Idiocracy Page #4

Hey, get out of here!

No, wait, listen. You let me,

an innocent man, get thrown in jail.

So? Shut up,

'cause you broke my house.

Hey, I could have you disbarred-

disbarred- for what you did to me.

Then maybe you'd go to jail

for not havin' any money.

Oh, really?

Yeah, really. Now, look.

Okay, here's the deal.

I've been thinking.

It's been 500 years.

Someone has to have invented a way

to travel back in time by now.

You know, I think they were pretty close

even in my day. You know?

- With Einstein and guys like that?

- Uh-huh.

- You know, scientists? You know?

- Uh.

A time machine,

for time travel.

- Do they have one?

- What?

[ Tires Squealing,

Car Crashing In Distance]

Jesus. I knew that was

too much to hope for.

No, no, they got

a time machine.

- They do?

- Yeah.

- Are-Are-Are you sure?

- Yeah.

- Can it get me back to 2005?

- Oh, yeah, but it's, like, really expensive.

And it breaks all the time 'cause

some smart guy made it a long time ago.

I don't care.

Just get me there, okay?

- Well-

- Please!

Listen, l- l-

I "supersize" with you...

but didn't you go to jail

for not havin'enough money?

Okay, how about this? You get me

to the time machine, and when I get back...

I open a savings account

in your name.

That way, 500 years later,

it'll be worth billions.

- Billionsl

- 'Cause?

'Cause of the interest,

it'll be worth billions of dollars.

- Oh, l- I like money.

- Yeah.

- How many billions?

- Like, 10.

Yeah, suck one.

Time machine costs, like, 20.

Yeah? Okay.

Uh, 30, Frito.

Thirty billion dollars.

Thirty billion.

So if you gave me 30 billion...

and the time machine's 20-

What's the minus

of 30 and 20?

Uh, it's, uh-

it's 80, Frito.

It's $80 billion.

That's a mighty big minus, isn't it?

- Yeah. I like money though.

- [ Man ] Rolicel Open the doorl

- [ Banging On Door]

- We're looking for an "excaped"individual.

- This particular individual's name is Not Sure.

- Eighty billion.

Oh, um, he-

He's... somewhere else.

- You got something I can wear?

- Yeah. There's Pro-Wear on the top,

assorted in the middle.

[ Roliceman ]

A Coke machine in the vicinity caught his tattoo.

Seemed to be heading

for this particular "domistile."

- [ Banging ]

- Okay, sir, we're comin'in.

- No, you can't come in.

- Can tool

- Come on!

- All right, let's go get my billions.

[ Banging Continues ]

Oh, okay, one more thing. We gotta go find

this girl, Rita, first, okay?

- Is she bangin'?

- Yeah, sure, she is.

That wasn't really

part of the deal.

- Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another

couple billion, all right?

- I like money.

Okay, her pod's up here on the right.

She shouldn't be far away, I hope.

Mmm, girl. Oh, yeah?

So when we gonna do it?

'Cause you been chargin' me by the hour,

and it's been, like, three days.

Oh, yeah. Soon, baby, soon.

Hey, you know what?

Why don't you

come back tomorrow?

- Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah!

- Yeah?

When I finally utilize you,

you gonna be paying me.

That's right.

Whatever you say, sir.

- Hey, you still on the clock!

- Yeah, girl.

- Thank you!

- Rita!

Rita! It's me, Joe, from the experiment.

Get in the car! Come on.

Oh, yeah!

What the hell, man?

Just get in the car.

I'll explain everything.

- Where we going?

- Just get in the car.

- Trust me.

- What happened to those army guys?

- [ Siren Blaring ]

- Wait a minute. You got cops after you?

- Yeah.

- And you made me get in the car?

I got two strikes, a**hole!

Frito, take a right here.

Right, right!

Into that dust storm,

Frito.

[Joe]

They must have just forgotten about us.

[ Rita ]

It's been 500 years? Oh, hell, nol

Upgrayedd is gonna kill me! He gets mad

when I'm a day late with his money!

So, you owe

your boyfriend money?

Well, yeah,

he's sort of my manager too.

You know, he helps me sell

the paintings and sh*t.

Look, Rita, you gotta understand that

Upgrayedd's been dead for a long time now.

- Yeah, man, but you said there

was a time machine, right?

- Yeah.

Yeah, there's a time machine

now that can take us back to the past...

but there was no

time machine back then, so-

Upgrayedd don't care where

the time machine is. Now, then, last week-

He will find a way

to come get his money!

- All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it-

- You know what?

Last time you told me not to worry

was 500 goddamn years ago...

when you were trying to tell me

to get into some coffin.

- Look, Rita, I don't know

how this happened, okay?

- [ Buzzing ]

But I'm doing everything I can

to get us back there, okay? I promise you.

[ Electronic Voice] You are harboring

a fugitive by the name of Not Sure.

Please, pull over and wait for the police

to incarcerate your passenger.

- Hell, no. You know what? Let me outta here.

- Thank you for your help.

If you don't have one of these,

they're gonna throw you in jail.

You don't want to get thrown in the jails here.

I've been in them.

They're bad. You're better off being with us,

as bad as that sounds.

- What are you doing? Why are we slowing down?

- Turned off my battery.

Look, how far is it?

Can we just take a cab or something?

[ Machine-gun Fire]

Oh, sh*t.

[ Explosion ]

Oh! Oh, sh*t!

- [ Cheering ]

- Yeah!

What the hell's wrong

with you? That's your car.

[ Frito ]

Oh, hell, yeahl He's on firel

Come on!

Let's get out of here.

[ Rita ]

Hey, how much farther is it?

Uh, it's, like, far.

Man, I could really

go for a Starbucks, you know?

Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time

for a hand job, Joe.

[ Singing ]

Man, he don't seem too bright.

You sure he knows where he's going?

I sure hope so.

He's our only chance.

- [ Continues ]

- How'd you hook up with this guy, anyway?

He's my lawyer.

And he's not a very good one either.

[Joe]

He's a goddamned idiot.

There's a shuttle down in the Costco.

It'll drop us right by the time machine.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, look. One more thing.

He thinks he's gonna get billions of dollars

if he takes us there.

So if he mentions anything about

a savings account, just play along, okay?

Yeah, what if this

time machine don't work?

Then I'll spend

the rest of my life trying to fix it.

Welcome to Costco. I love you.

Welcome to Costco. I love you.

Welcome to Costco.

I love you.

- [ Goats Bleating ]

- [ Duck Quacking ]

Shuttle's down there in electronics,

about an hour from here.

[ Rita ] We've been walking forever.

You sure you know where you're going?

Yeah, I know this place pretty good.

I went to law school here.

In Costco?

Yeah. I couldn't

believe it myself.

Luckily, my dad was an alumnus

and pulled some strings.

Hey, come on, Joe.

I already told you...

we'd all like a hand job,

but we don't have time for it.

[ Woman ]

Hey, baby, wanna go out?

Wanna go out, honey?

Shuttle comes every few minutes.

Shouldn't be long.

- Do I got time to use the bathroom?

- [ Laughing ]

[ Imitates Farting, Chuckles ]

- [ Frito ] Uh, the toilet.

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