If I Had a Million Page #5

- Mr Gallagher?

- Yeah, I'm Gallagher.

- 45,000.

- 45,000? I got that.

Mr Gallagher, my name is John Glidden.

I have something here for you.

- What is it?

- A million dollars.

A million bucks, huh?

Scram, Pappy.

This is a guardhouse, not a nuthouse.

- Come on. Eight.

- I can well understand your surprise.

But it's my own personal cheque

for a million dollars.

Listen, you're interrupting

an important crap game.

- Go on, beat it.

- You have a right to know...

Go away, you're bothering us. You better

go and get Henry Ford and we'll have tea.

How can he?

He's Henry Ford.

Well, of all the impertinence

I ever heard in my life!

- Outside, old-timer.

- Wait just a minute! I want to explain.

This is a fine state of affairs!

A fella can't enjoy a quiet crap game.

If anybody else calls for me today,

I'm out.

The man's a lunatic!

I suppose you dopes thought

I was dumb enough to fall for that gag?

- You are.

- Mm-hm.

If you'd picked a guy who looked like

a millionaire, I still wouldn't have believed it.

In second place, a smart guy

don't play April fools jokes on April 1.

He waits until July

when nobody's expecting it.

- We're all crazy.

- Coming out for the million.

- I'll take 500,000.

- I got the rest of that. Go on, you play it.

Shoot.

- Oh!

- Eight.

- I've got an order for your release, jailbirds.

- Where do you get that "jailbirds"?

Out my way, boy.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Where was you guys brought up?

You can't leave this place

messed up like this.

- Get that play money outta here.

- Don't you want two million?

I could write a billion

of this kind of dough.

Come on.

Take it, take it.

Well, keep in touch with us.

Fresh air smells terrible, don't it?

What are you gonna do?

Dash off a letter to my mother

and thank her for that chocolate cake you ate.

What? Me? I think I'll get a little sleep.

How about you, Mulligan?

I just happened to remember,

I put in for some blues. I'll get them.

- I'll be seeing you.

- Right.

- Right.

- Right.

How about the carnival for tonight

for just you and me, huh?

- You got any dough?

- Well, uh...

No dough, no carnival.

So this is the way you write letters to

your old mother? You ought to be ashamed.

- You look hot in those new blues.

- I won't answer that.

Honey,

what's he trying to get you to do?

- You want to take me to the carnival?

- Yeah, that's a date.

You got any dough?

- Well, a fella down the line...

- Ah. No dough, no carnival.

Oh. I thought you birds

was writing and dressing.

I see you're walking in your sleep again.

You two shouldn't try to double-cross

each other. It always shows in your eyes.

- You got dough to take me to the carnival?

- I can raise it.

No dough, no carnival.

I guess I'll go with the sergeant.

Zeb, we've come to the conclusion

that maybe you could advance us a couple...

How about some dough

from you fellas?

We were gonna ask you

to lend us a couple of dollars on account.

On account of what?

On account of Marie

wants to go to the carnival.

How much do we owe?

Well...

It reckons up to four dollars and 50 cents.

That's for the three of you.

- How do you know? You can't read.

- But I make marks nobody else can read.

- We gotta pay cash for our hamburgers?

- Yep.

Listen, I'd gladly pay you Tuesday

for a hamburger today.

No money, no hamburger.

Wait a minute. You got us all wrong, Zeb.

We're the kind of guys that pay our bills.

And I'm the kind that has dough

when he takes a girl to the carnival.

- Cheque? How much for?

- Why, uh... ten bucks.

- Sure, ten bucks.

- Ten bucks even.

Marie?

It's all right, Zeb.

It's for ten bucks.

- Is it good?

- It's as good as Confederate money.

OK.

The carnival, honey.

You and me,

we'll blow the rest of this cheque.

Now you're talking like the sergeant.

OK.

- So we're all going to the carnival?

- No, we're not "all". Marie and me.

- Wait. Whose gal do you think she is?

- Mine. Marie and me is going alone.

- It's half our dough. We helped you.

- You and me is going to the carnival!

Hey!

What are you yelling for?

- It's a great life, ain't it?

- Uh-huh.

- Good morning.

- How do you do?

- Where from did you guys come from?

- My goodness, what awful grammar.

- Will you guys scram?

- Wonderful night, Mulligan.

Yes, it is.

Yes, indeedy. Yes, indeedy.

How about a little baseball, buddy?

Four balls for a dime.

I wanna play baseball!

- Baseball's right down my alley.

- Mine, too.

You can throw all the balls you want.

Step right up, folks,

and see the little lady win a prize.

Look, honey, like this.

Ah, you missed!

Yeah!

"Yeah, honey, like this."

- The pride of the Marine Corps.

- Smack my face.

Oh, look at 'em!

They missed every one of them!

Say, who's paying for these?

Mr Gallagher, the gentlemen on the end,

is the moneyed man.

Get this straight,

I'm paying for the lady and myself.

I never saw these two mugs before

in my life.

- There's a pal for you.

- Have you got any money?

No, sir. I gave my last $50

to the blind man at the corner.

- Let's see some cash.

- You show us some.

Smart guy, eh?

Hey, Mike. Joe.

You guys were figuring

to gyp me out of some dough?

No, we wasn't.

We just ain't got no money, that's all.

But you threw some balls,

didn't you?

Yeah, but we didn't hit anything.

You marines are so tough, ain't you?

I don't like men to paw me.

A kiss for Cinderella.

Hey! Hey!

A fight! Take 'em boys!

Here, honey.

Go buy yourself a soda. I'll be back.

Don't you get ashamed of yourself,

always getting me and O'Brien in trouble?

Yeah, always socking somebody.

You're a worse influence on me than women.

I wouldn't be surprised

if we got the electric chair.

Yeah, I guess I'm just a bad guy.

But then,

maybe it ain't all my fault.

Maybe you got something to do with

me getting in trouble.

- There's a pal for you.

- Stabbing us in the back.

Look!

Look at what I'm looking at.

Come here.

Gee, I wonder where

Zeb got all the cash?

Boy, him and Marie

look like they found a million bucks.

A million bucks?

Say, I wonder if that cheque

was any good?

I think I'll go lie down.

That's Eddie.

You know, he's my oldest.

He earns 6,000 a year.

Only last week, the superintendent

sent for him and said he may be promoted.

I never had

but just the one child, you know.

It would've been different

if there'd been four or five.

Then I could've visited around,

a little while here and a little while there.

That's when me and my husband

played The Face on the Barroom Floor

in Schenectady.

There, there, dear.

Don't take it so hard.

- All of us has got to die sometime.

- Oh, it ain't that.

It's just that there ain't no more people

that I know left to die.

You see, Jim, we can move into

that house at Gainsborough.

You know? The one we talked about,

with the shutters and the cistern.

- Good morning, ladies.

- Good morning, Mrs Garvey.

And how is our little family circle today?

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