Idiocracy Page #7

you got me a pardon.

You know, if you hadn't done that,

I'd still be in jail right now, so...

I guess I owe you one.

You know, you don't have to sleep

on the floor if you don't want to.

Oh. No. I'm-

I'm all right. Yeah.

Besides, you know, I don't think Upgrayedd

would be too happy about that.

You in bed with a stranger.

- [ Snickers ]

- Yeah.

[ Laughing ]

I know. I know.

[ Laughing Continues ]

[Joe]

Yeah. Oh, boy.

Oh, sh*t.

It's Upgrayedd.

[Joe]

Oh, sh*t. It's not Upgrayedd.

[ Narrator] Given enough time,

Joe's plan might have worked.

But when the Brawndo stock

suddenly dropped to zero...

leaving half the population

unemployed...

dumb, angry mobs took to the streets,

rioting and looting...

and screaming

forJoe's head.

An emergency cabinet meeting

was called...

with the C.E.O.

Of the Brawndo Corporation.

How come nobody's buying

Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator?

Aw, sh*t. Half the country

works for Brawndo.

Not anymorel

The stock has dropped to zero...

and the computer did

that auto-layoff thing to everybody.

- We're all unemployed!

- You think that makes the "ecomony" suck?

- Why is this happening?

- I think it's because we switched to water, but-

- You mean this is all your fault?

- What?

Yeah, this is your fault. This sh*t started

happening when we switched to water!

Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you

by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.

[ Announcer]

Fox News.

He tried taking water

from toilets...

but it's Secretary Not Sure

who finds himself in the toilet now.

And as history

pulls down its pants...

and prepares to lower its ass

on Not Sure's head...

it will be DaddyJustice

who will be crapping on him this time.

We now go live to Violence Channel

correspondent Formica Davis...

at the Extreme Court

with highlights on today's trial.

Thank you, Velveeta.

Well, it started off boring and slow...

with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone

with a bunch of smart talk.

[ With Effeminate Voice]

Blah, blah, blah. You gotta believe mel

[ Normal Voice]

That part of the trial sucked.

But then, the chief"J"

just went off.

He said, "Man, whatever.

The guy's guilty as sh*t.

We all know that. "

And he sentenced his ass

to one night of Rehabilitation.

Hey, rehabilitation?

One night?

Doesn't sound so bad.

Not so bad, huh?

Here's some highlights

from last week's Rehabilitation.

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Engine Revving ]

[ Formica ]

And who could forget that wonderful finish...

by Rehab Officer Tylenol Jones?

[ Chuckling ]

And tomorrow night looks even more better.

Word is that Beef Supreme himself

might come out of retirement.

Wow. Thank you, Formica.

So you think you can escape again

like you did last time?

- No. They pretty much fixed that.

- How?

They chained me

to a big rock.

- [ Rita ] Oh.

- Yeah.

Look, Rita, get Frito.

Get him to take you back to the time machine

without me. Don't wait.

No. You could have split on me before,

but you didn't.

Look, you wanna pay me back?

Just go back, okay?

Tell people to read books.

Tell people to stay in school,

you know.

Tell people to just

use their brains or something.

I think maybe the world got like this

because of people like me.

I never did anything with my life.

At least you were an artist, you know?

- So just go back and-

- [ Guard ] Visit's overl

And Rita, whatever you do,

keep painting, okay?

Good luck, Joe.

[ Groans ]

[ Announcer]

Okay, that's five down and one more to go.

Are you ready for a monster-truck duel

to the death?

Yeahl Let's give it up

for the Guitar Army.

[ Rock ]

[ Announcer]

Okay, we're gonna do this sh*t.

But first, to lead us

in our Natural Anthem...

the star of Ow! My Balls!

Hormel Chavezl

Thank you. Thank you.

- [ Man ] Heyl Come herel

- [ Singing Patriotic Song ]

- Come here!

- [ Continues ]

- [ Groans ]

- [ Announcer] Right in the ballsl

- [ All Laughing ]

- That's just how that sh*t went on TV!

[ Announcer] This execution is brought to you

by Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator.

- After you've killed someone...

- [ Knocking ]

- your body needs electrolytes.

- Yeah.

So, my car's out front...

whenever you want me

to take you...

to the time machine.

Thanks, Frito.

- Yeah.

- [ Announcer] I can't hear youl

That's a real bummer

aboutJoe, huh?

- [ Announcer] I can't hear youl

- Yeah.

Ohl Can you turn this up?

I love Rehabilitation.

[ Announcer] Okay. Let's meet

our rehabilitation officers for tonight.

With a combined record

of 62 kills...

please welcome Vinny Mawumba

in the Dildozerl

And his brother Bobby Mawumba

in the Ass Blasterl

I get a truck too, right?

Yeah.

Here it comes.

[ Engine Sputtering ]

[ Guards Chuckling ]

Get in.

You still got

the chain attached.

- [ Guard ] Door won't shut.

- What about the chain?

- We could break it.

- No. He could escape.

- I got an idea. Let's put it in the trunk.

- Yeah. That'll work.

- [ Guard ] Who's smart now?

- [ Announcer] Let's bring out our criminal.

He tried to ruin the country

by pouring toilet water on crops.

He cost millions of people

their jobs.

Let's get ready

to rehabilitate Not Surel

[ All Laughing ]

Never would have guessed

this is how I was gonna die.

[ Announcer]

Are you ready for some car-on-car action?

Yes.

- I can't watch this.

- This is-

This is gonna be so sad.

I hope I don't cry.

Holy sh*t!

Frito, come here! Look!

He was right.

The water- it worked.

Frito, can you

get me over there?

Yes.

No, you f***in' moron.

To the Rehabilitation place.

- Uh, this way.

- Yeah!

Come on, Frito.

Hurry!

[ Announcer] And now the dude that

everybody came here to see...

- Yeah!

- the only undefeated officer ever in history...

coming out of retirement

just to pound Not Sure's ass...

driving the biggest, hugest correctional

vehicle ever built in history-

bigger than the Dildozer,

bigger than the Ass Blaster...

bigger and huger than everything

ever before in history-

the brand-new Assdozerl

- Give it up for Beef Supremel

- [ Rock ]

Oh!

Oh!

[ Announcer]

Oh, sh*t. I think it was too big, huh?

We seem to be

"experimenting"...

some "techmological"

differences...

so, uh, sh*t.

Frito, look!

- It's working everywhere!

- Huh.

[ Announcer]

Well, sh*t. That's a big pile of rocks.

- Kinda reminds me of this one time that I was-

- Man.

- Hey!

- Oh, oh, okay.

- Get this sh*t started!

- We're gonna start without Beef Supreme.

Let the rehabilitation beginl

- [ Engine Stalls ]

- Oh, sh*t.

- Come on. Come on.

- [ Engine Cranking ]

[ Rita ]

Come on, Frito. Hurryl

- Oh!

- [ Engine Starts ]

Goddamn it.

- Yeah!

- Jesus, that was close.

Mr. President! Mr. President,

I need to talk to you.

You gotta stop this thing.

He was right about the water.

We passed some crops

on the way here. They're growing.

I didn't see no crops.

[ Announcer]

They're circling around.

They're gonna do

the Malachi Crunch on himl

- This is an illegal move, okay? So don't tell nobody.

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