Ibiza

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F*** it.

Start spreading the news

I'm leaving today

I want to be a part of it

New York, New York

These vagabond shoes

Are longing to stray

Right through the very heart of it

New York...

I feel like if we could get

charity SoulCycle class

and tie it into your brand,

you're gonna see your brand awareness

go through the roof.

Hi, this is Harper at Moedel PR.

This would just be Instagram alone.

But does Dorinda do anything for you?

We really have to push it out there

that this is a vegan skin care line.

The thing that's great about your product

is that eyelashes can't be too long.

I can't promise which Jonas,

but there will be a Jonas,

and I am not talking Frankie.

No bonus Jonas for you.

New York

New York!

Yeah, I'll be right up.

New York!

First off, you're probably thinking,

"Why does she have a mask on?"

Well, guess what. People...

It's a little hard to understand you.

Could you take it down for a second?

Just so you know.

There is a stomach virus

that's going around,

and my twins

have very delicate immune systems.

So don't look at me

with your judgy little eyes and dewy skin

and you're like, "Sarah,

why you so weird?" I don't need it.

Okay, 'cause I don't have a gag reflex,

so if I get this bug,

I barf, and then I die.

Well, you have really cute kids

so I understand being protective.

They're literally perfect.

I made this executive decision

very early on in my marriage.

I was like, "Honey,

you're not really father material."

So he got a donor. I got a surrogate.

Anyway, long story,

we have perfect babies.

Oh, wow, that's amazing.

Okay, girl talk city

with croissants is over.

- Can I move on?

- Yeah.

Oh, thanks for the permission.

- Anyway, you've been here a little while.

- Four years.

Right, the reason I asked you in

is because I've decided it's time

to send you on a little business trip

since I never really send you anywhere.

- You did send me to Roanoke, Virginia.

- Yeah, I apologize.

We paid your hospital bill, move on.

- Yeah.

- Anyway, here's the thing...

Disfrutes bottled sangria is looking

to expand their brand

from Spain to the States.

So we are on the verge of closing a deal

to become

their representative PR firm, okay?

- Wow!

- I know, wow. Congratulations,

'cause you're going to go this weekend.

Three days, Barcelona.

I'm going to Spain?

Why do you act

like you've left your apartment?

This is sad.

Can I really trust you?

- Are you ready to go represent us there?

- Of course.

Okay, because they're a bunch

of really horny Spaniards

that like the ladies.

I thought,

"Your energy would be perfect for that."

What do you mean my energy?

You know, "your energy, your drive,

your ambition, your spunk."

- Why are you putting them in quotes?

- Because I mean "vagina, energy."

But I don't sleep with clients.

Congratulations! Oh, my God,

where's your millennial parade?

Jesus Christ, anyway...

Have fun in Barcelona, bye.

Bye.

Just hear me out on this, okay,

we take your biz-class tick,

switch it to three coach, split the diff,

crash at your hotel

and you get to be in Spain

with the two of us, the way God intended.

- Amazing.

- No.

This is literally the first five minutes

of every Locked Up Abroad.

Yes, this is a perfect plan.

This is so great,

and I can totally take the time off

of work.

I mean, the other dentist at my practice

will just cover my patients.

- We have such a nice understanding

- Because you're blackmailing him.

What? No.

That's a no. I'm not blackmailing him.

I already told you,

I just happened to walk into the office

one night when he was huffing nitrous

with our dental assistant Dale,

and I was just like,

"Let me do what I need to do,

and I won't tell your wife and kids

about this."

Blackmail is like...

"Give me back my son!"

- That's kidnapping.

- That's full-on kidnapping.

You're like, "I know something about you.

Do what I want or I'll reveal it."

- That's blackmail.

- No, blackmail is like selling drugs,

but you're, like, covering it up

by having a laundromat,

and you're taking money

for the laundromat, but you're actually

putting it into this drug deal,

and you're like,

"Meet me at the corner of this and this

and if they won't, somebody dies."

Okay, that's a bunch of different crimes,

but what you're doing is still blackmail.

Oh, I am. I'm blackmailing him.

Hmm. I guess I'm a blackmailer.

Anyways, the point is

I can get the time off.

And I'm freelance so I'm totes avail.

Sorry, ladies, this is a work trip.

It's not a vacation.

- You're not coming.

- No, because I heard this thing

- on Politico.

- Yeah, what did you hear?

And they were like, Harper, Nikki and Leah

are going to Spain and I was like,

- "This is on Politico?"

- Oh, my God, then it must be true!

- I read that I'm going to Spain.

- Oh, where did you read that?

Some dumb idiot's diary?

Guys, I don't come to your work

and try and steal nitrous from you

- and clean people's teeth.

- You are welcome to anytime.

This is an important work trip for me.

I could get, like, a promotion.

Spain, just, like, let it wash over you.

No.

Yes!

No.

- Yes.

- No!

Yes!

I'm just gonna buy two tickets,

and we are gonna come.

Yeah!

Mmm!

Okay, guys,

we have to power through this jet lag

and go straight to the beach.

Come on, look at this view.

I wouldn't lie down on that blanket

if I were you.

Hotel rooms are black light nightmares.

There's, like, residual jizz everywhere.

Where isn't the residual jizz,

you know what I mean?

All right, time to get ready

for my first meeting.

- Good luck, Boo.

- Bye.

Excuse me. Where did you get weed?

From the cab driver, duh!

You got weed from the cabbie?

Yeah. We're in Barcelona

You did a drug deal,

and we didn't even notice?

I work quick, girl,

but you know what I'm most excited about?

Seeing all that old man sausage

in Speedos.

Specifically the old man?

- It's vintage.

- Ew!

I'm like Lewis and Clark,

just forge ahead, baby.

Show me that dick.

You know what I'm excited for?

That we're in a hotel room

and we can do whatever the heck we want.

What was that?

- Oh, sh*t. Nikki. Oh, my God.

- Nikki, are you okay?

I'm fine.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, I didn't know it was two beds.

You want a smoke?

- This is a cool trip.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, how's you guys? I'm having fun.

- All right...

I thought you were dead.

Ladies, I will text you after.

Be safe, okay?

Your wish is our command.

- Yes, honey.

- Bye, love you both!

- Love you!

- Come on, let's smoke.

I'm not gonna smoke with you.

Remember the last time I got high

with you?

I embarrassed you

in front of all your drug friends.

Remember? And then I tried

to convince everybody that Shallow Hal

- is the best film of our generation?

- People who smoke aren't drug friends.

They're just friends.

Yours are drug friends.

You know, they're always just like,

"Look at this dank strain of legalize.

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