Idiocracy Page #5

- Be right back.

Yeah,

back that thing up.

- Hey, you mind if I pound on that, Joe?

- What?

- I like having sex with chicks.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- I think everybody does, Frito.

Not like I do. Like when you

get it like this, sideways.

Then you just, like,

back it up. And then you-

- That's real good.

- Then you- Oh, yeahl

Stop! You're gonna

get us caught, okay?

- [ Alarm Blaring ]

- [ Electronic Voice] Warningl Warningl

Costco has detected a dangerous

fugitive in aisle 16,702.

Hey! What about Rita?

We can't just leave her here.

I don't care.

Come on!

- [ Sirens Wailing ]

- Oh, sh*t. Wait a second. What are we gonna do?

Wait, okay, I know.

Here's what we do.

We go to the time machine,

then when I get back to the past...

I tell her not

to do the experiment.

- Then she won't even be here. That'll work, right?

- Uh-

- No, wait.

- [ Electronic Voice]

Rlease stand clear of the doors.

She already is here. That must mean

I didn't go back in time, right?

- Uh-

- No, wait, hold on. It just

means I haven't done it yet.

Okay, so I go back and I tell

her not to do the experiment.

Then I won't have to do it either

because she won't be here.

- Then I won't have to

come back and save her, right?

- L-

- But then, wait. Why am I still here?

- Uh-

Goddamn, how does

this time travel work?

- Rlease stand clear.

- [ Policeman ] Freeze! Hands up! Don't move!

- Put your hands up!

- Don't move! Freeze!

Look, if you guys are

taking me back to that jail...

just go ahead and shoot me,

'cause there's no way-

Ow! F***! Ow! Ow!

- What?

- Ow! Ow. Ow. Ow.

- [ Roliceman ] What?

- [ Spraying ]

- [Joe] Owl Godl Hey, stopl

- Damn it.

- [Joe] What is this?

- [ Roliceman ] Okay, sir, this is the White House.

- What are we doing at the White House?

- What?

- [ Spraying ]

- Owl Owl Goddamnl

[ Narrator] It turned out the results

ofJoe's I.Q. Test...

had caught the attention

of the highest levels of government.

Okay, wait a minute. I'm the smartest guy

in the world? Says who?

The I.Q. Test you

took in prison.

You got the highest score in history.

Brought to you by Carl's Jr.

Yeah, dumb ass, you're even smarter

than Rresident Camacho.

That's how come he's making

you secretary of interior.

Okay, so who are you?

I'm the secretary of energy.

He won a contest.

Got to be a cabinet member.

I'm the secretary of state.

Brought to you by Carl's Jr.

- Why do you keep saying that?

- 'Cause they pay me every time I do.

It's a really good way to make money.

You're so smart, why don't you know that?

[ All Chuckling ]

- He's the secretary of defense.

- Hi.

And, uh, funbags over there

is the attorney general.

[ Whispers ]

Hi.

And that's

the secretary of education.

He's kinda stupid, but he's

Rresident Camacho's stepbrother.

Still, he does

a pretty good job, eh?

You know, I think there's been

some kind of mistake...

'cause the test I took

was real, real easy.

I'm not the smartest guy

in the world. Okay?

Okay, even if that were true,

I can't be the secretary of the interior.

- I don't even know what it is.

- [ Secretary of State] You better find out.

- Sit down. It's President Camacho.

- Hey, hey, hey, yo...

I gotta take care of some "bidness,"baby,

so I need y'all to wait outside.

[ Narrator] Dwayne Elizondo Camacho,

five-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion...

porn superstar, and president

of the United States...

had called a special summit

with the smartest man in the world.

- So you smart, huh?

- No, no.

- I thought your head would be bigger.

- [ Muttering ]

Goddamn.

- It look like a peanut.

- [ All Laughing ]

Let's get you sworn in.

[ Rock Instrumental ]

[ Announcer]

Ladies and gentlemen, the president of Americal

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Announcer]

Rresident Camachol

[ Laughing ]

Shut up.

- Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down.

- [ Ends ]

Chill out.

Sh*t.

I know sh*t's bad right now

with all that starvin'bullshit.

And the dust storms. And we runnin'

out of French fries and burrito coverings.

And the dust storms. And we runnin'

out of French fries and burrito coverings.

[ Man ]

Yeah!

- But I got a solution.

- That's what you said last time, dipshit!

I got a solution.

You're a dickl

- South Carolina, "whassup?"

- [ All Cheering ]

That's what I thought!

Now, I understand everyone's

sh*t's emotional right now...

but listen up.

I got a three-point plan

to fix everything.

[ Man ]

Break it down, Camachol

Number one,

we got this guy, Not Sure.

- Number two, he's got a higher

I.Q. Than any man alive.

- [ Cheering ]

- And number three, he's gonna fix everything.

- [ Applause]

I give you my word

as president.

He'll fix the problems

with all the dead crops.

He's gonna

make 'em grow again.

- Crops?

- And that ain't all. I give you my word.

[ Electric Guitar]

He's gonna fix

the dust storms too.

I give you my word.

He's gonna

fix the "ecomony."

[ Electric Guitar Continues ]

And he's so smart...

- he's gonna do it all in one week.

- [ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Narrator] Rresident Camacho stood before

the world and promised everyone...

thatJoe would solve

all their problems.

He would not only end the dust bowl

and heal the economy...

but he would cure acne

and carsickness as well.

And ifhe didn't...

Rresident Camacho

made another promise.

He would kick Joe's smart balls

all the way up to the roof ofhis smart mouth.

- And then, he would throw

his brainy ass back in jail.

- [ Shouting ]

I should, uh, be honest

with you, Mr. President.

I don't know how to be

secretary of anything.

I mean, I've never

even voted, actually.

I don't know what the secretary

of the interior even is.

Come on, scrot. Don't be a p*ssy.

It beats jail, don't it?

Besides,

you do a kick-ass job...

you get a full

presidential pardon.

- No jail time. [ Laughing ]

- Yeah?

F***, yeah!

Now gimme a beer.

And get you one too.

[ Laughing ]

Sh*t!

[ Laughing ]

Hold on, vatol

- Whool

- [ Engine Revving ]

[ Laughing ]

- Do somethin' smart.

- Yeah.

Uh, okay.

Uh-

- I'll, uh-

- [ Door Opens ]

- Hey, we found that lawyer you wanted.

- Oh, okay. Great, thanks.

Uh, right now, I'm going to, uh, you know,

confer with my counsel.

You understand?

So I'll be right back.

Gotta go, uh, work on some crop stuff,

get that taken care of.

- Hopefully get it worked out

by the time we get back here.

- Sounds pretty smart.

Wait here, okay?

Wait there.

Dude, this is trepidatious.

You got me a room at the White House.

Everyone gets laid at the White House.

Everyone.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

I'm real glad you're happy to be here, Frito,

but I brought you here to help me.

I don't know the first thing

about growin'crops...

much less

the goddamn "ecomony."

Econ-Economy.

Let's see.

Growin' crops-

No, I just need you to tell me

how to get to the time machine.

Oh, that's easy.

You go down by the museum and stuff.

It's, like-

It's, like, by the museum...

sort of, but, well,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes