Idiocracy Page #3

- [ Beeping ]

- I'm sorry you're having trouble.

- Come on! My kids are starvin'.

- I'm sorry you're having trouble.

[ Buzzes ]

This should

help you calm down.

Please come back when you

can afford to make a purchase.

Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr. Believes

no child should go hungry.

You are an unfit mother. Your children

will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr.

Carl's Jr.

"F*** you. I'm eating."

Welcome to Carl's Jr.

Would you like to try

our Extra Big-Ass Taco...

now with more molecules?

Heyl Is this particular

individual the unfit mother?

- Me? No.

- Okay. This particular individual is unscannable.

Listen, I can explain, okay?

I was in an army experiment.

Wait a second. There's the other pod

from the army experiment.

There was a girl.

She was from the same experiment.

- Yeah, that's enough of your bullshit, sir.

- [ Groaning ]

[ Narrator] Joe was arrested for not

paying his hospital bill...

and not having

his U.R.C. Tattoo.

He would soon discover that

in the future, justice was not only blind...

but had become

rather retarded as well.

You shut up! Now-

[ Clears Throat ]

I'm fixin' to commensurate

this trial here.

We gonna see if we can't

come up with a verdict up in here.

Now, since y'all

say you ain't got no money...

we have "proprietarily"

obtained for you...

one of them

court-appointed lawyers.

So, put your hands together

and give it up for Frito Rendejo.

You're my lawyer?

Says here you, uh,

robbed a hospital?

- Why'd you do that?

- Yeah. I'm not guilty.

- That's not what the other lawyer said.

- What do you mean what the-

Listen, you gotta get me

on the stand, okay?

I can explain everything. We can take 'em

to your house, show 'em the pod.

Shut upl Shut upl Shut upl

Now, prosecutor,

why you think he done it?

Okay, number one, Your Honor,

just look at him.

[ All Laughing ]

- He talks like a fag too.

- [ Laughing Continues ]

And "B," we've got all this,

like, evidence...

of how, like, this guy didn't

even pay at the hospital.

And I heard that he doesn't

even have his tattoo.

- [ Crowd Grumbling ]

- I know!

And I'm all, "You've gotta be shittin' me."

But check this out, man.

Judge should be like, "Guilty."

Peace.

[ Crowd Cheering ]

- Objection!

- What are you objectifyin' on?

- Come on. Just get me on the stand.

- Okay.

- Um, Your Honor?

- Hmm?

I object...

that this guy also broke

my apartment to sh*t.

- Yeah.

- What?

And you know what else? I object that

he's not gonna have any money to pay me...

after he pays back all the money

he stole from the hospitall

Don't say I stole.

You're my lawyer.

And I object.

I object that he interrupted me

while I was watching Ow! My Balls!

- [ All Booing ]

- That is not okay! And I rest my case!

Your Honor, I'm pretty sure

we have a mistrial here, sir.

- I'm gonna mistrial my foot up

your ass, you don't shut up.

- [ All Laughing ]

- Please, listen.

- "Please, listen."

- [ All Laughing ]

- I didn't steal anything.

I was part of an army

experiment-

[ Narrator]

Joe stated his case logically and passionately...

but his perceived effeminate voice

only drew big gales of stupid laughter.

- Guilty!

- [ Crowd Cheering ]

Without adequate legal representation,

Joe was given a stiff sentence.

Meanwhile, Rita had awakened

to find that the world's oldest profession...

was a lot easier when the world

is populated by morons.

Was a lot easier when the world

is populated by morons.

[ Female Voice ] Welcome to AOL, Time Warner,

Taco Bell, U.S. Government long distance.

Please say the name

of the person you wish to call.

Upgrayedd.

There are 9,726 listings

for Upgrayedd.

Please deposit $2,000

to begin connection.

- Man, what?

- Oh, yeah, baby.

Hey, look, can you just-

can you wait a second, please?

Oh, yeah, baby.

I can wait so good.

Really?

Think, uh-You think maybe

you could wait a day?

Baby, I can wait two days.

Huh. That's good,

'cause I charge by the hour.

Oh, yeah? Well, you gonna be glad

you waited, baby.

Thank you very much,

young man.

What the f***?

Goddamn, sh*t's changed

in a year.

What are we doin' here?

Okay, sir, we're engaged

in procuring your tattoo.

[ Electronic Voice ] Welcome to

the Identity Processing Program of America.

Please insert your forearm

into the forearm receptacle.

- Thank you.

- [ Mechanical Whirring ]

Please speak your name as it appears

on your current federal identity card-

- Document number G24L8.

- I'm not sure if-

You have entered the name "Not Sure."

Is this correct, Not Sure?

- No, it's not correct.

- [ Dings ]

Thank you. "Not" is correct.

Is "Sure" correct?

- No, it's not. My name is Joe-

- [ Beeping ]

You've already confirmed

your first name is Not.

- Rlease confirm your last name, "Sure."

- My-

- My last name is not Sure.

- [ Dings ]

- Thank you, Not Sure.

- No. What I mean is my name is Joe.

Confirmation is complete. Please wait

while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.

- Wait a second. Can we start over?

Can I cancel this?

- [ Buzzing ]

Can we cancel this and just go back

to the beginning?

They're gonna tat-

Ow. Could I speak to your supervisor?

- Ow!

- Please hold still for your photograph.

- [ Whirring ]

- [ Beeping ]

Oh, that's f***in' great.

Okay, sir...

now we will begin to proceed

to obtain your I.Q. And "apitude" tests.

What for?

Okay, sir, this is to figure out

what your "aptude's" good at...

and get you a jail job while

you're being a particular individual in jail.

[ Electronic Voice ]

If you have one bucket that holds two gallons...

and another bucket

that holds five gallons...

how many buckets

do you have?

Two?

Thank you.

[ Man Singing ]

[ Continues ]

'Too.

[ Continues ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Ends ]

[ Narrator]

Desperate and scared...

Joe used his superior

intelligence...

to come up with the best

escape plan he could think of.

Hi. Excuse me. I'm actually supposed

to be getting out of prison today, sir.

Yeah.

You're in the wrong line,

dumb ass. Over there.

I'm sorry. I am being

a big dumb ass. Sorry.

Hey, uh,

let this dumb ass through.

[ Beeping ]

[ Warning Buzzer Buzzing ]

[ Door Closes ]

- 'Too.

- Yeah. Got it.

[ Beeping ]

Uh, yeah, I don't see you in here.

So, you're gonna have to, uh, stay in prison.

Could you check again?

'Cause, I was, you know-

I was definitely in prison, okay?

I got sat on my face and everything.

Maybe check those files back there?

- [ Alarm Blaring ]

- [ Electronic Voice] "Excape." "Excape."

"Excape." "Excape."

"Excape." "Excape."

[ Man Singing ]

[ Ends ]

[ Man ]

The Masturbation Network.

Keepin' America 'batin'

for 300 years.

- And now, Sweet Bang Tube.

- [ Squeaking On TV]

- Oh, yeah, give me some. Cut me a piece.

- [ Squeaking Continues ]

- Oh, yeah, that's-

- [ Knocking ]

Go away! 'Batin'!

[ Knocking Continues ]

Damn it.

- [ Knocking ]

- All right.

Hey. Hey, get out of here.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes