Idiocracy

[ Man Narrating ]

As the 21 st century began...

human evolution was

at a turning point.

Natural selection, the process by which

the strongest, the smartest...

the fastest reproduced

in greater numbers than the rest...

a process which had once

favored the noblest traits of man...

now began to favor

different traits.

[ Reporter]

TheJoey Buttafuoco case-

Most science fiction of the day

predicted a future that was more civilized...

and more intelligent.

But as time went on, things seemed

to be heading in the opposite direction.

A dumbing down.

How did this happen?

Evolution does not necessarily

reward intelligence.

With no natural predators

to thin the herd...

it began to simply reward those

who reproduced the most...

and left the intelligent

to become an endangered species.

Having kids is such

an important decision.

We're just waiting

for the right time.

It's not something you want

to rush into, obviously.

No way.

Oh, sh*t,

I'm pregnant againl

Sh*t!

I got too many damn kids!

- I thought you was on the pill or some sh*t!

- Hell, no!

Sh*t! I must've been

thinkin' of Brittany.

Brittany?

No, you didn't!

- There's no way we could have a child now.

- Mm-mm.

Not with the market

the way it is, no.

God, no. That just

wouldn't make any sense.

Come on over here, b*tch!

He don't care about you!

Yeah? Well, there must be

somethin' he likes over here.

- She don't mean nothin' to me, baby!

- Clevon!

Oh, sh*t.

It wasn't me! It wasn't me!

Well, we finally decided

to have children...

and I'm not pointing fingers,

but it's not going well.

And this is helping.

I'm just saying that before I have in vitro,

maybe you should be willing to-

It's always me, right?

Well, it's not

my sperm count.

Yeah! Yeah!

I'm gonna f*** all y'all!

That's my boy!

Whoo! Whoo!

Clevon is lucky

to be alive.

He attempted to jump

a Jet Ski from a lake...

into a swimming pool

and impaled his crotch on an iron gate.

But thanks to recent advances

in stem cell research...

and the fine work of Doctors Krinski

and Altschuler...

Clevon should regain

full reproductive function.

Get your hands

off my junk!

Unfortunately, Trevor passed away

from a heart attack...

while masturbating...

to produce sperm

for artificial insemination.

But I have

some eggs frozen...

so just as soon as the right guy

comes along, you know-

[ Clevon Shouting ]

[ Narrator]

And so it went for generations...

although few, if any,

seemed to notice.

But in the year 2005, in a military base

just outside of Washington, D. C... .

A simple army librarian

was unknowingly...

about to change the entire course

ofhuman history.

Come on, a**hole!

Go on! Take him to jail!

Hey, Bauers.

This is Peterson,

your new replacement.

- My what? I'm gettin' replaced?

- Yeah, they didn't tell you?

- No.

- Some new assignment.

They're being all weird

and hush-hush about it.

I don't want a new assignment.

I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time.

- I'm good at this.

- Good at what? Sittin' on ass?

No one ever comes in here.

Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me.

No one bothers me. I can't screw up.

If I can just stay in here another eight years,

I get my pension.

I'm all set. Can you just

get me out of this?

No way. Not this time.

It's coming from high up.

Jesus. I don't understand.

Why me?

Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow,

or get out of the way," I get out of the way.

When he says that, you're not supposed

to choose "get out of the way."

It's supposed to embarrass you

into leading or at least following.

That doesn't

embarrass me.

Look, Joe.

You don't have a choice.

You're just gonna

have to follow.

Like, follow me upstairs,

like, now.

Right now?

Shouldn't I train this guy?

I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass

and watch TV all day. Let's go.

[ Man ]

Gentlemen, meetJoe Bauers...

our first subject for the Human

Hibernation Experiment.

Now, as you know,

throughout the years...

many of our best pilots,

soldiers and military leaders...

often go their entire careers

without ever seeing battle.

With the Human Hibernation Rroject,

we will be able to save our best men...

frozen in their prime,

for use when they are needed most.

Joe, here, is not

one of our best men.

Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily

for how remarkably average he is.

Extremely average in every

category. Remarkable, truly.

The most average person

in our entire armed forces.

Additionally, he has no family,

is unmarried...

is an only child,

and both parents are deceased...

making him an ideal candidate,

with no one to ask any nosy questions...

should something go wrong

with the experiment.

We had a little less luck in finding a female

researcher's dream within our ranks...

and were forced to look

into the private sector.

This is Rita. LikeJoe,

she has no immediate family.

Rita agreed to participate

in this experiment...

in exchange for dropping

of certain criminal charges and a small fee.

We did, however, have to come

to an arrangement with her pimp...

a gentleman who goes by the name

Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly-

With two D's, as he says,

for a double dose of this pimping.

Upgrayedd agreed

to loan us Rita for exactly one year...

and keep quiet on the matter,

in exchange for certain leeways...

with the local authorities

in running his pimp game.

First, however, there was

the difficult challenge of gaining his trust.

Collins, could we skip

to the technicals, please?

Sure.

Let me just finish here.

You see, a pimp's love is very different

from that of a square.

Collins!

Fine. We'll move on.

It is a fascinating

world though.

Jesus, Collins.

Yeah, that's-

[ Clears Throat ]

Anyway, the experiment

in which these two subjects...

are to be placed

into a dry freeze...

for exactly one year

is set to begin tomorrow.

As you know,

this is highly classified.

However, if successful, we believe humans

can be stored indefinitely.

So this is kinda crazy, huh?

- What unit are you with?

- Oh, I ain't in the service.

Oh, private sector.

Okay.

- So, uh, what do you do?

- A little of this, a little of that.

Wow, that's great.

You know, I really envy people

that can make a living that way-

doing a little of this

and a little of that.

I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen.

He used to make chainsaw sculptures...

and then he'd sell 'em

at the flea market.

Yeah.

So, uh, you an artist

or somethin'?

- Uh, yeah.

- You do paintings or-

- Yeah, paintings.

- Okay, great.

- Mm-hmm.

- What do you paint mostly?

I don't know, just...

people and fruit and sh*t.

Wow. Well, must be great to be able

to make a living doing something you love.

[ Scoffs ]

Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

- [ Door Opens ]

- [ Collins ] Who wants to go first?

Me.

- [ Machinery Whirring ]

- What the f- Oh, hell, no. Uh-uh.

Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that

with the I.V. S attached and all.

- What's the matter?

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