Ideal Home Page #5

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Mm-hmm, and I pick him up

from school every day.

And I appreciate your efforts,

but you made it abundantly clear

you don't want to be saddled

with the responsibility.

Well, I am saddled

with the responsibility.

When he first arrived

I thought, oh, I don't know

- how we're going to handle...

- Paul...

Can you make a mental note

of all this,

and we can sort it out

over a smart cocktail?

I have something

at stake here.

- What?

- When he got here,

I thought, oh, great,

you know what?

I'm going to be stuck

with all the responsibility.

And surprise,

I am stuck with it,

but I will not wake up

early every day,

wake him up, pack his lunch,

help him with his homework...

yeah, by the way,

he has homework...

and have you tell me

it has nothing to do with me.

[door closes]

You know what? I am so sick

of being this furious.

I... I give up.

What am I doing?

You have to tape.

I have to stay here

and pick him up.

No, Tino can pick him up.

- I'll pick him up.

- Don't be a martyr.

Oh, God. This.

This, I never imagined

for myself.

I went to Wesleyan.

My contemporaries

are scions of industry.

I should be living in New York

running the Food Network,

not sitting here

in this dusty pueblo

babysitting the boy

from The Shining.

Yeah, and I went to Oxford

and all my friends...

You went to cooking school

in the town of Oxford.

- What's your point?

- It's a very different thing.

What's your point?

My friends

at The Rachel Ray Show

called me again and told me

there's still a job there

for me if I want it.

Idle threat.

Mm.

- [children laughing]

- [boy] Wait up, wait up!

Wait, what do we do best?

Drink and argue.

Throw parties.

We just need to give Bill

a proper birthday.

- It's his birthday?

- Doesn't matter.

But we do need to freshen up

the genre.

We need a theme,

something stunning.

I thought we were

in the middle of a fight.

What?

Forget "Pin the Tail

on the Donkey."

Try "Pinning the Tail

on Ganesh,"

the elephant-headed Hindu deity

at your next children's party.

I'm going to take you on a tour

of the Indian subcontinent,

where we're going

to discover the secrets

of tandoori lobster dogs,

saffron cupcakes,

and tamarind ice cream.

This is your passage to India.

I'm a Erasmus Brumble,

and this is Ideal Home.

[children chattering]

One of the staples

of authentic Indian cuisine

is of course naan,

the indigenous flatbread.

But I need someone

to help me roll the dough.

- Heather...

- My name's not Heather.

- It's Whitney.

- That's all right.

Bill, would you like

to help me grind

some tamarind paste

with this pestle and mortar?

No. Let's get Taco Bell.

- [both] Yeah! Taco Bell!

- Cut!

Taco Bell! Taco Bell!

Taco Bell! Taco Bell!

[lively Indian pop music

playing over speakers]

[Bill roars]

- Hey.

- What?

- Is this your party?

- Yeah.

Do you have two dads?

No. Well, I don't know.

Sort of.

That's littering.

So what?

We don't do that here.

[lively music continues]

[girl] Wow!

Wow!

Oh, my gosh,

this has been so amazing.

Um, Chelsea's got

a birthday next weekend.

- [Erasmus] Mmm...

- And we would so love

to have you guys come.

- Well, fantastic.

- Yeah?

- Try and keep us away.

- [laughs]

[electronic dance music playing

over speakers]

See, the Spurs need to stick

to what they do best,

work as a team.

I mean, you got Ginobili,

you got Leonard, small ball.

Thanks, hon.

I don't really know

who those people are.

I don't even know what sport

you're talking about.

[Erasmus] I think

it's baseball, is it?

[Paul] That's the one

with a small ball.

I know that.

- We're not really sporty types.

- No.

["Everybody Dance Now" playing]

Oh... Holy sh*t! Heh.

I got my first blowie

when this song was playing.

Oh?

Um. She was...

She was...

A girl?

Yeah.

Did she have

big old tits?

We just got the couch.

You can have ice in there.

You can have beer in there.

You can sit back, relax.

Functional, stylish, comfy.

What more could you ask for?

[children screaming]

You know, it's not like

on your TV show but...

Oh, no...

But... I mean...

Well... [stammers]

Everyone's different,

aren't they?

The world would be a pretty dull

place if we were all the same.

- Hear, hear.

- Right?

[gasps]

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry.

Would you...

Would you rather

have white wine?

Uh...

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Yeah? Okay.

Sorry about that.

[Paul] You know what,

they seem like a nice family.

They seem happy.

Yeah, well,

I'd rather be all f***ed up

and live in a nice house.

Well, then, dreams

really do come true.

And of that song

has invaded my mind.

Oh, that f***ing song.

[imitates dance beat

from "Everybody Dance Now"]

- All right, bye.

- See you tomorrow, Bill.

[chuckles]

Bye.

Well, they seem like nice boys.

What are their names?

One is named Lantem...

Lathem... Lathem!

And the other is named...

I don't know.

Okay. Well, I had to park

on the other block.

- [engine revving]

- It was so crowded.

- [tires screeching]

- Idiot!

Not... Not you, him.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

Oh! Why don't you hold

my hand for now?

No.

[panting]

Bill, take my hand.

- I don't want to.

- You were almost killed.

- I don't care!

- I do! I'm the adult!

You're the child!

And you're gonna do as I say!

F*** you!

What's the matter?

I c-can't... I can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

[]

I can't breathe.

[cell phone buttons beeping]

[phone dialing out]

I need an ambulance.

[siren wailing]

- Are you having chest pain now?

- Yeah.

Are you going to be okay?

I don't know.

[heart monitor beeping]

[medic] Your blood pressure

is a little high,

but I don't see anything else.

Have you ever had

a panic attack?

Hmm?

Do you have any history

of anxiety or panic attacks?

I do. I, uh...

I... I think

I'm having a heart attack,

and it, uh...

it turns out to be anxiety.

So you've called

an ambulance before?

Yeah.

How many times?

Nine times maybe?

About nine times.

[inaudible]

[softly] Yeah.

[Erasmus]

But you saved his life.

You get a coupon for redemption

when you arrive

at the gates of heaven.

Mmm. It was so disturbing,

watching the kid

almost get killed,

and then the screaming match,

and then I had one of my things.

What things?

My panic things.

You didn't call an ambulance.

Oh, no.

It was humiliating.

We didn't even make it

to the hospital.

The EMT just told me

to take it easy.

And death is cheated once more.

Away, you shadowy specter.

Where are my pills?

Hey, hey, just, you know,

have a tequila

and think pleasant thoughts.

Oh, God, I can't.

Every night my dreams end

in the Apocalypse,

alien invasions,

and mega tsunamis.

Your dreams are

so big-budget.

I just dream I'm naked

and people are laughing at me.

Oh. I dream that, too.

You know,

eventually, you just have to

[goofy voice]

make a decision to be happy.

Never do that voice again.

[]

Rise and shine.

Come on, kiddo.

Time to get up.

[Bill grunting]

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