Ice Breaker Page #4

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'cause lots of joggers

come by and they got dogs

and they can smell that sh*t.

- I'm just gonna go find

it, I'm just gonna go find.

- Alright, good luck bro!

(Shea screams)

- Oh no, it's me Kevin.

I'm from the cab.

I'm here to sell--

- Sell your app.

- To sell my app, exactly.

- What're you doing

hiding in the grass for?

- For uh, for uh, the app.

You know, we're doing our

target audience, yeah.

- I'm your target audience?

- No, not you specifically.

We're just looking for

attractive girls in general.

- So you think I'm attractive?

- No, no, no, no.

We're just looking for a

girl for our ad campaign

and that would be, preferably,

someone attractive.

- So like a model?

- Yeah, yeah.

- I did modeling in high school.

It was just for graduation photos,

but I still modeled.

- Huh.

- You can use me if you want.

- Really?

- My profile pic has like 200 likes.

It's not a big deal.

- Alright, well how do I contact you?

- Give me your phone.

- So call you later?

- Um, I'm busy tonight

but maybe we could go

grab drinks tomorrow?

- Definitely.

- Are you okay?

- Golden.

100%.

- I guess I'm gonna go now.

- Yeah, totally.

Yeah you just, um.

You just keep on, keep on jogging.

Jog away, like a,

like a jogger.

- Okay? Bye.

- Cya.

- Kate, Kate please.

Please!

- Kevin, I can't give you an advance.

- Why not?

- Oh, well for one, you

worked like 30 minutes.

(Kevin groans)

- There's gotta be something I can do.

- You want to make money?

- Well how would I do that?

(ominous music)

(knocks)

No.

- Hello?

- Are you Linda?

- Yeah, you're--

- You don't need to know my name, okay?

- It's Kevin, Kate told

me you were coming.

- Dammit!

Well do you have the money?

- Yeah, it's in my pocket.

- Mom, I'm going outside.

- Stay out of the street.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no.

I am not dealing drugs to a parent, okay?

That is just irresponsible.

Kevin, it's pot. Relax.

- What if the FBI is

listening to me right now?

I'm done, I'm screwed.

- Uh, Kevin.

- I don't wanna be caught by the police

and go to prison for life, okay?

That's what they all say.

- Oh yellow, good choice.

- Bye Kevin!

Thanks for the pot.

- Stop saying my name.

- Ah, sh*t.

- Bye Kevin!

- Stop saying my name, okay?

It's not Kevin Cassidy,

it's George Palitroni.

- Come back and see us seen.

- You never saw me, you never saw me.

- Bye Kevin!

- Stop it, stop it!

Go back to your mother.

I'm never, ever doing that again.

Okay? It's not happening.

- Why, did she hit on you?

- What? No, no.

I'm just really uncomfortable

with selling drugs, okay?

I ripped my shirt, too.

- You know it's actually

kinda coming back into style,

you can probably sell it.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Huh.

Cool.

You know what?

You're a saint.

- That's what they call me.

- This guy again?

Somebody get the fire extinguisher,

we're gonna need it.

("Let's Talk About the

Heat" by Willie McGee)

- Hey girl, it's your best friend.

His name is Kevin Cassidy

and he's about to take

you on a date.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'll be right there.

Alright, I got my caulk,

I got my peanut butter,

I got my dollar, I got my

recorder, and I got a sock.

How fun, a sock and a caulk.

(jazzy piano)

- Oh my gosh, these scallops are like

the best scallops ever.

- Yeah, I just wish I

wasn't allergic to seafood.

- You should've told me, we

could've gone somewhere else.

- We could go to like get fast food

and just eat it really slow.

- That's so funny.

- Hello, how are we doing this evening?

- [Kevin] Very good.

- That's fine, how are you?

- Good.

- Excellent, what can I get for you?

- Oh, I'll just have water.

- I'm sorry.

- What would you suggest for the Pinot?

- What's really expensive.

- Perfect.

- I just, I think we just

need a minute, you know,

get some more time.

- Frn Sois.

- Great, there were two

options and he chose

the most expensive one, so...

Oh wow. Okay.

It just gets worse as you turn the page.

So the way I started my app was uh...

Well, I don't really

tell many people this,

but sometimes I doubt myself.

I don't really know who I am.

I guess I'm insecure.

- Oh my God, look at this text.

- I'm actually really glad

you weren't listening to that.

- Hold on one second.

You wanna go?

- Yeah, sure.

Sounds great.

- I'll be right back.

- Okay.

- So...

- Uh, you know I wanted

to talk to you about this.

I didn't want to say

this while she was here,

but there was actually a bug in my food.

I mean...

- A bug?

- I just thought this

establishment was better

than to have bugs in their food.

- Okay.

What dish?

- Oh well, actually the wine.

He was just swimming in here.

He's like the next

Michael Phelps, but uh...

- You're still gonna have

to pay for everything else.

- Oh here it is, just go crazy with it.

Just put that right there.

- There you go.

Alright.

- Thank you so much.

Alrighty.

I'm gonna go.

Oh sh*t!

Alright, let's get outta here.

Come on, come on, come on.

Alrighty, we're having come.

Okay, let's go, let's go.

- Do you want to hail a cab or?

- We should probably just walk, let's go.

- No!

Dammit, not in my section!

(deep electronic music)

- Wow, so this is your place?

- Yeah.

You can make yourself cozy,

I'm gonna go get more comfortable.

- Okay.

That's terrible.

Oh, that's so stupid.

- Oh Kevin?

Are you sleeping?

(deep electronic music)

- Wow.

Oh, wow.

- Kevin?

Kevin!

- Ah, that tickles.

Got me right on my tickle spot.

- What's wrong with you?

Why are you all dazed and confused?

- What?

What're you talking about?

- Please, you look like

you're on cloud nine.

Are you high?

- No, no, I don't do that stuff.

You know I don't.

That's gross.

- Okay, well you can if you want to,

I don't need you here today.

- Come on, okay, okay.

I'm awake, I'm awake.

I'm not dazed and confused anymore.

- That's fine, I still

don't need you here today,

we haven't had a customer

in like three hours.

- Well where am I supposed to go?

I don't wanna go back to

the hostel, it's boring

and just really, really, dirty there.

- Kevin why don't you stop asking people

what to do and just follow your gut.

- Follow my gut?

What does that even mean?

Am I supposed to follow my gut and just go

wherever I want to go and

turn left, turn right?

I mean so if my gut tells me to just walk

all the way to Wisconsin,

I'm supposed to do that?

- Yes Kevin.

If your gut tells you

to walk to Wisconsin,

walk to Wisconsin.

If your gut tells you to walk on a table,

walk a table.

- Hey, get off the table--

- If your gut tells you

to poke your employee.

Like this?

Is it dirty like my broom?

- You don't know where

that's been, it's been in

- Is that dirty?

- Dirty places.

- I know exactly where it's been, Kevin.

Go to Wisconsin, Kevin!

God!

("Drooling" by Growl)

- Oh man, disgusting.

- Thanks for painting my wall brown.

- Oh sir, sir.

I'm so sorry

- Step in a landmine?

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