Ideal Home

---

1

[knocking on door]

[police siren blaring

in distance]

[pounding on door]

[police radio chatter]

[man] Albuquerque police.

Open the door, please.

Dad, wake up, wake up.

Wake up!

- [sighs]

- [pounding on door]

[man]

Albuquerque police, open up.

[quietly]

F***.

All right, we gotta go.

All right.

[grunts]

Get your shoes on.

- [man] Open up.

- [pounding on door]

Piece of sh*t knocks me around,

then steals my Chanel purse?

That was real f***ing Chanel!

I have some Chanel loafers

that I love,

so I totally get it.

Open up, please, right now.

- Why am I doing this?

- Stop asking questions.

- [siren wailing in distance]

- That's good. That's good.

[both grunt]

[grunts]

- Oh, goddamn it.

- What's happening?

Oh. Goddamn it.

Inside the cover of that Bible,

there's an address in Santa Fe.

- Get in a cab and go there.

- No!

Listen, it's better than

Child Protective Services.

You gotta trust me on that one.

All right, hey, look at me.

I know I'm not the best dad

in the world,

all right, but I love you.

[both grunt]

Goddamn it.

Hey!

What the hell was that for?

You f***ed everything up!

[]

Get down on the ground!

Down on the ground!

I'm not resisting!

I'm not resisting!

[]

[gunshot]

Oh, hello!

And good morning.

Have you never been invited

to a ranchero breakfast?

Well, my friends, on this

glorious day, you are in luck.

- Because we...

- [man] Are you okay?

You're leaning.

It's a Western saddle.

I can't sit forward

like the English.

Cowboys sit back on their

haunches up against the cantle.

Oh! Ugh!

Oh, God.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah. I think so.

You know, we don't have to do

the scene on horseback.

I want to.

It's... it's important.

It adds to the masculinity.

It adds to the grandeur.

Well, that's true.

- Are you being facetious?

- Mm-hmm.

- Here you go.

- Thank you.

Thank you so much.

You are a gentleman.

You really are.

God knows they're in short

supply around here.

Oh, my God.

Would you quit flirting

with him?

It makes him feel awkward,

and he's straight.

No, it makes you feel awkward,

and he's gay.

Well, it makes everyone

feel awkward

watching you act

like a weird old woman.

No, you're a weird

old woman.

You want

to know something?

I could've worked for

Rachel Ray, and she's nice.

[vocalizes in mocking tone]

How about we just take it

from the first line?

I'd be delighted.

[male AD] All right,

everyone back to one.

[]

Step aside, son.

[engine starts]

[siren whoops]

[siren wails, fades]

This is a Basque oven paddle

that I have repurposed

as a tapas tray.

I like to serve

my stuffed paquillo peppers

on the back of a horse.

Mind you, a vaquero breakfast

needn't be on a vast rancho.

When we return,

I'll show you how you can cook

some of this gorgeous food

in your own little kitchen.

Ciao.

Dig in, amigos.

Manny, you old cock hound.

I didn't see you there.

You can't say "cock hound"

on basic cable.

Cut.

Get rid of

the terra-cotta pots. Yuck.

Ditto the galvanized tin.

Please, please remove the ghastly

bandannas from the goblets.

You, young man, put your camera

there pointing that way.

Look at him.

He's like

the gay Butch Cassidy

except not Butch.

If only we had a producer

who understood that objects

exist in a space.

Wouldn't that be wonderful?

If only you came

to production meetings

to communicate

your ideas in advance.

Oh, but that would cut

into your rigorous drinking

and masturbation schedule.

[chuckles]

Do you guys do this at home?

Oh, no, we don't get along

this well at home.

Why don't you leave him?

I probably will.

But, you know,

part of me wants

to stick around

just to watch him die.

[laughs]

[]

Oh, can we call a truce?

Yes.

Thank you.

Finally.

Finally?

When have you ever

called for a truce?

You realize you're starting

an argument about a truce.

I think you are manipulative

and passive-aggressive,

and the truce starts now.

Ah! My favorite Mexicans.

Me llamo Mexico.

[woman] So we just got back

from Machu Picchu,

and there's nothing there.

Not impressed. Not impressed.

It just looks like

the Flintstones village.

I'm like, "This is it?

This is it?"

- Not impressed. Zero stars.

- What do you like?

- I like Epcot.

- [scoffs]

Bobby Flay,

I like him as a person.

You know he's

one of my best friends.

No, no,

no don't get me wrong.

He's got a wonderful face

and, you know...

[stammers] marvelous chutzpah.

Are you from LA?

I'm the mayor.

Wait, what?

- Of Santa Fe.

- Oh, I love that.

This close

to the border of Syria.

You can hear the gunfire.

You hear people screaming.

Terrifying.

But the za'atar chicken

was the best I've ever had.

- Mouthwatering.

- And the screaming children

didn't bother

the food at all?

- Apples and oranges.

- You got to eat.

It's the city of holy faith...

- Oh.

- Santa Fe.

That's so cool.

I love that.

[woman]

And I'm like, "Hey, a**hole,

the f***ing Dalai Lama

gave me that purse."

[glass clinks]

Ladies and gentlemen,

please join me in a toast

to two of the finest

hosts in Santa Fe.

What am I talking about?

The world.

Paul, Erasmus.

And if I may interrupt there,

Mr. Mayor,

let's not forget

all the little people,

all the worker bees

out there whoever they are.

- The little people.

- [all] Hear, hear.

[woman]

Well put.

- I am with such an a**hole.

- [laughter]

I love an a**hole.

So to speak.

[laughter]

Cheers to that.

- Cheers to that!

- Double cheers!

[]

[indistinct conversations]

[woman 1] I mean, it is Santa Fe, right?

It's a little on the nose.

I just get sick

of all the turquoise.

It gets a little over...

I mean, no disrespect.

- You look great.

- [woman 2] Thanks.

Yeah.

Oh, hello, who are you?

Um...

Oh. Erasmus.

Well, someone can't spell

my name.

"Dear Arosmus.

This is your grandson."

Is... Is your father here?

Was he here?

Has he gone? Wh...?

What's your name?

Um, do you have a name?

Um, can we get

another chair, please?

- [woman chuckles]

- [man] Please.

Is that all you have

with you?

Well, we've got a Bible.

Some cash.

And a bag of cocaine.

Hmm.

All anyone really

needs in life, eh?

- [people chuckle]

- No clothes, I see.

I'll call the store.

They're about to close.

Oh. Oh, good.

[clears throat]

Um, everyone,

it would appear

this little chap

is my grandson.

The truth is,

Sandy Koufax had a huge dong.

- [man] Really?

- [woman] Huge dong. Legendary.

- Legendarily huge dong.

- [woman 2] Is that true?

[woman]

That is true. For a Jew.

Excuse me.

You have a grandson?

It's unbelievable, isn't it?

I mean, look.

I've had no work done.

I only found out you had

a son a few years ago.

He's estranged.

I told you about him.

No, not really.

Well, back in the '80s

when I was experimenting,

I had a liaison with a woman

which resulted in a baby...

yuck...

which she wanted to keep.

And... This is

all very murky.

I was probably off my tits

on Quaaludes.

Remember them?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes