Identity Thief Page #7

I'll tell you, Walt's a lucky guy.

You are such a good person.

Diana?

Diana!

Hello? Daddy?

Daddy. Hello?

Are you there?

F***.

I was just checking our ice.

Morning.

I just have flashes of

hearing an elephant and...

Oh, God. I'm just real sore.

I'll bet you're just torn to sh*t.

Get in the car.

I think he really ripped it.

You might have to look.

I'm going to return the card key

to the front desk.

I'm going to be watching.

If you take a step out of the car,

I'm going to kill you.

I'm serious. Get in the car.

I got to have the keys.

I got to put the air on.

Never going to happen. Swing a leg.

Can you get me some Strawberry Quik?

Because I gotta balance my electrolytes.

If they've got it.

Strawberry Quik.

Hey. Good morning. I'm checking out of 192.

Did you enjoy your stay, sir?

No.

That's good.

Do you sell Strawberry Quik?

Yes. You want some?

Not today.

This coffee over here free?

- Yeah.

- Super.

Creamer used to be 50 cents,

but everyone was stealing it anyway.

Okay.

The interstate is just south of here, right?

Is there a gas...

You f***ing dick!

No, no! God! Ow!

No! Sh*t!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

- Hey.

- Hey, there.

Got her.

See you in an hour?

Yeah, why don't

you bring her to the Atlanta office?

It's right off the 75...

Excuse me, sir. Did you take my friend?

I gotta go. No.

Come on, I saw you take her.

Well, then don't ask me, shithead.

Sandy! Get me out of this f***ing van!

I got it.

Hey! Can you pull over, pal? I need her.

Your girlfriend's in a lot of trouble.

- She's not my girlfriend.

- Watch out.

Hey! You get back there!

Hey, buddy.

That's not Sandy Patterson.

- Yes, it is.

- No, you got the wrong guy.

It's me, I'm Sandy Patterson.

No, Sandy's a girl's name.

It's not, it's unisex!

What, like a hermaphrodite?

Sandy!

F*** you, tranny!

Get me out of this van.

Hey, hey, hey!

Sh*t.

Hey, hey, I got her first. Pull over.

- You can't have her!

- Sh*t!

Sh*t.

Motherf***er.

Listen, God damn it!

- Ram him.

- Do what?

Ram the quarter panel.

I don't have collision on this!

I don't give a sh*t! Ram him!

I'm not doing it.

You son of a b*tch.

- Get in the back!

- No!

Get off of me, you a**hole!

Sh*t.

Did you punch him in the neck?

I can't get him off the wheel.

Pull over to the side.

I can't get him off the wheel. Ram him.

I'm not comfortable with it!

I don't give a sh*t! Ram that panel!

Sh*t.

Hit it harder, you f***ing vagina!

I'm going to be sick.

You okay?

Are you all right? You're bleeding.

- Are you okay?

- Oh, sh*t.

That was so violent.

Tell me you're all right.

I am all right. Yeah.

Okay. All right, okay.

Oh, God.

Okay. All right.

This guy does not look great.

Hey!

Oh, God.

Maybe he's just...

That doesn't look good.

I can't believe I did that.

You did it. You did it.

God, you did it too hard.

I tried a small one on the first one.

And you said... What did you call me?

I called you names, okay?

Your rental car

doesn't even have a scratch on it.

Yeah, that's great news. The car is fine.

What's more important...

God. My glasses were in there.

Well, you've come to the right man.

Anybody looking

to buy or sell anything around here,

they come through me.

All right. How much is this one?

That one is 350,000.

350?

I can get this for 100,000,

easy, at a short sale.

Well, I'm impressed.

Clearly, you both have done your research.

So, I'm also sure that you know

that this is a traditional community.

What this means? "Traditional"?

It means no homosexuals.

It means no foreigners.

It means no blacks.

We are two of those things.

Hey, you two of these things.

I mean, around these parts,

you're basically black.

And a foreigner. I'm just black.

Now, understand, me myself?

I am not a judgmental man.

But you should know

that the buyers and the sellers here,

their values are more...

Traditional.

Bingo, sister.

Traditional, like meeting

whores at hotel bars?

Who are you?

Your whore, she's in a rental car.

We called up our friends in the company,

they look up the Lo-yack.

The what?

LoJack. Foreigners, they can't say "J's."

And they say it's at a hotel.

The people at the hotel gave us a story

about you and another man and her,

all sexing together in a pile.

It's disgusting.

But to answer your question,

the Lo-yack is an excellent product.

It makes our work much easy.

What kind of work?

This our work.

Oh.

Very traditional.

Know what I'm saying, Chuck?

Now, who is she with,

and where is she going?

It's not a true allergy,

but there's definitely a sensitivity.

I need that other roll of tape.

What are you doing? Is he still... Tape?

I need the other roll of tape.

You're taping him?

Oh, Jesus, it's here. Yes, I'm taping him.

No, no. Oh, no!

God damn it!

I told you it was going to overheat.

I said you better coast down the hill.

How am I supposed to

propel down the f***ing highway in neutral?

I said I could show you.

I'm going to give you a juice.

It's fruit punch.

Yeah, that's nice and juicy.

These are nice, I'll tell you that.

God, you keep yourself up.

That's just...

Oh, God, your beard smells like sandwiches.

That's nice.

Okay, listen, the...

Say goodbye to your art project.

The bus station's down the road.

- We can walk it. Let's go.

- Coming.

Wherever you are,

you better believe

I'm going to find you, or die trying.

All right.

I get it, scary, survival, end-of-days guy.

You should be nicer. I gave you juice.

No, it was a van that crashed.

A couple of people got in, drove away.

Kind of an average fella,

short gal, somewhat wide.

Took off north on the 520 right there.

Yeah, I'm fine. We're

still on course, honey.

I don't know. Where Yoda lives.

"These are not the droids

you're looking for."

Remember... Tell her that.

I know it.

Honey, you're breaking up a little bit.

Honey? Hello?

Sh*t.

How's everything going at home?

I don't know.

We didn't get that far.

Because I'm out here.

I guess I should thank you

for saving me back there.

You're a good friend.

I'm not your friend.

I am not your friend, we're not hanging out.

I heard you yell to that guy,

"Did you take my friend?"

Yeah, that's a saying.

You haven't heard that saying before?

Besides, friends don't

steal friends' identities, do they?

You're diabolical.

Well, thanks.

That's not a compliment.

I know.

Here we go. Here we go.

Aw, come on!

You're doing great.

You are going

to have to hide on the next one.

It's clearly you.

Oh, it's me.

I have never been passed up

when I got this thing out.

I don't doubt that you do

real well on the side of the road.

But I don't know why

you're not trusting this.

Stop for one second.

It is only two miles straight through there.

Two miles through the woods?

Yeah. Are you

allergic to woods or something?

Come on, you want to go

10 more miles on this road?

Get some more blisters?

Come on, that's a shortcut.

Yes? There's a yes. Finally.

I knew you were probably wrong.

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