Identity Thief Page #5

Let the airline just

have a field day with that, or...

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Son of a b*tch!

Well, we're driving now.

We're driving, then.

Okay.

Oh! I can't believe I missed that.

You've gotta feel so dumb.

Please don't.

Think we just need a little music.

Dude, I can hit this.

Hello? Yeah? What do you got?

Got a runner. Pays 50 K.

- 50 K?

- Uh-huh.

You got a name?

Sandy Patterson.

She skipped a few court dates.

Any leads?

Yeah, she just swiped a credit card

at a place near you called Lady's Choice.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We're closed.

Do you know a Sandy Patterson? A customer?

Used a credit card here

earlier today around 4:00?

You her boyfriend or something?

Oh, no, no.

No. I'm a skiptracer. A collector.

Like a bounty hunter.

I find people that owe money

and I bring them back to where they belong.

Oh, this Sandy, she owe a lot?

Yeah, well, they don't send me for a little.

No, she jumped bail

and I've been hired to bring her back.

I would like to help you out,

but I ain't supposed to

share client information, so...

Of course, I understand.

This is a nice place.

Yeah.

I hear this stuff's pretty flammable.

Be a shame if your

place of employment burned to sh*t.

You want to show me

where that appointment book is?

There you go.

Oh, jeez.

I really do appreciate your help.

Go on. Take it.

Now, how about a smile?

Look at you light up a room.

I'm gonna have a hard time

forgetting that face.

You go on and forget about this one.

Yeah, not what I was planning,

but I will be home

on Sunday or Monday by the latest.

It is what it is, I guess.

How are the girls?

Okay. I love you, too.

I'll call you later. Bye.

How long have you guys been together?

I'm not going to talk about myself.

Or my family. You're never going

to know anything about me.

There's nothing wrong

with being a simple guy.

I'm just a simple gal.

From Wisconsin.

You know? I'm a cheesehead.

Fascinating.

I'm from Morganville.

It's a little, tiny town, but charming.

I don't care.

Mom's 70. Still working.

Dad retired about, I guess, two and a...

I want to say two and a half years.

Two, two and a half...

- Jesus Christ.

- Two and a half years ago.

He was a principal at a middle school.

They sound so normal.

How'd they have

a criminal a**hole for a daughter

who just goes around

wrecking people's lives?

How'd that work out?

I think you're painting it with

the most negative brush possible.

I bet that they would paint it

the same exact way.

- I mean, what you do is...

- I use the system.

- I use the system that's provided...

- You cheat the system.

Now, the fact that I...

No, I do not cheat the system.

I use the system. If there's a loophole,

and I go through the loophole,

I'm not doing anything wrong.

You create a lot of destruction.

You know, it's not my fault

if people don't check their own finances.

All you do is make one call

to the credit card company,

they take the charge off.

It's a victimless crime...

You don't take any accountability for this?

It's not a victimless... I'm a victim!

We're kind of in the midst

of a pivotal moment here, you know?

This is...

I think we might want to take stock of this.

We're kind of bonding.

It's kind of like family,

or brother and sister,

if brother and sister were

pretty attracted to each other.

We are just driving to Denver.

There will be nothing else.

I just thought,

in the spirit of honesty, I'd put out there

that I visually enjoy you.

Hmm.

And I've always, you know,

really liked tall men.

What are you talking... I'm average height.

Not to me, stretch.

Great.

Look at that. See that? "Adventure."

I love that.

When are we going to pull over?

We're not.

You know, they say driving

tired is more dangerous than driving drunk

and that's a statistical fact.

I doubt it.

You know, I drive drunk all the time.

Never had a problem. I slept-drove

once and I smashed into an Arby's.

Take a nap.

- All right. Whatever you say. Going down.

- Thank you.

Uh-oh.

What happened?

You look taller from down here.

Welcome to the Colonnade.

How y'all doing?

Good. We're famished, though.

We just drove all the way from Gibson, so.

You know what, do you think we can maybe

have a booth instead of a table?

It's just it's real hard

for Walt there to sit on a hard chair,

'cause of his accident and he, uh...

You know what I mean? He doesn't...

Just right at the base.

- Okay?

- Okay. Yeah.

Come on.

Oh! This is nice.

It's nice and soft, Walt. You like that.

Just leave me out of the school plays, okay?

I'm not comfortable with it.

Now, I have allotted us each $8 per meal,

so it looks like you can get one of the...

One of the salads or a soup or...

Sorry, I'm quick.

The tomato soup for me,

please. That'll do it.

I'm going to take a full

slab of the baby backs,

and I'm going to take

that with mashed taters,

hushpuppies and I'm

going to have a sweet tea.

The f*** you are.

I don't know what that means.

I asked you to eat less food.

What is wrong with you?

This is a beautiful woman.

You let her eat.

No, he's right.

You know, I've put on a little bit of weight

because of all the stress.

Walter is a fireman.

Yeah. It's okay, it's okay.

He was in a pretty intense...

She doesn't care.

...accident last year,

and he injured his male parts.

- Oh.

- They're just shredded down there.

And now he can't work.

He wants to fight fires,

and he wants to pee standing up.

Don't you want to pee standing up?

I know you do, but he can't.

Just bring two soups.

And he can't lay with me

like a husband should,

on account of the injury.

And I don't even need him to,

but he gets mad at me,

and takes his anger out on me.

And then I feel bad about myself

and I feel ugly, and then I eat.

Lord knows, I know I eat. I know I do.

No, no. You just wait right here,

sweetheart, okay?

Okay.

I'm going to wait right here.

God.

You're breaking the rules.

You understand that?

You're breaking the rules.

Society can't function without rules.

Ah.

You follow the rules, right?

I sure do.

Oh, yeah, how's that working out for you?

Yeah. Hold on just a minute.

This is from the buffet,

and it is on the house.

That's so sweet.

Enjoy your soup.

And if you have to pee,

the ladies' room is right back there.

- God bless you. God bless you.

- All right. Okay, okay.

You know what a sociopath is?

Do they like ribs?

Hey, how you doing?

I need one room, two beds, please.

Oh, sorry.

We only have single beds left tonight.

- Are you kidding me?

- Nope.

We don't really mind.

I mean, it's an inconvenience,

but my husband can't really

digest stuff anyway

because of his intestinal surgery,

so just comp us the mini-bar.

He can digest Pringles.

Right, that's right. I'm Walt.

This is the wife, Myra.

She's a functional idiot.

Wears diapers like a chimp.

I'm running her down to Disneyland.

She loves the noise and the sugar.

He's just tired from the drive.

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