Ideal Home Page #3

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[makes retching sound]

That was cruel.

[tea kettle whistling]

The kettle's boiling.

So to speak.

[whistling stops]

F*** the tea.

[flatly]

Yay.

[door buzzer buzzes

in distance]

[door buzzer buzzes]

Well, hello.

I assume the kid

got to you okay.

Yes. Yes, he's here

with me now.

You brought him here?

Yes, of course.

He wants to see you.

What, are you insane?

He can't see me like this.

Don't be ridiculous.

Want a Rolo?

That's littering.

So?

So, we don't do that.

Pick it up.

Pick it up.

Don't bring him back here. It's

gonna screw him up in the head.

Like every decision

you haven't made already

hasn't screwed him up.

Hey, I don't need any sh*t

from you.

You're going to take it,

young man,

because Paul and I

are looking after your child.

- Who is Paul?

- Paul is my male companion,

and he has been

for the last 10 years.

You have the problem

with that?

No.

Oh.

Well, anyway,

we brought him here

so that

you could see each other

and to reassure you

that he's being

well taken care of

in your absence.

You're welcome.

What would I thank you for?

Where were you

when I was 10 years old?

I could've used you then.

And now you come back here

with your scarf

around your neck and think

you're saving the day?

It's called kerchief.

You're not the hero of me

and my son's story, all right?

You're a last resort.

Wait. What's his name?

[door buzzer buzzes]

[faintly]

I wrote it in the Bible.

Wait. What?

So, it turns out

the county

won't allow visits

from children today.

But the lady out front

said that it was...

Without

additional paperwork.

Oh.

- [sighs]

- I have a great idea.

Why don't we go

to a video arcade

- and then get some ice cream?

- [Erasmus] Yeah.

Or we could go to

the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum,

and afterwards

have a nice salad.

- [boy] Yes! Yes!

- [Paul] Yes! F*** you!

- You saw that, didn't you?!

- Nice shot! Nice shot!

- Yes!

- [gunfire]

[]

Excuse me... sweetheart.

We don't fold throws.

It's too fussy.

We want it be more casual,

so we drape it

like a woman reclining, thus.

Yes, you mustn't make it

seem as if you put

- too much thought into it.

- Exactly so.

It shouldn't look like

it's been placed there.

- It should look like it's...

- [both] Just appeared.

- Yes, like a...

- Cyst.

- ...rainbow or a...

- Cancer cell.

Wildflower.

- Perfect.

- That's wrong.

Excuse us.

Uh. Excuse me.

Look, the Bible.

Hmm.

From Bo, remember?

He said he left a note.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I thought you'd found God.

Um, "It's Bo. Remember me?

This is grandson.

"Mother is dead.

I got trouble/jail.

Take care of him.

He's Angel."

He's really got something

against articles of speech.

Angel...

[electronic explosions]

[Paul]

Is your name Angel?

Why didn't you tell us?

[sighs]

I don't like it.

No one likes their name.

No, can you imagine

how I felt

on my first day at school

when the teacher

called out

a Erasmus Dickey Brumble?

- What's wrong with Angel?

- It's gay.

It is a little gay.

What would you like

to be called?

Bill.

- [laughs]

- Then Bill you shall be.

You can't just change his name

because he wants to change it.

- Why not?

- Yeah, why not?

All right, fine, Bill it is.

But one question.

Why didn't you just tell us

you wanted to be called Bill

from the outset?

Because I just thought of it.

I've been trying

to think of a name.

What difference does it make?

It makes a difference

because for two weeks,

we've been calling him "kid"

and we haven't

put him in school.

No problem, just

from now on, communicate.

[mockingly]

Yeah, communicate.

- Don't, don't, don't, don't!

- [Bill laughs]

Don't do that!

All the f***ing time

you do that!

You make me look like an idiot

in front of the crew,

in front of the kid!

The kid's got a name.

He's call...

Sorry, what was your name?

It's Bill!

Uh, Paul?

Paul, wait, we need you.

[woman singing operatically

in distance over speakers]

Well, can you make an exception

in my case?

Perhaps it would make a

difference if I was to tell you

my name was Erasmus Bumble.

I present to cookery program

and... Oh, sod it.

Taco Bell don't deliver.

I can't get a hold of Paul.

Hello, Paul, it's me.

You made your point

quite eloquently.

Please come home.

[opera music continues]

[sighs]

I have made you cochinita pibil

with homemade tortilla.

I've offered

to make you anything

from the finest ingredients

known to man.

Taco Bell.

[sighs] Fine.

All right.

Total capitulation.

Sh*t.

This is raccoon.

[Bill] It's by the building

that's brown,

and its square,

and it has these

little logs on the roof.

In case you hadn't noticed,

you just described every

f***ing building in Santa Fe.

Wait, there it is!

Oh, great.

[Bill] I'm glad we made it

To Taco Bell

Come on, come on, come on!

Hi, welcome to Taco Bell.

My name's Leticia.

How can I help you?

Hello, Leticia.

My name is Erasmus.

And this is my grandson Bill.

Can I have the Crunch Wrap

Supreme with bacon

and the Nachos BellGrande?

Sure.

[sighs]

And for you, sir?

I'm sorry,

I am mesmerized

by the divergent culinary

concepts at play here.

Cheesy Gordita Crunch.

Fiery Doritos Locos

Tacos Supreme.

I mean, it's like

Mexican jazz music.

- Are you a Erasmus Brumble?

- I am indeed.

I heard that you called earlier.

I love your books

and your TV show, and, well,

what are you doing here?

Well, if you like my books

and my TV show,

what are you doing here?

[laughs] Are you going

to order something?

I'd love to see

the wine list first, please.

[laughs]

He wasn't joking.

You like it?

Oh, Bill,

I've seen the light.

What?

Well, have a think.

What's the happiest

you've ever been?

One time with my dad,

he took me to the mountains,

and we shot squirrels.

Hmm.

Well, for me, sitting here

sharing this taco with you,

is that good.

[sighs] But there's got to be

a better table than this.

[door close]

How long have you been sitting

alone here in the dark?

Uh... 10 years.

It's been a nightmare

since you've been away.

Bill and I have been

crying our eyes out.

- Isn't that right, Bill?

- No, it was fine.

We went to Taco Bell.

Why don't you trot off to bed,

little man?

We can't have a kid.

We are kids.

Well, that's not true.

You're more of a kid

than me.

Do I have a sense of play?

Oh, uh, yeah.

[both laugh]

But you're a man.

You're a great big hulking

Paleolithic beast of a man.

You're talking about my ass.

No.

Look at me.

You have the biggest heart

of any man I know.

[]

[Erasmus grunting]

Is everything all right?

Yes, everything's fine.

Can I have Chunky Monkey?

Yes, of course.

[Bill] Where is it?

It's in the freezer

in the kitchen.

There isn't any there.

I looked.

No, it's in the freezer

in the garage!

It's in the garage!

The one with all

the Kevin Costner magnets on it!

Who's Kevin "Coster"?

He was in that film.

What was it called?

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matt...

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