Ideal Home Page #7

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- Merry Christmas.

- Hey, bud.

Come on, you want to come

over here and give me a hug?

Attaboy.

How you doing?

You okay? Oh, God.

- This is absurd!

- It's just the way it is!

This was never supposed

to be permanent.

Why are you doing this?!

You trying to infuriate me?!

You trying to cause as much

anguish as you possibly can?

Oh, stop it, the world

doesn't spin around you.

No, it spins around the boy,

and you're trying

to yank him away from the one

decent Christmas he's ever had

in the middle

of the f***ing night!

That's what this is all about

isn't it, some big spectacle!

Do you know that presents

and all the decorations

in the world,

that doesn't make Christmas.

For a little boy, it does.

No, family makes Christmas.

And I'm his father.

You seem to have forgotten

that I'm your father.

[chuckles] Oh.

Do you want to go there?

No.

Please, at least

stay the night.

["Jingle Bells"

blaring over speakers]

[Erasmus]

Why is the music so loud?!

[mouths words]

- What?!

- [music turns down]

You were shouting.

Oh, yes.

Yes! Yes!

Well, this Christmas looks epic.

Santa has come early.

I'll believe in Santa

if this is what it gets me.

[Erasmus]

Smokin' board.

Why don't we have

a proper breakfast tomorrow?

Um, we should start a brioche.

And then perhaps

something sweet,

a nutty sticky bun.

That means,

"Paul, go make brioche

and a sticky, nutty bun."

Don't I know it?

Who would like a drink?

Bo?

I'm sober.

Ah, yes. So am I.

Unlike you, however, I'm going

to do something about it.

- I'll have a...

- I know.

[car doors close]

[engine starts]

[vehicle departs]

What? What? What is it?

They're gone.

They're gone.

I didn't even get

to say goodbye.

I know.

Me either.

[]

We drove 200 miles

to get here.

You said you would meet us.

All right,

we've been here for hours.

We look like a couple

of child predators.

The only thing we're missing

is a white van.

[sighs]

I apologize for my friend.

We're quite normal.

Do you want some candy?

[Erasmus]

Are you all right?

Well, you sound like

you may have relapsed.

[Bo speaking indistinctly

in phone]

Don't get me wrong.

I used to love cocaine.

Let's talk about

what we have in common. Heh.

All right, let's not.

I'm just saying

that if you need help,

I know a very good

rehab facility

in Tucson, Arizona.

Um, it has a high failure rate,

but the food's terrific,

and the group sessions

are hilarious.

Hello?

Hello...

[phone splashes]

[blues music playing on stereo]

Shall I move the orchid?

It's fine.

[cell phone buzzing]

[Erasmus] Wherever we go,

it's so depressing.

He feels like he has

to pass it on to other people.

It's like having a broom

up his ass.

- [Tino laughs]

- [Erasmus] What's going on...?

Hello.

What's going on in here?

I was in the kitchen,

and I suddenly got very upset.

- Didn't I?

- Yeah.

And Tino was comforting me.

Why is the door closed?

It's not like that, Paul.

Why is the door closed?

Nothing happened, Paul.

I'm bereft about

the child being gone.

So am I.

You didn't even

want him here.

How can you say that?

Shame on you.

You know, you dismiss me

left and right.

But I did all the work.

I was the parent.

You clowned around.

Well, all right then.

You know what,

it doesn't matter.

We're not talking

about the kid.

This is about that.

Has it been going on

since you hired him?

I didn't touch Tino.

Nothing happened.

He was just a shoulder

to cry on.

I'm your shoulder

to cry on.

Anyway, you know what?

It doesn't matter

what happened in there.

It happened before.

Which you admit.

With that gardener.

You admit.

Yes, I admit.

Well, it's going

to happen again.

It won't happen again.

Look, I think

you and I both know

things have been pretty

f***ed up between us

for a long time.

When the kid showed up,

I pretended everything was...

fine.

But I can't pretend anymore.

I can't.

- Paul...

- Listen to me.

You know

that if you were dying,

I would cut the heart

out of my chest for you.

I would die

so that you would live.

That's how much I love you.

That's how much I worship you.

And I think that you

actually know.

You know that.

- And it doesn't matter to you.

- It does matter to me.

It doesn't matter.

And I can't stand it anymore.

You know, I, uh...

I didn't tell you,

but I got a call

the other day from Rachel Ray.

Oh.

What's she like?

I hear she's really nice.

No, not from her.

From my friends

who produce her show.

They, uh... They offered me

a job in New York.

I'm going to take it.

[]

Well, I'm almost done

up here.

I just need to get my books

from your office.

Yeah, I boxed them all up

last night.

Thanks for your help.

[sighs, clears throat]

Did you get a spray tan?

No.

Jemima, had me at

"ski in, ski out."

I'll be there Friday.

No, I can't come Thursday.

I've got to see my lawyer.

Oh, just stupid stuff.

Yeah. You can have

all these bags.

I don't really need them.

Good.

Because they're mine.

Oh.

[sighs]

I... I think this might be

the best thing for both of us.

Well, we had a good run.

Oh, and remember to keep an eye

on the tile guy tomorrow.

I think

he's overbilling us.

[sighs]

I don't give a f***

what you think

about the f***ing tile guy,

you f***ing c*nt!

Oh. And you were

doing so well.

[struggles with handle;

pounds on window]

Please don't leave me.

I can't live without you.

Don't go.

Don't go, please,

please, please, please.

I love you.

I sure hope

he's not talking to me.

[knocks on window]

[pulls on door handle]

Keep driving.

[]

[plane passes overhead]

F***!

[]

[thunder rumbling]

And this motion will be accepted

by the court at this time.

The child shall remain

in the custody

of Erasmus Brumble

and Paul Morgan.

[Erasmus]

Oh, well, I must say,

all that courtroom melodrama

makes a man very hungry.

- [Paul] How are you doing?

- [Bill] I'm hungry, too.

So what shall we eat?

[Paul] Let's not do a whole

thing tonight. I'm exhausted.

Why don't we just pick up

some sushi?

You know, supermarket sushi

is like God shitting

on mankind.

It is everything that

is wrong with this country.

I didn't say

supermarket sushi.

I've never had

supermarket sushi in my life.

Unless it was late at night

and I was blackout drunk

and I don't remember,

and that probably happened.

I could make some sushi.

I did train

with one of the world's

leading sushi chefs.

That was at a demo

at Williams-Sonoma

in Albuquerque.

I was with you.

You know, your version

of events is so pedestrian.

Also known as reality.

Blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah.

Well, why don't we just do

a pasta at home?

I'm trying to avoid wheat

and dairy, Paul.

Oh, really,

is that since you had

the grilled cheese sandwich

for lunch?

It's a constant struggle.

Yes, it most

certainly is.

- [Paul chuckles]

- Guys.

Why don't you ask me

what I want for dinner?

Well, we just assumed

it was Taco Bell.

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