I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With Page #7

Uh, I'm not...

No date. It's not a date.

[Chuckles]

Don't do it, okay? Don't do it.

- What are you talking about, don't do it?

- Don't do it.

l... I can turn the meter off

right now and take you home.

I won't charge you a penny.

Well, why do you say that?

Because I can tell these...

I know these things.

That girl gonna break your heart, man.

I know these things.

- You know she's gonna break my heart?

- I know she's gonna break your heart.

Oh, I think it'll be fine.

l-l-I don't think any problem.

I'm just going over to see a girl.

Nothing more than that.

Not too late.

I can still take you home.

No.

Should I wait?

Maybe I'll wait.

No. Don't wait.

I tried.

- [Man] Who is it?

- James.

- James who?

- James Aaron.

I don't know anyJames.

Then why did you askJames who?

Good night.

- [Beth] Hello?

- Beth, it's James.

I'll be right down.

- Hi.

- Thanks. Hey.

- Why are you here?

- Just wanted to see you.

Well, I don't want flowers. I don't want

someone to bring me flowers.

- So I won't bring you flowers anymore.

- No.

There's no anymore. There's

not gonna be an anymore, James. It's...

What about wanting somebody

to eat cheese with?

I just... I've never been with a fat guy.

I mean, it was fun.

It just... was just a thing, you know.

Oh.

Don't look at me so sad.

You're gonna be fine.

You're gonna be okay.

Thanks for the flowers.

- [Bell Dings]

- Uh, thank you.

- Hello, James.

- Hello, Claude.

- I spoke to the producers tonight.

- Producers?

And they said that there's some parts

that are still open.

- What parts, what producers?

- The producers of Marty.

I saw them earlier this evening at Gamekeepers.

I told them I'm Claude Clochet...

and I've won threeJoseph Jefferson Awards

for excellence in the theater arts.

I told them I didn't have much time

to do their film...

as I'm currently in rehearsals for

Creme Brulee, a new work by Vic Meyerson.

I hadn't heard of Vic either

until last year when we met at a party...

and he came up to me and he said,

"You're Claude Clochet, are you not?"

And I said,

"I am indeed Claude Clochet."

And he said, "Claude Clochet, I believe

that you are an instrument of emotions."

And I said, "Huh.

That's funny and ironic...

because I often think of myself

as an instrument of emotion."

And then I thought to myself

if, as an instrument of emotion...

I happen to win three

Joseph Jefferson Awards, well, then so be it.

At that time I'd only won two,

but I knew a third was soon to come.

I didn't feel it. I knew it.

And, as a matter of fact, I told this very story

as part of my acceptance speech.

Great.

There's still some parts open.

I thought you might like to know.

And maybe you can have Herb call for you.

I gotta go.

[Bell Dings]

- You're all out.

- They're gonna deliver tomorrow.

- I can't believe you're all out.

- Well, I got some in back, but they're

way past their freshness date.

- How far past?

- I don't know. I just know it's not fresh.

- Get 'em.

- You don't want those.

Please, get 'em, Dick.

Oh.

[Bell Dings]

- Where's the guy?

- I don't know. He went in the back.

That's weird.

I've never seen this before.

We ought to just walk out of here,

teach him a lesson.

It's outrageous.

- Where were you?

- I had something to take care of.

- I got stuff to do too, you know.

- I'm sorry.

- If you cared, you'd be out here.

- I got diarrhea, okay? You happy?

Yeah, actually I am happy.

Dick like you deserves diarrhea.

- [Bell Dings]

- Wow. Do you believe that guy?

- Diarrhea?

- It's all I could think of.

- Here, I found some.

- Oh, man. Thank you.

- Thank you.

- Don't. No, don't. They're old.

I'm not gonna charge you for 'em.

Here. Take 'em.

- Milk's on me.

- Wow. Thank you.

Uh, it's none of my business...

but I think you got a problem.

Take it for what it's worth.

Thanks.

[Engine Starts]

[Sighs]

- [Mrs. Aaron]

How did things go with that girl?

- I'd rather not talk about it.

Why not?

Because you're my mom.

You're gonna have an opinion.

- I will not.

- Oh, yes, you will.

No. There's nothing that

you can say that will get me.

- Nothing?

- Nothing.

All right. Um...

let's see, the other night, uh,

when you were out playing mahjongg...

I, um...

I had sex for the first time

in five years.

- Uh, and...

- And?

Yes, and-and, uh, she only did it...

for her own little game,

or I don't even know why...

she felt bad for me,

I'm not sure.

But, uh, it wasn't about anything,

and she doesn't really dig me.

- And...

- And?

I'm, uh, moving out.

Jamesy, l-l-I do think

you should move out.

You need to live your own life.

[Chuckles] All right. I'm s... Wow.

I'm shocked that you'd even say that.

Okay, well.

So tomorrow I'm gonna

go look for an-an apartment.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

That's good. I think I'll look for one too.

I hate it here.

I thought I was gonna be

the one to move out.

Well, couldn't we both move out?

- Let's both move out.

- Get our own...

- We'll help each other look for apartments.

- We'll get our own places.

- Yes.

- It'll be no trouble.

- And I'll have sex.

- All you want.

[James]

I have lived a life of unhealthy choices.

Elaborate.

I'm an actor. How healthy is that?

As... Wait, hold on.

I'm not even an actor, okay?

I got fired from Second City.

- Being an actor isn't, in itself, unhealthy.

- Okay.

I stand up on stage and I say,

"Hey, everybody, look at me. Look at me.

"I'm worthy and good.

Cheer me and applaud.

Hooray for me, the actor."

- Okay, I'll give you that one.

- Okay. Secondly.

I like 'em young and insane.

I do. Okay?

And someday I'd like to be married

and have kids, and here I am some fat-ass...

By the way, that's the third thing.

I'm fat-assed.

Look, I am married

to an old insane woman...

who, by the way, when we met,

was young and insane.

It's not so much who you're attracted to,

but you do need to lead a healthier life.

You know what, I've decided from now on

I want you to refer to me as "Kitten."

You seem real comfortable

with yourself, but you're not.

- The magic of self-loathing.

- I know it well.

- Hello, Luca. Hello, James.

- Hello, ladies.

- We're ready, Luca.

- Wonderful. So am I.

So am I.

I think we should play canasta.

As long as we have blackjack,

I don't care what else we use.

That's okay too.

That's okay too.

- Casino night.

- Oh. Sounds like fun.

Why don't you come?

We don't see you often.

Oh, that's so nice of you, Mrs. Schwartz.

Uh, maybe I will. I'll consider it.

- [Whispering]

- Okay. Nice to see you, ladies.

Bye, ladies.

I think she's got a thing for you,

that Mrs. Schwartz.

Yeah, that's just what I want now

is elderly and insane.

I'm just saying

it's there if you want it.

It's there if I want it.

Philip, don't forget,

flyer for the art fair, everybody.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- I'm here to pick up Penelope.

- Oh, you've got your official note.

- Mm-hmm.

- All right, sure.

Penelope, your UncleJames

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