeting you, Stella.

- Nice meeting you, James.

- Take care.

- Thank you. You too.

[Printer Whirring]

Kind of neat, two people

looking for Ben Webster.

Isn't it?

Well, I think it is.

Are you looking for me?

Oh, uh...

[Chuckles]

I live upstairs.

Oh.

- Did you want some more ice cream?

- Uh, no, no, no.

You know what? I really gotta stop eating

ice cream. I need to lose some weight.

- Yeah. I used to be chubby

when I was a little girl.

- Yeah, but I'm not a little girl.

No, you're a big girl.

Big, pretty girl.

Does the big, pretty girl

wanna go for a walk?

Sure. Yeah.

dd[Saxophone:
Jazz]

- Have you seen Marty?

- Marty who?

- No, it's a movie. It's my favorite movie.

- Oh. No.

- Do you like rice puddin'?

- No.

I haven't tried it, but l... No.

Oh, you'd love it.

You don't know what you're missing.

How come you don't

have a girlfriend, James?

- [Laughs]

- I don't know how to answer that.

l... l... I, uh, um...

I don't know.

Have you ever had a relationship?

Um...

a couple.

Uh, let's see here.

Uh, there was, uh, one girl at camp.

Um, but that was imaginary.

- [Laughs]

- Um, and then, uh, let's see here.

Um...

Yeah. There's my agent's sister.

But that was more of a thing.

She really didn't have

that much interest in me.

How about you?

No. No relationships. Just sex.

Or... Or one... I did have one relationship

with a girl in college.

- Really?

- It... Hmm, yeah.

Well, she was a woman.

She was my women's studies professor.

Well, tell me more about

your hot lesbian professor.

It wasn't. It was... She...

It was just during college,

and I only went out with her...

'cause she looked like Barry Gibb,

and I love the Bee Gees.

- And I am no longer interested in the story.

- [Laughs]

[James]

As an adult, I've never really been on a picnic.

That's not really a picnic.

They don't have the red-and-white

checkerboard cloth and the picnic basket.

They're really just a couple

of young people in love eating cheese.

Mmm, I want someone to eat cheese with.

That's what I want.

That's so simple. That's perfect.

Although I'd probably prefer

rice pudding. I love...

I'm telling you. You have no idea

what you're missing. It's so good.

You wanna come with me

to buy some underwear?

I was just thinking that.

dd[Pop On Speakers]

You like this?

Mmm. Delicioso.

Oh.

You like this?

- Chocolaty.

- Chocolaty.

- Chocolaty.

- I'm trying this on.

All right.

- [Woman] Excuse me.

- Huh?

Your girlfriend wants to talk with you.

- Who?

- Your girlfriend.

Oh.

Come here.

Come here.

I need you to see this.

I need to know what you think.

- It's great.

- You're not even looking.

Hey. It's... It's great.

It's great.

All right.

I'm gonna try something else on.

I'm gonna need you to come back.

Uh, okay.

I'll be right here.

- You know what? I'm gonna go.

- Really?

Yeah.

I'll see ya tomorrow night

after your show.

- There you are.

- Hey.

Getting a little upset. Thought I was gonna

have to talk to 'em about being mayor.

- Thank you.

- All right. Well, I'm here. I'm sorry.

- Ms. Lewis, this is Penelope's UncleJames.

James, this is Penelope's teacher, Ms. Lewis.

- Hi.

- Stella.

- Yes.

- From the record store. Wow.

- Mm-hmm.

- You remember, huh?

- Yeah.

Okay. Um, I just need to say Mr. So-and-So.

Your last name?

- Oh, Aaron.

- Aaron. Oh. All right, kids. Okay. Kids.

This is Mr. Aaron.

Say, "Hello, Mr. Aaron," right?

[All]

Hi, Mr. Aaron.

Come on, we can do better than that.

A round of applause.

- Hi, Mr. Aaron!

- Hi, kids. Hi, kids.

I'm, uh... I'm, uh,

Penelope's uncle.

Well, I'm not really her uncle.

I'm actually her dad's best friend.

But she calls me uncle.

Yeah. Well, uh, what do I do?

I'm an actor.

Uh, I've been doing this for about,

uh, 20 years now.

Wow. Twenty years.

You would've thought I would have

made it already, you know?

I mean, that's a long time, 20 years.

Did you hear they're remaking Marty?

Yeah. Remaking Marty.

I don't know why-why would they

remake Marty? Makes no sense.

I would've been a perfect Marty.

Question, yeah.

Go ahead, my friend.

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