Ideal Home Page #6

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School. Did you finish

your book report?

Yes.

You want to tell me

what my anxiety medication

is doing in your backpack?

Have you taken

any of these?

No.

Well, where are they?

The entire bottle

is missing.

I don't have them.

[Erasmus]

What have you done with them?

Out with it, young man.

This is serious.

I sold them to this kid

in the middle school.

- Thank God for that.

- Thank God?

Well, at least he hasn't

taken them himself.

Wh-? Where would you get an idea

to do something like that?

[mumbles softly]

What?

His father.

Your father.

[Paul] Oh, well, yeah.

I mean, that's... Okay.

Why did you feel

the need to do this?

- I needed money.

- [Paul] For what?

Don't we buy you

everything you could ask for?

I need money in case...

In case what?

In case I'm not here.

In case that Melissa lady

takes me or something.

[]

Listen to me.

You're not going

anywhere, okay?

I won't let it happen.

We won't let it happen.

Look at me.

We promise.

Do you understand?

And if you promise

not to deal drugs...

we'll give you $100

a week.

Wait, no. 50.

Okay.

I'll do it for 100.

- Okay. All right, yeah.

- Oh.

- Okay, Great. Great!

- Yay!

All right!

High fives all around.

[]

- Good job.

- [Paul] Crisis averted.

Bring it. We did it.

[all] Yay!

Good dinner. Good.

- Come on, Bill.

- [Bill shrieks, laughing]

No, you're not gonna

make me do it.

[song ends]

"In conclusion, my parents

have taught me about recycling

"because they love me,

and they love the Earth.

The end."

All right.

Thank you, Symphony.

And next is Bill.

"I live with Paul and Erasmus."

Bill, remember, look

your audience in the eye.

Okay? And let's try it

a little louder.

[loudly] "I live with Paul and

Erasmus. They are not my dads.

"But they do

all the stuff dads do.

"They are gay.

"In the olden days,

it was illegal to be gay.

"There are some words

you should never use

"when you are talking

to someone who is gay.

"Never say 'f*ggot.'

[children giggle]

- "Never say 'cocksucker.'

- Bill!

[laughter]

"And never, ever, ever say..."

Bill, please stop! No!

"Buttfucking."

[laughter]

"In the olden days,

it was illegal to be gay."

- [Paul laughing quietly]

- Indeed it was.

"Some words you should

never say

"when you are talking

to someone who is gay.

"Never say 'f*ggot.'

Never say 'cocksucker.'"

[laughs]

Unfortunately,

the school district

doesn't find quite

the same sense of humor

in this situation.

He... He said this aloud

in, in class?

Up to and including that word.

[laughter]

Did he say "buttfucking"?

Did he say "buttfucking"?

[both laughing]

- Never, ever say "buttfucking."

- Gentlemen!

Where do you think

he's learning these terms?

Um... It's... it's...

We don't make a habit

of using words like that,

I have to say.

Um, unless it...

unless it's in context.

I see where he gets it.

[Erasmus] I hate to say this,

but I do think it's a case

of pot calling the kettle black?

I did notice the word "felching"

on your classroom wall,

which I thought was highly

inappropriate in a classroom.

That is "felting."

[Paul] Oh, yeah,

that makes more sense.

Felching isn't

until middle school.

I am so not into that.

Can't speak for him.

- Guilty as charged.

- [cell phone buzzes]

- This is serious.

- Hello? Oh, yes.

We were wondering when we were

going to hear from you.

How's it going, Angel?

How you doing?

Tell them how

you're doing, Bill.

- Good.

- He likes to be called Bill.

Bill? Is that right?

Well, you know, angels were one

of your mom's favorite things.

So that's why

we named you Angel.

That's still his name legally,

of course.

But he's been doing great

at school.

Uh, a whole spate of friends,

and...

Would you like

to tell your father

about your new friends,

young man?

No.

Well, it sounds like

you're doing really good.

And, you know, I've been

doing really good in here.

I've been going to church.

I feel a lot better now.

I'm so clearheaded.

The big news is the minister's

really gone all out

for me to get an early release.

So I'm gonna be out of here

before New Year's.

- Bravo.

- And the church has also

set me up with

a sponsor in Arizona.

So when I do get out of here,

me and Angel

are gonna go to Arizona,

and we're gonna start working

for a minister there.

- Arizona?

- Yeah, that's right.

I think we need consider

how the boy

has settled in

at school here in Santa Fe.

He has a lot of friends.

There's a school at the church.

He'll make new friends.

Well, I think, I think

we need to consider

- all this very carefully.

- He's my boy.

I thank you both

for taking care of him.

But there is a plan in place.

And it's a good plan.

What if I want to stay?

All is well,

and all will be well.

- But do I have to go?

- Okay, look.

If I tell you something,

will you promise

to remember it

for as long as you can?

Yeah.

Everything is temporary.

Except herpes.

- What's herpes?

- Paul...

[sighs]

[Erasmus] I'm not trying

to arrange permanent custody.

I'm just trying to see

if I can somehow delay

the child going to him.

He finally has some stability.

It must count for something.

[man on phone] Well, there just

isn't a court in the country

that is gonna separate

a child from his parent.

There just isn't,

unless the child

is in some kind of

quantifiable danger.

I'm sorry, Erasmus, you really

don't have any leverage.

Well, thank you

for what has effectively been

a $400 phone call

for you to say no.

- Piss off.

- Era...

A**holes,

the lot of them!

[whispers] We should probably

watch our language here.

- Why?

- Because it's a f***ing church.

I'm just trying to get the boy

away from his idiotic father.

Well, you might not get that.

You might not get what you want.

Well, why not, Paul?

Because God hates you.

[laughs]

Look, we have him

through the holidays.

All right?

Come on.

Let's put on a show.

- I was going to say that.

- I know.

[]

[Erasmus on TV] In Mexico and

many Latin American countries,

Christmas Eve is celebrated

even more than the day itself.

In my home, I like to prepare

a flavorful Mexican supper

of fresh-made

green-corn tamales,

whole roast pig

and [speaks Spanish]

for dessert.

Afterwards, we'll attend

a traditional pageant

known as La Posadas,

which retells the story

of Mary and Joseph

looking for shelter

in Bethlehem.

Then we cross the Atlantic

for a proper English dinner.

No, further out.

Further out.

[both speaking indistinctly]

[Paul] I'll say,

you look handsome.

[indistinct conversation]

You're allowed

to take one present.

Well, how about three?

- [Erasmus] Oh, okay.

- [Bill] Okay.

- [Paul] Yeah?

- O.M.G.

Do we have more?

Wow.

[choir singing in Spanish]

Okay, and cue the harem.

And heavenly glow.

[singing continues]

[people chattering]

[Erasmus sighs] This really is

the land of enchantment.

[Paul] Oh, so nice.

They let you out.

[scoffs]

Yeah, Merry Christmas.

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