Ideal Home Page #2

---

What a blast.

Anywho, before you came along,

darling, I had a son called Bo

who dropped out of school,

developed a drug problem.

He even OD'ed at my book launch

in New York.

No. How embarrassing

for you.

Well, it was.

Anna Wintour was there.

Wait.

Where's the father?

According to the note,

he's in jail.

Yes, he's in jail.

- So he's moving in?

- Just keep an eye on him.

We can't have a kid.

We couldn't even handle

that little rat bastard

Yorkshire Terrier.

Thank God for that coyote.

Problem solved,

but a kid's too much.

Calm down, I'm sure someone

from Social Services

will turn up on the doorstep

and tell us where we stand.

Just take one of your pills.

Why don't you take

one of your pills?

That reminds me.

What are we going

to do about this?

I mean,

I don't do cocaine anymore,

but it seems such

a dreadful waste.

We could put it in one

of Tatyana's charity auctions.

- Perfect.

- I'm kidding.

We'd go to jail.

Oh.

Do you want a blow job?

- We have guests.

- Yes, you're right.

[man] Have a good night, guys.

Thanks so much.

Hey. So people are going

so you can deal with the kid.

No. Don't go, Kate.

No. I have a bleaching

in the morning.

For my teeth.

Everyone is leaving.

This is the worst thing

that's ever happened to me.

Just tell us

what you want,

and someone will make it

for you.

I want Taco Bell.

Let's just go to the kitchen.

Maybe we can...

Don't touch me!

It's all right.

It's okay.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Okay, would you

nut up for second?

Here's what

you're going to do.

You're going to get

the mayor a shot of mescal.

You're going to ask the editor

of El Decor to dance.

I'm going to tell Gustavo

to play some tangos

and get Tino to take

that feral child the Taco Bell.

Then you're going to go

to the front door,

tell everybody to come back

because you got me

a birthday cake,

we're going to sing,

and there's cocaine.

Yes, but I haven't,

and it's not your birthday.

It is your birthday.

Go. Go. Go.

Hey, everyone!

I've got cocaine

and birthday cake!

[dance music playing

over speakers]

[dance music fades]

[]

[Erasmus] Well, this would be

the point where you say,

"Erasmus, it's marvelous!"

It's like staying

at a five-star resort!

I look like

a f***ing a**hole in these.

All right, come on.

Bedtime. Let's go.

Lights on or off?

I don't care.

Hey, hey...

Never say that.

You should always

care passionately

about every single choice

you make in your life.

Good night.

We're locking our doors.

That kid scares

the sh*t out of me.

- Oh, I think he's sweet.

- Really?

Well, people thought

Jeffrey Dahmer was sweet

till he raped them

and ate them.

Ew.

I'm sure it's just

a temporary arrangement.

What if it's not?

Well, would that be

such a bad thing?

My parents were

such drunkaholic messes.

I was 11 years old before

I realized my father's name

wasn't

"that f***ing bastard."

Heh. You told me

that joke before.

I'm so sorry. I'll try

and work on some new material.

Thank you.

They were terrible parents,

and I don't want

to be a terrible parent.

- No one's asking you to be.

- Oh, God.

I feel like I'm going to have

one of my things.

- What things?

- My panic things.

I shouldn't have done blow.

I'm such a douchebag.

- Well, take one of your pills.

- I did.

You know, the editor

of El Decor was dancing

like her

life depended on it.

If she'd gone home early,

the party would've been

a disaster.

We should check in,

make sure everything's okay.

What, with the editor?

Hmm? No, the kid.

Oh, he'll be fast asleep.

We should check in,

make sure

he hasn't stolen anything.

What the hell?

Hey, kid?

What's his name again?

I told you a dozen times,

I don't know.

Kid! K...

Should I call the police?

[Erasmus] No, it's okay,

they're all here. They're safe.

No, not because of your

kachina doll collection.

- Because the kid is missing.

- Oh. Paul.

[Erasmus] Maybe one of us

should take the car into town

- and have a look around.

- Meaning me?

Well, one of us

has got to stay here.

Meaning you?

[whispers]

Erasmus.

[sighs]

Thank God.

I need a drink.

Oh, God.

Hey.

Hey, hey.

- [groans]

- It's okay.

You gave us a scare, kid.

Get away from me, you fag.

[door opens]

[Paul]

So what'd the lawyer say?

Nothing, really, just that

the father is in custody,

the mother is dead,

and they're gonna send

someone round

from Social Services.

We can't have a kid.

We don't like kids.

Stop calling him a kid.

He's a child. A kid a baby goat.

I'd rather have a baby goat.

Baby goats are cute.

Baby goats won't come and visit

you when you're old and lonely.

Besides, didn't you organize

that Mexican

children charity

or something?

Look, I love helping

children in the abstract,

but I don't want one

in the house.

Hmm.

Well, at any rate, we have

to send it to school.

- Really?

- Yeah, it's the law.

And it gets him out

of the house for the day.

[]

Hello.

Oh, hello.

We would like to enroll

this young man.

All right.

And what is his name?

Would you excuse us,

please?

Oh, I see you've discovered

one of my favorite contraptions.

These are such fun.

Let's have a look.

Hmm. You might want to vary

your expression a bit.

Scoot along.

Join in with me if you like.

I like to do one happy...

one angry...

one silly...

and one just looking off

into the middle distance,

thinking

about something.

[sighs]

Now we've got

a bit of an awkward wait.

Oh, look at those.

We're hilarious.

What would you like

to do now?

[]

[scanner beeping]

Having a party?

No.

And where have you been?

Ugh. In the editing room.

Trying to make something viable

out of your insane

on-camera ramblings.

Paul, do you know that

huge store called Way Mart

or Mall Mart,

something on Cirrillos?

Yeah, of course. It's owned

by some crazy conservatives.

You shouldn't shop there.

I thought it was nirvana.

Everything was so inexpensive.

The effect was intoxicating.

As intoxicating as that

giant tumbler of tequila?

Yes.

But in a different way.

- [Paul] He should be in bed.

- Why?

Because it's 2:
00

in the morning.

He doesn't have school

in the morning.

I know, because

we haven't enrolled him

because we don't know

his name.

Have a tequila.

Oh. I'm so tired.

Oh. I'm so tired.

[Erasmus and boy laugh]

Hey, kid.

I know you're having fun,

but it's very late.

Why don't you turn off the TV?

Let's get you to bed.

Thanks, buddy.

Maana, piranha.

Are you mad at me?

Paul?

[sighs]

Getting a nightcap?

Some tea.

Did you see the photo

for the dust jacket?

Yes, I did.

What do you think?

This is why you need me.

You really, really should have

let me look over these

before you chose the cover,

because you look like

a person with a mental handicap.

No creature smiles this hard

in all of nature.

I do.

When you make me laugh.

Oh.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes