Idiocracy Page #6

actually, not really.

More like- But on the street. You go, um-

Wait. Let me start over.

Okay, you know

where the time machine is?

Hey. Just draw me

a map, okay?

You still want the money?

Oh. If I had some money

and a room at the White House...

- I would be like, "It's mine, all night!"

- Listen. Cut it out!

Listen, I told these people

that you were smart, okay?

- So act smart!

- Smart like you?

[ With Effeminate Voice] "Oh, I gotta go

to the time machine. I wanna go home. "

- I don't talk like that.

- "I don't talk like that."

Sh*t, I thought

there was two of you.

[ Laughs ]

See?

[ Secretary of Defense]

Doesn't look that big, is it?

Okay. Let's go take a look

at those crops.

Especially the ones, uh, you know,

out around the museum area.

All right?

Hey, come on!

Now, you either lead, follow,

or get out of the way. All right?

Whoa.

Did you just make that up?

Yes, I did.

Now look...

I also need help finding this girl named Rita,

like, immediately...

- and Frito will give you a hand with it.

- Why?

Well, because, uh, you know,

she'd be an essential... integral... asset...

you know, for our team,

for us to, you know, utilize.

[ All Laughing ]

Utilize her!

Utilize her!

[ Secretary of State]

Utilizel

- [ Laughing ]

- Hey, uh, but you're gonna bring her here, right?

Oh, yeah.

Butt first!

[ All Laughing ]

- [ Secretary of Defense] Utilize herl

- Okay.

Dang! May I approach

your benches?

Uh, yeah.

This sucks pretty bad.

Frito, why don't you come over here and,

uh, take a look at this?

Come on. Hustle over here, buddy.

I wanna figure this out.

See, uh, just not a lot of moisture.

Have you got the map?

- Oh, yeah.

- Discreetly.

- It's right there.

- I see it. I see it.

Stand up with me.

Yo, Mr. Secretary Not Sure.

They found that whore you wanted.

Hey, that may be how you refer

to women in the future, but come on.

No, sir. Turns out she charged some guy

a lotta money and didn't put out.

Don't worry though.

We'll get her out...

on a work-release whorin' license

as long as you're doin' her.

Get your hands off me. What do you think

I'm gonna do, run through the field?

What the f***

are you all starin' at?

- Joe?

- That's Not Sure, ma'am.

- Secretary Not Sure.

- Secretary? Secretary of what?

Say, would you guys mind if we had

a little moment together? Alone?

You know,

in the bushes?

Oh, man.

[ All Laughing ]

- F*** her, Joe!

- Hey, you want us to come along,

make sure she puts out?

No, thanks.

I can handle it. Yeah.

I thought you was in jail.

How'd you get to be the secretary of interior?

Just keep walking.

I'll explain everything.

Okay.

Get ready to run.

- What?

- Oh, goddamn it.

Way to go, Frito. You know what?

Just make a run for it anyways.

We'll ask for directions

on the way.

No way. I spent the last two days

looking for it. It ain't easy to find.

Damn it. I can't go back to jail,

and I sure can't solve these problems.

All's I know is I better find Upgrayedd

before he finds me.

Listen to me. Upgrayedd

cannot find you, okay? It's impossible!

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah! And even if Upgrayedd...

could somehow magically

travel through time...

we got secret service guys with huge guns

protecting us, okay?

So don't worry.

You're safe.

And you know what? It's none of my business,

but when we get back...

you and Upgrayedd should seriously think

about couples counseling, okay?

And you should also think about maybe finding

an art manager who's not also your boyfriend.

Heyl

She's not puttin'out?

Uh, no, she is.

We, uh-We already did it.

Yeah. He was great.

Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys

were wonderin', uh...

if we'd go family-style

on her.

Uh, yeah,

probably not right now.

We should focus on the crops.

So let's get back to work. Maybe later.

What the hell is this?

- Tastes like Gatorade.

- [ Rita ] Is that that Brawndo stuff? .

[Joe] They're watering crops

with a sports drink?

[ Narrator] Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator

had come to replace water...

virtually everywhere.

Water, the basic component

of all life...

had been deemed a threat

to Brawndo's profit margin.

The solution came during

the budget crisis of 2330...

when the Brawndo Corporation

simply bought the F.D. A... .

And the F.C. C... .

Enabling them to say,

do and sell...

anything they wanted.

Joe didn't know

any of this...

but he did see a problem

that he might actually be able to solve.

- [ Indistinct ]

- With his options running out,

Joe took a bold step.

He would not

get out of the way.

This time, he would lead.

For the last time,

I'm pretty sure...

what's killing the crops

is this Brawndo stuff.

But Brawndo's got what plants crave.

It's got electrolytes.

So wait a minute.

What you're saying...

is that you want us

to put water on the crops.

- Yes.

- Water. Like out the toilet?

Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be

out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea.

- But Brawndo's got what plants crave.

- It's got electrolytes.

Okay, look.

The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure

that the Brawndo's not working.

Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know

that if you put water on plants, they grow.

Well, I've never seen no plants

grow out of no toilet.

Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't

the smartest guy in the world?

- [ Chuckling ]

- You wanna solve this problem.

I wanna get my pardon.

So why don't we just try it, okay,

and not worry about what plants crave?

Brawndo's got

what plants crave.

- Goddamn it.

- Yeah, it's got electrolytes.

What are electrolytes?

Do you even know?

It's what they use

to make Brawndo.

Yeah, but why do they

use them to make Brawndo?

'Cause Brawndo's

got electrolytes.

[ Narrator] After several hours,

Joe finally gave up on logic and reason...

and simply told the cabinet

that he could talk to plants...

and that they wanted water.

He made believers

out of everyone.

Joe didn't know it,

but the beloved electrolytes...

were salts that had been

building up in the topsoil over the decades...

killing plants

and leading to the dust bowl.

As secretary of the interior,

Joe ordered all crops to be switched to water...

promising that, over time, plants would grow

and the dust bowl would end.

He was on the fast track

to a full presidential pardon.

- Or so it seemed.

- [ All Shouting ]

Man, I hope somethin'

grows fast.

Yeah. So we can haul

our ass back home.

Man. You really think those people

would have starved to death?

I don't know. I mean, how did the world

ever get like this?

You know things are bad

when they're comin' to me for answers.

- It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone.

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm not used to it.

- Yeah. Me neither.

You think Einstein walked around thinkin'

everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?

Yeah.

Hadn't thought of that.

- Now you know why he built that bomb.

- Yeah.

Hey, Joe, listen.

Those cops-

- Oh, hey. I'm sorry about that.

- No. No.

They said that

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