Identity Thief Page #6

We're going to have to figure out

the mattress thing

because even though I

can't have sex with her

due to my cock and balls getting shot off

in an apparent warehouse fire...

Oh, sh*t.

I wouldn't share a bed with her anyway.

I'd much rather sleep on the floor.

Do you want to know why?

Because you got no dick?

Close. It's because she repulses me.

She's the worst person I've ever met.

Screw you. You got a bar?

Yeah, the Foxhole. It's across the lot.

- Thank you.

- You're not going to the Foxhole.

Hey. I don't need to go to Denver.

You need me to go to Denver.

No splitting up.

Do you still want the room?

Yeah, I do, real quick.

F***ing chimp on the loose.

It's not my business,

I'm really sorry about your dick,

but you got to treat your lady better,

or somebody else is gonna.

Appreciate it. Are we

on the set of your talk show right now?

Do you know what? Being nice is a choice.

Can I just get the f***ing key?

Uh... Oh! Are you in a hurry?

Oh, no.

I have to go get this magnetized,

because it wasn't magnetized properly.

This might take a while.

Can I have a double melon ball?

Thanks.

Is that a melon ball?

Yep.

Do you like milkshakes?

I'm just trying to have a drink.

Sorry, that probably sounded

like a dumb pickup line, I apologize.

I don't like milkshakes, I love them.

You're going to flip out over these.

Stu, mix us up two grasshoppers.

Oh!

I'm Big Chuck.

Yes, you are.

I'm Margie.

- Pleasure to make your acquaintance.

- You, too.

I love a man that wears jewelry.

Thank you very much.

I like my turquoise like I like my women,

- American and top-grade.

- Oh!

100%.

100%.

To you.

You know what they say about grasshoppers?

Mmm-mmm.

Hard on the outside

and soft and creamy on the inside.

Oh, I always like soft and creamy.

- I'm soft and creamy.

- I know you are.

Why don't we go make sure

that table's okay?

Looks like it's in danger.

Let me get your bag.

I'd like you to get that,

like you to get that.

I'll just get your drink for you.

- Why don't you get that?

- I'll get that.

You wait here. I'll be right back.

I'm back.

Agile.

Quick like a panther.

- Cheers to you.

- Cheers to you.

Release it. Let it burn.

Mmm! Mmm mmm mmm.

Down it goes.

Hey.

You're here five minutes,

you already made a friend, huh?

This must be Walter.

- Walter.

- Hello.

- Howdy, Walt. I'm Big Chuck.

- Hi, there.

I got to tell you,

this little Margie is quite a lady.

- Oh, "Margie"?

- Sit your ass down.

- Drinks are on me. Stu's going

to set you up. - I wish I could.

Stu, let's get Walt a round.

His dick's broken.

It's much, much too late.

Never mind, Stu. I got to...

Honey, I got to get you out of here.

Here's the thing, I don't want to go.

But it's super late.

We got to get all the way

to St. Louis tomorrow, so...

Then you should go, honey.

But you are with me, honey.

All right, listen up. I don't want to

get between husband and wife.

You're not.

You're not, believe me. Is it Chuck?

- Yeah, Big Chuck.

- Big Chuck.

You're not, Big Chuck. I get it. So, can we?

I think we got a good one.

What is that?

I think we got a good one.

Listen, I'm going to tell you

what's going on.

Walt likes to watch.

Walt's a watcher.

Oh!

No.

You like to spectate, huh?

That's funky, man.

- You like a show?

- He loves it.

- Okay.

- He likes to just plan it all out,

like what he's gonna say

and his little outfit.

His gray shirt

and his stupid hands on his hips.

He's like, "I'm gonna come in and say,

"'What are you doing with my wife? '"

But what he really wants is...

He likes to watch me with other men.

He does?

Yeah, that's how he gets aroused.

You got a little bone-bone now, huh?

I'd really like to go, though.

Here we go. It's time to go. He said so.

Yeah.

And I'm going to go out on the dance floor

and we're going to dance real slow.

No, no, no.

And we're going to dance real close,

and you can stay and watch.

Or you can go. That's your choice.

I can't go. You know I can't go.

Thanks for your help, pal.

Well, well. We got us a watcher.

Ohhh! We got a watcher!

Honey, look.

Walt!

Let's drop this sucker into first.

- Let's take this party up to the room.

- All right.

Do you realize how long it's been

since I've been touched below the waist?

It's been a long time.

You really want me to answer that?

- Ain't happening tonight, either.

- Oh, yes, it is!

- Hey, you snuck up on me.

- Hey!

Come on.

Thanks for the walk home.

We made it, but as you can see,

I am getting ready for bed.

Please say your goodnights.

No, no, meaning, "Leave, please."

Don't shut the door. Leave it...

Good night.

Now what do I do?

Oh, now, this is his favorite part.

Okay.

He likes to be humiliated verbally.

No, I don't.

You little sissy boy. Huh?

It's enough of this.

Sissy boy, huh? You hard now?

I'm inverted.

Now it's time to give him

the Big Chuck show.

No need for the show. Put it back on.

Mmm-mmm. I've had enough show.

Oh! Shake it, shake it, shake it!

Ohhh! Look at him peeking over here.

I can't let her out of my sight.

He's not going anywhere.

You are right in his sweet spot.

Now what do I do?

I want you to take him physically.

Let's not cross a line. Hey, Chas.

- Relax, Walt.

- Friend.

Big Chuck likes to share.

I don't want anything you've got.

Why don't you and me share?

Okay. God damn it.

I'm sleeping in the bathroom.

Oh! Here it comes.

- There it was, right there.

- Uh-oh!

Looks like it's just me and you now.

It sure is.

I'm going to make tonight so special.

Backing up. Oh, no!

You know what?

I'm going to swim in there.

I'm going to make you

one of my special famous cocktails.

Well, I hope that cocktail has a punch.

Oh, you know what? You're going to love it.

I'm going to love it because you made it.

It's going to be so good.

I don't know if I can do this.

Yeah, that's okay.

I wasn't really in the mood for it anyway.

No, I'm sorry.

It's not a big deal.

It's just that I ain't been with another

woman since my wife passed.

And I'm sorry, because here you are,

and you're so beautiful.

And you're so colorful.

You look like Dorothy from The Oz.

Flowers.

And I do, I appreciate y'all

inviting me up here

to your super f***ing weird sexual tryst,

but I'm scared.

Oh, Big Chuck.

I do like you.

I really do.

Margie.

Yes?

I do want to make love to you.

Oh, my God. Take me.

Oh, God!

- Call me Big Papa Huge Time.

- Big Papa Huge Time!

Call me Big Papa Huge Time.

Big Papa Huge Time!

Shut up!

- Oh!

- Oh, God!

Feel the thunder, baby!

Get on top!

F*** me!

- Break my hip!

- I'll break it.

Break my f***ing hip!

Rub it clockwise! Clockwise, clockwise!

- What do you say?

- I say, "Mama."

Stick them both in. Pull them taut.

How many is that? What the hell is that?

Come on!

Stop! Foxhole! Foxhole!

The safe word's "foxhole," God damn it!

Here it comes!

Mmm.

Big Chuck will be

ready for round two in just a minute.

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