I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With Page #6

and you are a, um...

a hippie chick.

Different sides of the track.

I'm in full, uh, uniform. Okay?

And you, uh... you love corn.

- I love corn.

- That's it.

I love corn.

- Oh.

- Ma'am, you seem to have dropped this.

Why, thank you, young cadet.

- Groovy uniform.

- Groovy, ma'am?

Yeah, groovy.

I'm a hippie chick...

who loves corn.

- [Both Laughing]

- [James] Oh, man.

That was a lame one.

Okay, uh, they're not all great.

Um, all right,

you think of the next one.

Okay. Um... you just be you.

- Be me?

- Yeah.

Okay. That's easy.

- You live near here?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Okay, what?

- Okay, I'll come over.

- You'll come over?

You'll come over.

Great. My mom's not home.

- You live with your mom?

- Yeah.

But she's out playing mahjongg.

Okay.

dd[Jazz]

How come you only have records,

no CDs?

[James] Uh, I've got some CDs,

but I, uh, prefer records.

- Why?

- Well, I, uh...

Do you really want me to tell you?

Hmm. You're right.

- You gotta kick me out.

- What?

I really wanna have sex with you. I really do.

But first, I need you to kick me out.

- You're kidding, right?

- No, I'm not. I'm not kidding.

Kick me out and I'll go home.

And then call me.

What kind of screwed-up

childhood did you have?

Just kick me out

and don't care about me...

and we'll call it a day, you know?

- And then call me another day and we'll...

- I'm not gonna kick you out.

[Sighs]

Okay, by not kicking me out,

you're basically asking me to leave.

I don't want you to leave.

I'm gonna leave.

[Door Opens, Closes]

[Knocking]

- Who was that?

- Myra, please.

Who?

Good night, Myra.

[Knocking]

I'm sorry.

- Hi.

- Hey. Did you sleep good?

- You snore.

- I know. I'm sorry.

[Mrs. Aaron]

Is someone here?

Oh. James, who's this?

I'm James's friend, Beth.

Oh. A girl. How sweet.

- Dear, would you sit down there?

- Sure.

- We'll have a cup of tea.

- Okay.

- You don't need to do that, Ma.

- Oh, I wanna do it. No trouble at all.

- I'd prefer if you didn't do that, Ma.

- Yes.

l-I'd like to know

your friend a little bit.

Tell me, uh, how long

have you known James?

- We just met.

- Oh.

- You like?

- Ma!

James is a lovely boy.

With my mom, both people

and food are lovely.

- The other day she asked me

if I wanted a lovely brisket.

- [Chuckles]

All right, you know what, Ma,

we're gonna go.

- I understand.

- Yeah.

- Why don't you come with us?

- Well, I'd like to, butJames wants me to,

uh, leave him alone.

- That I do.

- Yes, well, that's the way it is.

- Okay, let's go. Bye, Ma.

- It was nice to meet you.

Bye-bye, dear.

Nice to meet you, sweetheart.

Morning, Henry.

Why do you live with your mother?

Well, you know,

I figure she's just lonely and...

she needs someone

to keep her company and...

I really don't know why to be honest,

I just, uh...

It's comfortable and I don't know

what she'd do if I ever moved out.

- I want coffee.

- I could use some coffee too.

I'm just gonna go home

and get some Starbucks on the way.

You sure?

- Uh, I'll-I'll call you.

- Okay.

Okay.

- James?

- Yeah.

- Forget something?

- No.

- Where's the girl?

- She had to go home.

- Neil called from the theater.

- Well, what did he want?

- He didn't say.

- Hey, Ma, did you know that

they're remaking Marty?

- What do you mean, remaking?

- New actors, same movie.

They're remaking Marty.

They're redoing the movie.

- That's wonderful.

- No, it's not wonderful.

It's horrible.

I mean, why would you remake Marty?

It's a perfect movie.

And even worse than that, I can't get an audition.

The casting director won't see me.

Why don't you go and tell that casting

director that you wanna be in the movie?

- 'Cause it doesn't work that way.

- Why not?

You're right. Why not?

Put on something nice.

Why don't you just tell me

to put on the blue suit?

The blue suit.

What blue suit?

It was a joke, like in Marty...

when she tells him to put on the blue suit

and go to the Stardust Ballroom.

- Do you have a blue suit?

- I do.

- Wear it.

- All right. I will, Ma.

I'm, uh, here to audition for, uh, Marty.

Oh, we're actually just

seeing, uh, Claras today.

I know. He told me that.

But I think you should see me for Marty.

I'm perfect.

It's my favorite all-time movie, man.

- You gotta let me audition.

- Not now, James.

Well, if you don't let me audition,

I'm gonna stay here all day.

- Ooh.

- Not gonna leave.

- Y- You don't wanna do that.

- Oh, yes, I do.

- Oh, you shouldn't do that.

- I will.

Okay. Okay, fine.

- Glenn, who's my next Clara?

- She is.

Okay.

Come on in.

- [James] I'll be right here.

- Yeah.

Sorry to freak you guys out,

but, uh, l-I have to do this.

[Man]

Why are you doing this?

Well, uh, last night I had sex

for the first time in five years...

and I'm feeling pretty invincible.

I know, it's a little bit too much

information, but... I'm sorry.

Come on, James.

It's been cast.

- Burl...

- It's cast. It's cast.

- See me.

- It's cast. The role has been cast.

- Who's playing Marty?

- Aaron Carter.

- Who is Aaron Carter?

- If you were a teenage girl, you'd know.

- They're making Marty for teenage girls?

- Mmm.

- Who's playing the mother?

- Gina Gershon.

- Marty's mom is hot?

- She is now.

- Have you ever seen Marty?

- Of course I've seen Marty.

- You've never seen Marty.

- I have seen Marty.

Who starred in Marty?

Ernest Borgnine won an Academy Award.

Who wrote it?

- Uh...

- Paddy Chayefsky.

Gosh.

[James] Did you hear, uh,

they're remaking Marty?

- Yeah. Oh, yeah, I heard.

- You know who's playing Marty?

- Who?

- Aaron Carter.

- The old Wonder Woman?

- [Chuckles] That's Linda Carter.

- Oh, right.

- No, Aaron Carter.

Right, uh, pop star.

I think my daughter likes him.

Well, she's gonna love

the new Marty, okay?

I'll let her know.

James, I gotta fire you.

It's nothing personal.

It's just you've been around here too long.

And I got some great people in the touring

company I gotta move up or I'm gonna lose 'em.

But it's nothing personal.

Listen to me, I'm telling you, it's not personal.

You should give L.A. another shot.

Go on out there.

You're not getting any younger.

I'm not going to L.A.

I'm staying here in Chicago.

Well, that's your business,

but you can't stay here. I'm sorry.

You're not sorry.

You're right. I'm not.

- Hi, sweetie.

- Hi, Ma.

- Where you going with flowers?

- Uh, to see a girl about a horse.

Oh, what do you mean?

Uh, it's what Grandpa used to say,

to see a man about a horse.

Uh-huh. And?

So I'm gonna see a girl about a horse.

I was just having... Never mind.

- Well, what are you doing with flowers?

- I'm goin' to see a girl.

- Well, don't do anything I would do.

- Wouldn't do.

[Chuckles]

That's too negative.

- Bye, Ma.

- Bye, sweetie.

- I love you.

- Love you.

Um, Clark, north of Addison.

Can do.

You meeting a girl?

- What makes you say that?

- The flowers. You going on a date?

Um... no, I'm just meeting a girl.

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