Ice Breaker Page #6

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("In the Summer" by Jordan Hull)

Kevin, no!

Oh my God, stop it!

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Oh no (yells).

- Oh, hold on.

You need me to move?

Where is it?

Umm.

- Come sit with me.

- So did you let Lana paint you naked?

- Funny.

- You know she's my best friend, right?

You mess it up with here

and you're out of a job.

And I'll kick your ass.

There's that.

- Hey, hey relax.

I really, really like Lana.

And besides, I'm helping

with her art show tomorrow.

- She's gonna do it?

- Mm-hmm.

- You must've said something right,

I could never get her to do anything.

I'll let you off early from Pitch Fest.

- What is that thing anyways?

I feel like there's a

festival every week in here.

- Well this one is

basically a bunch of nerds

like you trying to sell

their souls to developers.

It's actually pretty entertaining.

Some people have some really bad ideas.

- I bet, I bet.

- Anyway yeah, I'll let you off early.

- Cool, cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(rockabilly music)

(phone rings)

- [Phone] Kevin, Kevin, your phone.

- What's crack-a-lackin'?

- Oh nothing, just at my house painting.

What's up with you?

- Just finishing up some work right now.

- That's cool.

Um...

You wanna come over later?

- Yeah, no I'm sorry I can't.

Kate and I, we have to

wake up like super early

for this catering thing.

- So you're gonna ditch me?

- No, no of course not.

I'm probably gonna finish on time.

- Okay, 'cause I need

you to help me setup.

- Consider it done.

- So it's called the Friend Zone app.

It let guys--

oh sorry.

Okay.

- How many more of these?

How many more?

- It lets guys know when

they're in the friend zone,

'cause obviously they don't know

and they keep trying to call

(phone buzzes)

and call.

(phone buzzes)

And they still try to call me.

- Okay, thank you.

So how does this work?

- I dunno.

- Okay,

next we have Avery Smocklestocks,

with the smart phone breathalyzer.

- Now, look up now.

- What?

- You see that guy?

That guy in the pink shirt?

Yeah, I know him.

All I need is a badge, that's it.

- Well I need a career.

- Well we both do.

This is ridiculous.

We shoulda done pizza.

- Blow into it and it tells

you how trashed you are.

- So, how does it work.

- I mean I dunno, I thought you guys

were supposed to tell me.

- Oh my God...

Okay, thank you.

(crowd applauds)

- Hi, how can I help you?

- I'm here to get my badge.

- Your name?

- Uh, Dillard?

- Gotcha.

- Oh, thank you.

- Next, we have Pinky Stinkelhiemer

with True Superhero.

- Hello, my name is Pinky Noodlebaker

and I am here to show you my new app,

True Superhero.

- Is this your nephew or something?

No?

- True Superhero is able to be

able to show you, even you, your favorite

super human and the possibility that he

can be your best friend.

From the low price of 2.99, even you

could exist as a super human in real life.

(crowd applauds)

- Dillard?

Psst, Dillard. Dillard!

You're up after this speech.

- Cool, thanks.

Oh don't, don't worry about it.

- We are lucky to be in the presence

in one of the godfathers

of web development.

Next, give it up for our

host, Steve Carmichael.

(crowd applauds)

- Youth hold the key to our future.

I met a kid the other day

that reminded me of myself.

He was young, bright,

he was full of ambition.

- Hey, he's talking about me

I was impressed.

There's only one difference.

He was so socially awkward.

His body language was like a

dog trapped in a sleeping bag.

- I don't understand that.

- And I thought, "How

could a guy like this ever

"get the nerve up to talk to girls?"

I mean how could this

guy ever have the balls

to talk to a women and

have any chance at all.

After talking to him

for a while I realized

he wasn't completely hopeless.

All he needed was a way to break the ice,

with Ice Breaker.

(man sneezes)

Bless you.

- [TV] Ever imagine yourself

(knocks)

on a deserted island with a

blonde, brunette, redhead?

- [Kevin] Shea, I'm coming in.

Shea where are you?

Where are you?

- Whoa, what're you doing?

What're you doing?

We need to talk about

your dad right now, okay?

Wait, who the hell are you!?

Who is this?

Wait seriously, you're cheating on me?

This is what's going on right now?

- Cheating on you?

Who do you think you are?

- Well we hooked up like three days ago

and you can't even contain yourself?

Who are you, man?

- You want a drink?

- No I don't want a drink.

You know what?

You know what, okay.

You and your dad deserve

each other, alright?

And you know what, you

see this stupid pear?

Yeah that stupid pear and you're as fake

as this little tiny fake apple, alright?

Oh, and you see the world through fake,

stupid sunglasses and that's why you don't

deserve them because they're stupid.

Yeah, catch!

- Are you done?

- Oh yeah, and I'm not

even close to being done.

You see this right here?

You see this Jenga?

Well Jenga, b*tch.

Okay, let's do this.

- Are you done yet?

- Oh, okay?

You probably don't play

the freakin' guitar.

- No, okay, it was a gift!

- Oh, it was a gift?

Well watch this!

- Y'all get the cops over here,

I'm outta here.

- Oh, oh.

Don't you dare!

Don't you dare, I will call the cops.

I will call the cops on you.

Do not, don't.

(police siren wails)

(melancholic guitar music)

- Lana it's just--

- Just stop.

Just tell me the truth.

Who's Shea?

- Lana, I mean Shea is just--

Her dad was supposed to--

- Just stop.

I trusted you, Kevin.

Wow.

- Lana, come on.

- Here's the money I made last night.

Minus your bail, of course.

Don't call me.

- I don't need this money, okay.

I'm just hanging onto it for you.

- No buddy, don't buy things online.

I once tried to get a

phone and they showed up

with a Swiss cheese package.

No, like the whole deal.

Knives and all.

Hold on one second.

Kevin.

- Hey, I tried to use my key.

- I tried to call you last night,

your week's up.

- What am I supposed to do?

- I mean I would love to have you stay,

but rules are rules.

You just gotta move on, bud.

- Okay, well here.

- I watched your bags for ya.

- Okay. Um...

- Well good luck out there.

You'll make it.

Just smile for 'em.

Be yourself.

Be that sweet little

prince I know you are.

- Stupid, stupid.

I mean like freakin' Nora Jones?

I mean she's probably just...

Voice is okay, I guess.

I mean it's better than mine.

Who's that guy with the fedora?

And he probably has a good

app, it's probably great.

Willy Nelson?

I mean what did he do?

He just smokes pot, but

I can't make an app.

I mean who am I?

I mean really, I mean please, please.

Lana! No!

Lana!

(Kevin screams)

Oh sorry, I didn't see you there,

I'll just...

(Kevin sobs)

- You couldn't put more

babes in a single radius.

- Hey, can you y'all give me a ride?

- Whoa hang on, whoa, whoa, dude.

Where are you headed?

- I dunno, Lubbock.

Let's say that.

- Now we're talking.

- Wait, are you done?

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