Ideal Home Page #4

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It's doesn't matter.

It's the only freezer

that's in the garage.

Okay.

Good night.

Do you want some?

[both] No, thank you.

Okay.

Oh, Dances with Wolves!

[alarm clock blaring]

[alarm stops]

We gotta make him lunch.

We have to make him lunch.

We have to make him lunch.

[Bill] Taco Bell.

- Pepperoni pizza.

- No.

Come on, man, look.

It's got...

tongue twisters, jokes,

and more mixed-up fun inside.

No.

[sighs]

Oh, God...

All right.

Last offer.

A 2-pound bag

of Sour Patch Kids for lunch.

Candy is for dessert.

You got all the flavors.

Blue.

Please.

[muffled scream]

Uh, we're still

serving breakfast.

For how long?

Uh...

Another 45 minutes.

Oh, f*** you.

Has it been

45 minutes yet?

- No, it's been two.

- [passing truck horn blares]

I want 20 crunch wraps

with bacon, please.

- Twenty?

- Twenty.

Why'd you get 20 of 'em?

Because I'm gonna freeze them

and then thaw them out

every morning.

That's... not going to work.

And it's weird.

Why can't I just take them

to school in a Taco Bell bag?

[clears throat]

Because I've written articles

for Server magazine.

- Do you know what that is?

- No.

Get the f*** out of my car.

[children chattering]

[school bell rings]

[]

Mmm.

[grunts]

[Paul] So the bartender says,

"No? You don't know?

You walk him

and pitch to the rhino."

[laughter]

Why are you wearing chaps

at dinner?

These used to belong

to Roy Rogers.

[both imitate

bullet ricocheting]

- Please.

- [Erasmus] Even though

I don't believe

in reincarnation,

I am becoming more

and more convinced

that in a previous life,

I was a cattle rustler.

[laughter]

You just said you don't believe

in reincarnation.

I can rustle cattle.

I roped a steer.

You couldn't rope Ethel Merman.

Bill, do you like the place?

Seriously, tell them

what time you go to bed.

- Whenever I want.

- Oh...

I want Erasmus and Paul

to be my granddaddys.

- You like Erasmus's cooking?

- No, it's gross.

[laughter]

Where is your dad?

He's in jail

for beating up a hooker.

[laughter]

[man]

Where does he get this stuff?

He's actually not kidding

about that.

Oh. Heh.

Um, well,

where's your mom?

She was a drug addict.

And she took

too many drugs one night.

And she fell off the balcony.

It was four stories high.

Where were you

when this happened?

In the next room.

Well, the good news

is I've made a pear tart.

[doorbell rings]

[doorbell rings]

[groans]

Hi.

[groggy]

Hi.

I'm Melissa Enright

with Child Protective Services.

Hi. Hey, come...

come... come on in.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

This is the first

of several mandated visits

by the CPS of New Mexico.

Fantastic.

When a single parent

is arrested,

there's an inquiry

initiated by CPS.

He's been here

for 10 weeks.

We're backlogged.

So is he here?

[all sigh]

Who's that?

Erasmus,

this is, uh...

- Melissa.

- Melissa.

From Child

Protective Services.

Oh, sh*t.

Uh, hello, Melissa,

I'm Erasmus.

So, yeah, Bill's around.

And you haven't seen...

[whispers indistinctly]

I don't know.

I just got up.

Is anything wrong?

No, Melissa.

Welcome to our humble

country abode.

I'll just going to put

some coffee on.

Ooh.

It's good coffee.

Yes, also good

if we find the child.

[indistinct cartoon noises

playing on computer]

Oh, here he is.

Right where we

sometimes find him.

Hello.

Yeah, he likes

to be called Bill.

So they take me to school

every morning,

and then they pick me up

every afternoon.

Together? They both go?

It's usually Paul.

No, it's always Paul.

Has anything happened here

at home

that frightened

or disturbed you?

No.

Are you sure?

Like what?

Like any hitting or yelling?

Mm, not really.

Not really?

You're not sure?

I mean no.

Have you seen anything

that confused you?

Certain kinds of touching

that made you uncomfortable?

No.

It seems like

something happened

that you don't want

to talk to me about.

But you can tell me

anything.

Can't I just show you?

Of course.

Those flat shoes.

Flap, flap, flap, flap, flap.

They're so flat,

it actually makes her shorter.

It's not even an inch.

It's completely flat.

[Erasmus]

Everything all right?

Totally fine.

What a large room.

The hell does that mean?

I hate her.

Excuse me...

Would both of you

come this way, please?

Do you think she heard us

calling her a dumb b*tch?

Hope she hasn't found

the porn. Heh.

Yeah, I mean, most of the places

I go are really horrific.

So when I saw this house,

I was like, "Lucky kid."

But you can't give

a kid porno.

Yes, but the thing is,

they are all Paul's.

What? No, they're not.

Some of them.

You know,

we keep this locked up.

The thing about a lock is,

it has no meaning

if there's a key in it.

Is that Confucius? Heh.

No, that's true.

I was just trying to find ET.

- [Erasmus] Hey. ET.

- [Paul] Bill!

- Classic Spielberg. Weaver of dreams.

- Oh.

[Paul] I love when

his finger lights up.

That's how you can tell

he's an alien.

- And his face.

- And his face.

Bill, would you give us

a moment?

Sex Wars:
Phantom Ass.

It's just a phase

he was going through.

Yeah, I'm kind of

a Star Wars guy.

[mockingly groans]

Bareback Mountain?

What they do is take

a recognized title

and just give it a bit

of a cheeky twist.

- I get it.

- [Erasmus] It's unusual in that

the source material

is also... gay.

Buttpluggerz.

We're throwing them all out.

There's so much online.

What did I just say?

Is it okay if I come back?

Yes, any time.

Great, good,

because I will be back.

[Erasmus]

We long for you to return.

Late mornings

generally are best.

One last thing.

It really feels like

you should be cooking

something nutritious

for Bill at home,

not just grabbing fast food,

especially given

your line of work.

- It's not me. It's him.

- That's great advice.

Thank you so much

for that input.

Have a good day.

What a queer fish.

Uh, yeah.

Does he have friends

outside of school?

Uh, two of us.

Household employees.

Staff.

Anyone his age?

Uh, well, there's Tino.

Oh, good, Tino.

How old is Tino?

[both] 24.

No, he doesn't really.

I would like to refer you

to a developmental therapist

here in Santa Fe.

- Are you saying he's insane?

- No, no, no, of course not.

But treatment

can benefit someone

who's been living with

an unstable personality.

Maybe I should get

some treatment.

Of course,

if you feel that you...

- He's joking.

- I...

In any event,

I have a very important

harvest-abundance episode of

my television program to record.

So if you've nothing further

to say, I'll take my leave,

and if you could find the time

to teach him how to spell,

add and subtract,

that would suffice.

[scoffs]

Un-f***ing-believable.

She's just trying

to do her job, Paul.

Not her. You, you dumb dick.

- What?

- He should be making friends.

My God, after

everything he's been...

- What concern is it of yours?

- Excuse me?

You've expressed how little

interest you have in him.

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