Identity Thief Page #4

wouldn't it, Sandy Bigelow Patterson?

Yeah.

Bigelow is such a rare name.

Well, it's a family name, you know.

It goes back to the Mayflower.

Is that right?

Yeah. Jeremiah Bigelow.

Maybe you've heard of him.

Pretty prominent bear hunter.

- Sounds brave.

- Kind of a big deal.

Here's my license with my name right there.

Sandy Bigelow Patterson.

Gotcha.

Ow! Not my hair, you f***!

You're not going anywhere.

Get out of the car!

Ow! Keep it!

Took the lift out of the crown!

I f***ing just had it done!

No, no, no!

What, are you crazy?

What are you doing?

You're looking for these?

You're not gonna find them, stupid.

See you, Sandy!

Oh, come on.

Hi.

Hey, it's me. Is this a bad time?

No, great time. What's going on, honey?

We just got a call

from a debt collector from Fiat Automotive.

They said we're behind on some payments.

A call from a...

From a debt collector, huh?

I guess she bought herself a car.

Well, honey, that is just...

You sound really weird.

Are you sure you're okay?

Yeah, I'm good.

Okay.

Let's see what kind of crap

you have in your bag, Sandy Patterson.

Here you go. Thanks.

Ooh! Nice.

- Ding-dong!

- Sh*t.

Put it down.

- Now, we're gonna have a little chat.

- Okay.

Okay? We can do it the hard way,

or we can do it the easy way.

I'd like to pick the easy way.

Get over here and give me your wrists.

Okay.

Now, I have a plan...

Sh*t! I'm a lady, you f***ing animal.

Give me your wrist. Stop fighting me.

Yeah, I'll fight it. You

like that? You like that?

How about that? You like hitting girls?

Sandy? This isn't cute, Sandy!

Stay down!

Oh, sh*t!

Sh*t.

Sh*t, sh*t. Ow!

Ha!

Stay down.

You threw like a f***ing girl.

Now, once you hear my plan,

you're gonna wanna come with me.

I'm not going anywhere with you!

- F*** you, Sandy.

- Damn it. Stop right there and listen to me.

No, go home to your shitty wife

and your f***ing dumbass kids.

Stop right there!

Why did you do that?

You did that.

Well, that was not the easy way.

I loved that guitar. I'm gonna sue you.

You're gonna sue me?

Really, you're gonna sue me?

Enjoy the empty accounts.

I'll be taking my car keys.

And what are these?

These are future victims?

Put my sh*t down.

They can thank me later.

Is that how you buy all this crap?

What do you need this for?

You're sick.

This stuff is things I use

for my charity that I help children with.

For the what?

For my children's charity, you dick.

Oh, that makes sense. I apologize.

Now, you're coming with me.

Give me your wrist.

What's your name, by the way?

- Julia.

- Julia?

Diana!

Open the f***ing door!

Sh*t!

Who's that?

Just changing my clothes. I'll be right out!

Don't lie to me.

Those credit cards you sold Paolo were sh*t.

No, no, no, it's a misunderstanding.

It will be so funny

when I explain it to you guys.

You're coming with us, now!

Just give me the car keys.

No, you're not taking the car again.

Sh*t!

Go, go, go!

What? What the...

You little b*tch.

You just make friends

wherever you go, huh?

- Who were those people?

- Don't worry about it.

And what the hell is that?

Is that a bobby pin?

Yep, sure as sh*t is.

You're wasting your time.

That's not coming off.

Yeah, we'll see about that.

How about you just apologize

for getting me shot at?

I'm not gonna apologize for that

because you should not

have broken into my home.

So, it's a little lesson for you, Sandy.

- Pull over.

- I'm not pulling over.

We're going to an airport

and we're taking

the first flight to Denver, Diana.

Why don't you pull over

before I kick your ass again?

As soon as I explain it,

you're gonna come with me. All right?

I'll tell you what, why don't we find a bar,

we calm down a little bit...

I buy you a drink, I talk, you listen?

Does that sound fair?

That sounds fair, Sandy.

You'll behave yourself if we find a bar?

- Oh, totally.

- Great.

Yeah, I'll behave myself

because you will have probably dosed me

with a shitload of Trish Patterson's Xanax.

Hey, when did you get those?

I had two hands down your pants,

and you didn't notice,

so you should deal with that.

F***ing dead below the waist.

You're disgusting.

Just pull the car over.

- Is that what you want?

- Yes.

Jesus Christ, yes.

Here you go. You're sure?

Right in the middle of the highway.

Yeah, right in the middle of the highway.

Really?

All right. I'll tell you what, then.

I'll just call the police

and I'll tell them that there's a criminal

out here with a known warrant

just hanging around the highway.

I got a lot of evidence they'd like to see.

You got nothing.

Hey! I'm calling the police right now.

Good luck, pal. I'll be long gone.

It's ringing.

What are you, a f***ing Kenyan?

Listen, I just need you to talk to my boss.

That's it. And I won't press charges, okay?

I'm losing my job because of you.

- Your job?

- That's right.

I didn't fire you.

- Effectively, you did.

- I don't think I did.

And I don't wanna go to Colorado

and meet your anxious wife.

You're right, she is anxious.

She's very anxious.

You wanna know why?

Because we have two daughters

and a third on the way.

We live in a very, very small apartment,

about half the size

of that house I bet you stole.

Hey, I worked hard for that house.

I'm proud of it.

I have a seven-year amorticized sub-rate...

It's amortized.

Well, I can't get into that.

You're not gonna get it.

Enough, all right?

This is a free trip, okay?

It's on me, all right?

No cops.

All you need to do is

talk to my boss, that's it.

And then we're done.

That's all. It's very simple.

Come on, it's in Denver.

You're gonna love it.

There's nobody shooting at you there.

You stay here, they're gonna find you.

Hey, hey, hey!

Come on.

This is ridiculous.

Sh*t.

You blow a tire?

Yeah, I blew a f***ing tire.

Why don't you rest that in the car?

Put the air on.

I won't talk to the cops.

Right, no cops. I said that.

And don't lie to me.

I'm not. I'm not lying, I swear.

Yeah? You swear on your kids?

Yeah, swear on your kids.

Yes, I swear on my kids.

Shotgun.

I'll need the keys.

Here you go.

Thank you.

- Yeah?

- Did you get her?

Almost.

Almost?

Okay, then I almost won't kill you

when I get out of here.

She's a nobody

who sells credit cards she already used.

We'll get the money back.

It is beyond that, Marisol.

Now, this nobody of yours is

causing me a big problem.

She's become a liability.

One of her cards tipped off the cops.

She gotta go.

You get Julian and you get it done.

Okay, but she's with some guy.

You kill her, you kill him,

you kill anyone you need to.

Okay.

Speed this sh*t up, we gotta go.

- I don't work for you.

- Oh, yes, you do.

Hank!

You got it, Paolo.

So, I was wondering,

how is it that we're getting on that plane?

I already have my ticket,

and I brought cash for yours.

Are we both going

to show our Sandy Bigelow Patterson,

same birthday, everything, at the same time?

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