Idiocracy Page #2

- Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me

they'd be putting me...

in no damn coffin

with tubes and sh*t!

Oh, no, don't worry about it.

It'll be safe. Trust me.

Who's Upgrayedd?

He's my boyfriend.

Man, how do you know

this sh*t's safe?

These guys know what they're doing.

Don't worry.

They've tested it on dogs

and everything.

What happens is, the drugs will kick in,

we drift off to sleep...

we wake up in a year,

you'll be paintin' again.

- It'll be fine.

- All right.

Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name.

Is he Dutch?

See, 'cause I knew this,

uh, Dutch exchange student.

His name was Untgrad.

Okay, my niggas,

we're almost set here.

Just go ahead

and lie down. Relax.

[ Equipment Beeping ]

See you in a year.

[ Narrator]

The Human Hibernation Rroject...

was one of the army's most

ambitious experiments...

and one of its most secretive.

But it was not immune

from human error.

Freeze!

[ Groans ]

Soon after Collins's arrest

and the massive scandal that followed...

the base was closed.

It hadn't even been a year,

and the entire project was simply forgotten.

Things looked bleak forJoe,

but they were even worse for mankind.

As Joe and Rita lay dormant,

the years passed...

and mankind became stupider

at a frightening rate.

Some had high hopes

that genetic engineering...

would correct this

trend in evolution.

But sadly, the greatest minds

and resources...

were focused on conquering hair loss

and prolonging erections.

[ Orangutan Chattering ]

Meanwhile, the population exploded,

and intelligence continued to decline...

until humanity was incapable

of solving even its most basic problems.

Like garbage, which had been stacked

for centuries with no plan whatsoever...

leading to the Great Garbage

Avalanche of 2505...

which would set in motion the events

that would change the world forever.

[ Backup Warning Beeping ]

- Hold on.

- [ Man On TV] Next, on The Violence Channel...

an all-new Owl My Ballsl

[ Screaming ]

- All right. [ Chuckling ]

- [ Beeping ]

- [ Snarling ]

- [ Screaming ]

[ Chuckling ]

[ Groans ]

[ Man Watching TV]

That guy got hit in the balls.

Ow, my balls!

- [ Groans ]

- [ Man On TV Screaming ]

Huh?

[ Groaning ]

- [ TV. :
Tires Squealing, Man Screaming ]

- [ Man Watching TVLaughs ]

- [Joe] Where's-

- Hold on. Shut up!

[ Man Laughing ]

[ Tires Squealing ]

- Where's Officer Collins?

- Shut up!

[ Man On TV] Next week on Ow! My Balls! ,

Hormel goes to Rarisl

- Are we on base?

- I'm gonna base your ass on my fist.

In your face, ass!

Shut up.

I'm sorry. It's just-

Where am I?

Shut up!

I told you already!

[ Flushes ]

Yeah! Wouldn't shut up!

Come in here

and not shut up.

Yeah, you were like,

"I'm not shuttin'up,"and I was like-

[ Narrator]

Unaware of what year it was...

Joe wandered the streets,

desperate for help.

But the English language

had deteriorated...

into a hybrid ofhillbilly, valley girl,

inner-city slang and various grunts.

- Joe was able to understand them...

- [ Indistinct ]

But when he spoke

in an ordinary voice...

he sounded pompous

and faggy to them.

[ Man On R.A.]

Raging Doc-[ Slurring ]

Report to, uh-

Dr. Lueboo...

uh, report.

- Your floor-Your floor is now clean.

- [ Beeping ]

Your floor-

Your floor is now clean.

Your floor-

Your floor is now clean.

Hi, uh, I was in an army experiment,

and I'm not feeling so well.

I think it might have been

the drugs they had me on.

I've been hallucinating.

My head is just killin'me.

My-My-My joints

are all achy and l-

Is this a hospital or-

- Actually, I don't even know where I am.

- [ Beeps ]

[ Electronic Voice] Rlease proceed

to the diagnostic area on the right...

- and have a healthy dayl

- Oh. Thanks.

Thank youl

Uh, 'scuse me. I think this

might be Gatorade or somethin'.

- I was just looking for some regular water.

- Water?

- Yeah.

- You mean like in the toilet? What for?

You know, just to drink.

[ Laughing ]

[ Continues Laughing ]

- [ Electronic Tune]

- [ Electronic Voice] You've got hepatitisl

Oh, is someone not

feeling well?

Your illness

is very important to us.

- [ Man ] Next.

- [ Electronic Voice] Welcome

to the Healthmaster Inferno...

- powered byJormi Technology.

- Uh, this goes in your mouth.

This one goes in your ear.

And this one goes in your butt.

Come on.

- Hurry up, assholel

- Come onl

- [ Beeping ]

- Sh*t. Hang on a second.

This one- No.

- Hey, come on.

- Uh-

- Hurry up!

- This one. This one goes in your mouth.

Come on!

[ Electronic Voice] Thank you for waiting.

Dr. Lexus will be with you shortly.

That's a weird misprint.

Hey.

How's it hang, ese?

Yeah. Right.

Well, not so good, you know.

I don't really know what's going on,

but I'm seein' things.

I think it might be because of

these drugs the army put me on.

But, if you could, uh, just get me

well enough to get back to base-

Right. Kick ass.

Well, don't wanna sound

like a dick or nothin'...

but, uh, it says on your chart

that you're f***ed up.

You talk like a fag,

and your sh*t's all retarded.

What I'd do is just like,

like, you know...

like, you know what I mean? Like-

[ Chuckles ]

- No, I'm serious here.

- [ Chuckles ] Don't worry, scrot.

Now there are plenty of'tards

out there living really kick-ass lives.

My first wife was 'tarded.

She's a pilot now.

I need for you to be serious

for a second here, okay? I need help.

There's that fag talk

we talked about.

All right, so that'll be...

this many dollars.

And if you could just go ahead and,

like, put your tattoo in that sh*t.

That's weird. This thing has the same

misprint as that magazine.

- What are the odds of-

- Where's your tattoo? Tattoo?

Why don't you have this?

Oh, God.

- Where's your tattoo?

- Oh, my God.

Why come you don't

have a tattoo?

- [Joe] Oh, my Godl

- You're not unscannable, are you?

Oh, my God!

- You're unscannable.

- [ Alarm Wailing ]

- Unscannable!

- No! No, you don't understand!

You gotta let me talk

to someone in the armyl Wait a second.

They're all dead.

Everybody I know's dead!

Oh, my God! Oh!

- [ Screaming ]

- [ Screaming ]

- No! Stop! Calm down!

- Calm down! Calm down!

- How'd this happen?

- How did it happen?

- [ Alarm Continues ]

- Your floor is now clean.

Your floor is now clean.

[ Narrator]

Joe had awakened to a world in crisis.

The economy was

in a state of deep neglect.

A great dust bowl

had ravaged food supplies.

And the number one movie

in the country was called Ass.

[ All Laughing ]

And that's all it was

for 90 minutes.

[ Movie. :
Farting ]

It won eight Oscars that year,

including best screenplay.

[ Electronic Voice ]

Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries.

You didn't gimme no fries.

I got an empty box.

Would you like another

Extra Big-Ass Fries?

I said I didn't get any.

[ Electronic Voice]

Thank you. Your account has been charged.

Your balance is zero.

- What? Oh, no. No!

- Please come back when you

can afford to make a purchase.

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