I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With Page #5

- I'm bored.

- What?

- I'm bored.

- What?

[All]

He's bored.

Oh. All right.

Uh, bored. Um...

All right, I'll try and, uh...

Let's see here. Um, okay, uh...

I should really keep going,

you know, not give up.

Uh, I do work.

I'm not gonna say I don't work.

I do work. I was on a show

recently, uh... Get this.

It was supposed to be a funny show,

but I made people cry. Isn't that silly?

Made people cry on a funny show? Hmm.

[Sighs] l... You know, the really... The big

thing for me is, I need somebody to love.

I want somebody to love. That's the thing

that's missing for me, is somebody to love.

And I did meet this one girl,

but she's kind of a nut-bag.

Maybe I'm the nut-bag for digging her,

you know? Who knows?

Do we really pick who we fall in love with

or does it just happen?

You know, bottom line is,

I need to get laid.

When I say "laid," I mean a nap.

I need a nap right now.

Do they have a cot here?

'Cause I couldjust

lay down all day long.

While you guys are learning,

I could take a nap and, uh...

You know, when I go to work sometimes,

I walk through the park.

And when I'm walking

through the park I, um...

I don't wanna step in doody,

and that's all that's in the park is doody.

- [All Laughing]

- Horse doody, dog doody, duck doody.

Bee doody. Bees make doody. They do.

There are just tons of doody.

- [Laughs] Doody.

- And also, there's a guy I gotta avoid.

You know why?

On his nose, the biggest booger

in the world.

- [Kids Laughing]

- Yeah, that's right.

His name? Baron von Booger.

That's his name.

- [Class Bell Rings]

- Oh.

l- I'm sorry. I am.

I don't know where that came from.

Please. The kids don't know what

it means. Don't even worry about it.

- I'm just so sorry.

- Please, I really... I understand.

- Well, thanks.

- Yeah, I mean, who hasn't been there?

You know what I mean? Where you think food or

sex somehow's gonna bring you some fulfillment.

And then you just realize that

all we really want is some love.

I mean, everybody feels that way,

don't you think?

The other night I went to a restaurant

and I was ordering ice cream.

I thought I'll just get a little something

to go, you know?

I ordered, like, a whole pint,

and then I sat there at the counter eating it.

Then the guy from the hardware store

came in to... for a pie to go.

And I almost left with him.

That's just...

You know what I mean.

- Sure, I do. Sure, I do.

- Right.

Yeah, I do. That's... I'm just embarrassed

about what happened, that's all.

Don't be.

Don't be embarrassed.

You know, when you're lonely,

you're lonely and...

[Sighs]

Do you have a couple minutes?

Now I'm really embarrassed.

I have to be honest.

Oh, God, no!

No, I didn't mean for that.

Oh, I didn't mean that either.

I didn't know. I didn't mean that.

Oh. I should shower right now,

just at the thought.

- Y-You didn't mean that?

- No, I didn't mean that.

What did you mean?

- I meant that. I did.

- Uh-huh.

- I meant that because...

- Can you give me one minute?

- Yes, I'll give you one minute.

- All right, good. Okay, I want you

to meet somebody.

[Clears Throat]

Do you know why you're here?

Uh, not really.

Well, um, Ms. Lewis,

um, is actually concerned.

- She said you had a misadventure.

- She said "misadventure"?

Misadventure. Mm-hmm.

Is that true?

I'd be careful if I were you, James.

She's a chubby chaser.

- What's a chubby chaser?

- l... Never mind. I'm sorry.

I just don't wanna get off track.

Um, James, are you familiar with...

the, uh, children's classic,

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?

- Yeah.

- Okay. So you remember the oddity

that was Augustus Gloop?

The fat kid who fell

into the chocolate river.

The fat kid who fell into

the chocolate river. He was a sloth.

A gluttonous sloth.

And despite being warned, he fell into...

- The chocolate river.

- The chocolate river.

Jimmy, you are the chocolate river

of your life, all right?

And I'm Oompa Loompa.

Hmm. Isn't that cute? I'm Oompa Loompa.

Please, I'm begging you,

do not fall in.

Do not go near the room where they make the

strawberry-flavored, chocolate-coated fudge.

- I won't fall in.

- Well, then, okay.

You can just tell Ms. Lewis that we had a chitchat

and that you come back and see me if you need to.

And please don't tell her I told you

that she was a chubby chaser.

- I won't.

- Okay.

Do you think I'm pretty?

- [Mumbling] I don't know what that means...

- [Audience Laughing]

because I'm an old sharecropper.

- But I'd love some of your corn.

- Yes, of course.

It's funny you say sharecroppers,

and we're sharing a crop.

[Audience Laughing]

How is it my little lady

and I are gonna get us some corn?

Because, man, I love corn so much.

It overwhelm me the way

I love the corn. I love the corn.

Man, I remember as a little boy,

I sit on my grandpa's lap lovin' the corn.

Excuse me. Do you have a washcloth

in your mouth?

Why, you know what?

Let's take a look.

l-I have not brushed my teeth

in over 40 years.

There's a great possibility that

I could have a washcloth in my mouth.

[Laughing]

- [English Accent] Hello.

- [Applauding]

- Hi.

- Hi. Where do you want to go?

All right, before we go anywhere

I wanna establish something.

You are a huge-time hottie

and I am Baron von Fat.

- You're not fat.

- And you're a little bit crazy.

Where are we gonna go?

I'm cold.

All right, come on.

Here's what we're gonna do.

This will be lots of fun.

Um, let's go down the next aisle and when

we see each other, we'll do, like, a scenario.

- Okay.

- All right, um, I'm gonna be your,

um, 12th grade science teacher...

who, uh... who failed you.

And because he failed you, you didn't

get into the college that you wanted to.

- And you're seeing me for the first time.

- Excellent.

Cool. All right.

Um, by the way, I'm, uh, Mr. Johanssen.

- Oh.

- [Foreign Accent] Oh. Beth, is that you?

Mr. Johanssen.

You may call me Bill,

because we are both adults.

- Okay, Bill. Yeah.

- Hi.

- So how are you?

- I'm great.

I just... I really wanna thank you

for failing me in that class.

What?

I'll explain. See, when you failed me,

I wasn't able to get into Northwestern.

That was my number one school.

So when I couldn't go to my number

one school, I got so depressed...

I didn't even go to college.

- I am so sorry.

- Don't be sad, Bill.

Because once I got better,

once I came out of my funk...

I became Chicago's

number one crack whore.

- The number one crack whore?

- Yeah.

That is quite an accomplishment. You must

have done some things that are not clean.

The scum of the earth of Chicago

has been inside me.

Oh. Well, I must go home

and experiment on self.

Oh, yeah. I have to go too. I'm very busy.

Very popular. Can't keep the tricks waiting.

No, you cannot. Good-bye.

- So long.

- Bye-bye.

Bye.

- [Beth] That was fun.

- Okay. Let's try this one.

Uh, um, I'm a, um...

I'm a young cadet

fresh out of the academy...

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